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Faults and Follies 



As Mirrored 
In a Series of Lectures 

By 

G. W. Hughes 



O luad some Poiv^r the giftie gie us 
To see oursels as ithers see us.** 



PuUithed ly the Author 

Clinton, 111. 
1908 



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LIBRARY ot 0<:«NdRES$J 

IvrO COOieS KectM.ci! 

SEP .30 )^Ub I 



COPTKIGHT, 1908 

BY 
G. W. HUGHES 



LECTURE SUBJECTS 



PAGE 

Boys 130 

Blindness 280 

Clubs 38 

Cowards 100 

Character 211 

Courtship 170 

Curtain Lectures 2C4 

Dates 108 

Dudes 158 

Devils 194 

Divorce 181 

Domestic Trouble 231 

Economy 92 

Extremes 296 

Estimation 112 

Extravagance ; . 287 

Fun 190 

Fools 18 

Fitness 252 

Flattery 293 

Fault Finding 124 

Girls 134 

Going 104 

Growling 88 

Grave Digging , 154 

Hogs 150 

Home 84 

Hurry 301 

Husbands 257 

Hypocrites 69 

Husband Choosing 120 

Ice 162 

Idleness 290 

Jealousy 247 

5 



6 Lecture Subjects 

PAGE 

Kickers 22 

Kissing 235 

Love 166 

Liars 13 

Leaders 77 

Man 96 

Money 146 

Marriage 175 

Noise 26 

Nice People 142 

Novel Reading , 268 

Old Maids 61 

Opportunity 33 

Old Bachelors 239 

Poverty 284 

Preachers 9 

Poor Boys 207 

Popularity 243 

Patriotism 138 

Poodle Dogs 50 

Rich Boys 203 

Resolutions 276 

Snow 65 

Style 198 

Spells 73 

Society 81 

Singing 57 

Success 215 

Suckers 223 

Surprises 29 

Smartness 186 

Sweethearts 42 

Swearing Off 219 

Talk 53 

Truth 46 

Wives 260 

Which 127 

Widows 272 

Worrying 227 

Wife Choosing 115 



PREFACE 

The reform most needed is that of the people. 
The world grows better as the people become 
better. As the character of the members of the 
family makes the home what it is, so the char- 
acter of the people makes the world what it is. 
There can be no progress in reform of the peo- 
ple until they realize their need of it. This 
realization can best be brought about by caus- 
ing them to see their faults, if possible, as 
others see them. That they may do so, it is 
necessary that there be a reflection of their un- 
wise acts as in a mirror. The reflection may 
be shown in different ways, but in no way 
more effectively than by picturing in words the 
acts of those who do things that are unwise 
and often foolish. 

While these Lectures were not written with 
a view of putting them in book, or that they 
would in any way promote reform in those 
who need reform, yet it is hoped they may 
prove as mirrors in which hundreds may see 
their faults and resolve to correct them. By 
such a resolve they would prove their desire 
to make themselves better men and women, a 
desire that reaches from earth to Heaven, and 
is the basis of a more perfect life. 

THE AUTHOR. 



LECTURE ON PREACHERS 

There are two classes of preachers — those 
who can preach and those who can't preach. 
There are more of the latter than of the former. 
Good preachers are as scarce as real statesmen. 
Many seem to have become ministers because 
they thought ability was not essential in ex- 
pounding the gospel. Some of them have failed 
to make a success in other fields and took to 
preaching rather than do something they were 
built to do. Many men make a failure in the 
pulpit who might be successful farmers or mer- 
chants. Because a man thinks he hears a "call" 
is no evidence the Lord wants him to give up 
a good job of wood chopping to preach. Nature 
intended that everyone should do what he is 
fitted for; but thousands of people die every 
year ignorant of what position in life they 
might fill creditably. People always have a 
desire to try to do something they are not 
doing. If they are preachers they want to 
lecture, dabble in politics or do something 
equally as foolish. Many 8x10 preachers have 
quit work in the vineyard of the Lord to be- 
9 



10 Lecture on Preachers 

come 2x4 politicians. They get so crazy to 
help save the country that they give up sav- 
ing souls to satisfy a blind desire to go to con- 
gress. Often in their efforts to go to Washing- 
ton they go to the devil, and almost as often 
stay there. A preacher that can preach and 
likes to preach is a fool to run his nose into 
politics. In doing so he exhibits a weakness 
that is not overlooked. A preacher who has a 
heart for preaching cannot make a successful 
politician, because he is not capable of doing 
things a politician must, or always does, do. 
Yet many fairly good preachers are never satis- 
fied until they take a whirl in the political 
arena. Often a one-horse preacher imagines 
he could be a two-horse politician. He never 
knows any better until he goes through the 
machine. He comes out ''frazzled" at both 
ends, sore in the middle and sneaks away like 
a whipped rooster in a strange barn-yard. He 
is ashamed to go back and ask God to forgive 
him, and the Lord's pity for a fool is not strong 
enough to "call" him again. The man who 
resigns his position with God to accept one 
under a political boss will never get his old 
job back at an increased salary. God wants 
his soldiers to be men ; not boys running after 
every butterfly or red apple they see. 

Speaking of preachers being "called" brings 
to mind the words of the farmer who said he 
thought "most of the preachers run away and 



Lecture on Preachers 11 

come." At least some of them must have had 
very acute hearing. If a preacher thinks he 
would not be a preacher if he had not been 
called, it is time to get the size of his hat. If 
preachers were really called to preach, many of 
them would still be sawing wood. Of all the 
tiresome things none are more so than a 
preacher who can't preach and never finds it 
out. He pounds away like a lawyer with a 
bad case, and then wonders why so many of his 
audience rest their chins on their breasts. All 
preachers can't be the best, but no one ought 
to be a minister unless he can keep at least half 
the audience awake. 

But, after all, most preachers have troubles 
of their own, and deserve the sympathy of 
their friends. Except the editor of a country 
newspaper, the preacher is "cussed" and dis- 
cussed more than any other mortal. He may 
do the best he can and the best he knows how, 
yet some of the "sisters" or "brethren" are not 
pleased, and they at once begin to plan for rais- 
ing hades in the church. Things begin to boil, 
get hot and sometimes very hot, even before 
the preacher knows a blaze has been started. 
He is innocent of doing anything that anyone 
of good sense would get mad at ; in fact, he has 
not, but people usually show less sense in 
church matters than in anything else, even in 
politics. The preacher is expected to do things 
to suit each member of his flock. If he speaks 



12 Lecture on Preachers 

to "Sister Jones" he must speak to all the other 
sisters. If he tells "Brother Smith" "the 
weather is a little cool for the time of the 
year," all the other brethren must be told that 
or something else. If he leaves the pulpit from 
one side someone thinks he ought to have left 
it from the other side. If he says anything 
about saloons he is told to "go slow on that 
question." If he says nothing about saloons, 
he is accused of being afraid to preach the 
Bible. Often those who wouldn't climb a 
hedge fence to get around a bottle of liquor will 
yawp the longest and loudest if the preacher 
finishes a sermon without preaching the saloon 
keeper into perdition. If a preacher does not 
embrace everyone he meets, he is accused of 
being too cold and distant. If he is very 
sociable and jokes a little, he is accused of 
being too worldly. Some people expect a 
preacher to do all the being sociable while they 
stand as stiff and solemn as a May-pole, ex- 
pecting the preacher to dance around them at 
the end of a string they thing they have to 
him. They expect the preacher to do all the 
being friendly, and they'll try to cause trouble 
in the church if he is not. It never occurs to 
them that a preacher has work and cares of his 
own, and cannot always wear a smile, and run 
half a block to speak to each member of his 
flock. If taking on Christ would chase out the 
devil, fewer church members would be so 



Lecture on Liars 13 

hard to please, religion would be more popular 
and fewer preachers would quit preaching to 
take up politics. They tire of a continued 
struggle to keep peace among the followers of 
God, and turn their attention to something 
where there are periods of quiet and brotherly 
love is not supposed to be, but is, found. 



LECTURE ON LIARS 

The world is full of liars. They are as numer- 
ous as "the stars in the sky, the leaves on the 
trees or the sands on the seashore." They have 
never been counted, because no one wants to 
commence a job he cannot complete before 
he dies. Liars are found here and there, and 
everywhere else. They are in the huts and in 
the mansions; in society and out of society; 
along the byways and in the highways; in 
church and out of church. They are always 
easy to find and hard to lose. It is as easy to 
chase up a liar as a rabbit, and he will get from 
one lie into another quicker than the rabbit 
will get through a rail fence. 

Some lie for fun, some lie for business and 
some lie because they can't help it. Some lie 
for nothing when they could get a salary for 
telling the truth. There are more people en- 
gaged in lying than in making an honest liv- 



14 Lecture on Liars 

ing. There are so many liars that there is 
often jealousy as to who shall wear the belt. 
If all the liars would join hands there would be 
enough of them to reach twice around the 
world, and be enough left to run the politics of 
the country through the hottest campaign 
known in history. Political liars are the 
smoothest and hardest liars to be found. 
Though they lie hard it is easy for them. They 
lie because it is a part of the game. A poli- 
tician that don't lie ought not be allowed to 
run at large. He might go crazy (if he is not 
already so) and have to be penned up until 
he knows his business. Often the biggest liars 
are most successful in their efiforts to "save the 
country." They do the least work and get the 
fattest office. Thousands of men who hold of- 
fice wouldn't get in sight of a salary if their 
position depended upon their ability to tell the 
truth. There may be a politician who never 
lies, but he has never been located. The 
women who want to dabble in politics ought 
to have their lying ability tested. A truth- 
ful woman in politics would be as much out of 
place as a woman at a lecture for "men only." 
All would be looking at her, and she would 
wish she could see herself as others see her. If 
she did she would sneak oflf and hide behind 
a tree. 

Ananias was a great liar; but if he lived nov/ 
he would have so much strong competition 



Lecture en Liars 15 

that he would quit the business and go to 
preaching. Ananias ''fell down and gave up 
the ghost" when caught in a lie, and Sapphira, 
his wife, "yielded up the ghost," also, under 
similar circumstances. If all liars of this day 
would "give up the ghost" when caught in a 
lie, there would not be enough people left to 
bury the dead. But Ananias and Sapphira 
were not experts. If they had been up to the 
standard of modern liars, they would have lied 
too fast and too often to be so easily caught in 
a lie. 

A Chicago professor said : "A lie is not a lie 
if actuated by a good motive." If he is right, 
who is to judge. Everyone will claim his 
motive is good, and who knows the motive bet- 
ter than the one who guides it? If he had said 
a forced lie is not a lie, he could have called up 
the life of Galileo in proof. He was compelled 
to say the earth did not revolve around the 
sun when he knew it did. The man who lies 
to save his life is excusable, though his life 
may be worth little to himself, his friends or 
the world. If some men never died until they 
told the truth they would live forever. 

The silent liar is more dangerous than a 
noisy liar. He is like a thief in the night; a 
skunk in a chicken coop, or a wolf in a sheep 
pasture. He steals ; he stinks ; he carries away. 
The silent liar lies in weight, in measurement, 
or in some other manner when his supposed 



16 Lecture on Liars 

honesty is trusted. He gives less than 16 
ounces for a pound, fewer than 36 inches for 
a yard, or a scant 4 pecks for a bushel. By 
his act he says : "You have got what you 
asked for," when his conscience (if he has any) 
tells him he is a thief and a liar, two of the 
most dangerous qualities that combine to make 
man a devil. Satan rejoices when he sees a 
man weigh short or cut scant. He knows he 
is certain of another angel for his kingdom and 
enrolls his name on his list of future resi- 
dents. But when he takes up his abode in 
the place where winter never comes and ice is 
not manufactured or shipped in, he will not be 
permitted to engage in his old line of business. 
He will have to saw wood, build fires or serve 
his master in some other way that will not 
offer inducements to those who would be silent 
liars. The man who goes to Hell because he 
stole from those who trusted to his honesty 
will have a hard time of it, and will always 
wish he had been honest. Even the Devil hates 
a liar. 

The liar is a peace disturber, a home wrecker, 
a promoter of satan^s cause. Many a pure life 
has been ruined by one vile, cowardly lie. 
One lie has wrecked a home or darkened a 
good character. Liars would never make the 
progress they do in stirring up trouble if 
people were not so ready to believe a lie. Many 
are always ready to believe a lie or doubt the 



Lecture on Liars 17 

truth. An unreasonable lie often finds more 
friends than a reasonable truth. The readi- 
ness to believe lies tends to discourage those 
who are truthful. The reward that should go 
to one who speaks the truth too often is re- 
ceived by the one who does not. The people 
can make liars fewer by putting more con- 
fidence in those who have a reputation for tell- 
ing the truth. Falsehood is too often rewarded 
while Truth is compelled to hunt for friends. 

Many learn to lie in childhood and never for- 
get how. Parents are often to blame for their 
children not being truthful. They not only lie 
in the presence of their children, but lie to 
them when it would be easier for them to tell 
the truth. Often parents whip their children 
for doing what they have taught them to do — 
lie. What can a mother expect of a child when 
she sends it to the door to tell an unwelcome 
caller she is not at home? If a father tells his 
son he will reward him if he will do a certain 
work in a specified time and then fails to do 
so, the boy is taught a strong lesson in 
lying. Children with lying parents seldom 
become truthful men and women. A child 
that is taught lying until it is grown will not 
easily forget the lessons learned. Teach a 
child what it should not know and it will al- 
ways know it to its sorrow. 



18 Lecture on Fools 



LECTURE ON FOOLS 

Fools are as numerous as people. All are 
fools, the only difference being as to what they 
are fools about and the extent of their foolish- 
ness, therefore it is impossible to talk or write 
about fools without danger of offending friends. 
Few have enough sense to know they are fools. 
The one who knows he is a fool is wise. April 
1, "All fools day," comes once a year and re- 
mains only a day, but fools stay all the year 
and don't leave when a new year comes. Fools 
are perennial. They grow everywhere and 
thrive in every climate. It never gets too hot 
or too cold for them. They do well on every 
kind of soil. Cultivation is not necessary to 
their existence. No crop is more easily raised 
than a crop of fools, and no crop is worth less 
after it is raised. That is, a crop of fools that 
don't know they are fools, such as dudes and 
their female counterparts. There are grades 
and crosses of fools same as there are of other 
animals. Too, there are thoroughbred fools, 
such as think they are wiser or more handsome 
than others. Then there are scrub fools, such 
as do things a hog would not do even if a 
bucket of swill were its reward. 

People are fools for different things. Each 
class of fools has its own peculiarities. It 



Lecture on Fools 19 

wouldn't do for all to be fools about the same 
thing, any more than it would do for all to 
engage in the same business. Among the fools 
are the fools for money, fools for honor, fools 
for love, fools for fun, fools for want of sense, 
religious fools, political fools, damphools, fools 
that run country newspapers and a million of 
other fools that think they could do the same 
thing. All of these besides the women who 
want to dabble in politics. 

There are so many fools because it is easier 
to be than not to be a fool. If it were not so, 
many people would never distinguish them- 
selves. They do something they think is smart 
and then strut around like a peacock on dress 
parade. When, in fact, they have made a "dis- 
play" that would have won a blue ribbon in 
any contest for a prize as the biggest fool. 

Fools are not as new as Fourth of July oats 
or peas. They differ from the former because 
they are never ripe enough to harvest, and 
resemble the latter because they look greener 
when the hull is off. Adam and Eve acted the 
fool first. They commenced to raise fools and 
the example they set has been hatching them 
out ever since. It is certain they never realized 
what an "endless chain" they started. No 
wonder the Bible has so much to say about 
fools. The wonder is it does not have more 
to say of them. And then Shakespeare, as if 
disgusted with the whole crowd, said: "What 



20 Lecture on Fools 

fools these mortals be." William must have 
been feeling like he had run a political news- 
paper awhile when he said that. It sounds 
like he was ready to upset the ink and go fish- 
ing. But even Shakespeare was a fool for all 
his wisdom. Though he had all his writings 
well done, they seem to still be Bacon. If 
Shakespeare had never said any more than, 
"What fools these mortals be" it was enough 
to immortalize him. He could well have taken 
Josh Billings' advice of "When you hit the 
bull's eye sit down." All of the writings of 
Shakespeare are grouped around "What fools 
these mortals be." No better judge of human 
nature ever lived than the Bard of Avon and 
that one sentence was the flash of wisdom that 
shone through all his writings. 

Even the great Lincoln had something to 
say about fools. He said : "You can fool part 
of the people all the time, all the people part 
of the time, but you can't fool all the people 
all the time." Of course Lincoln was honest 
in what he said, but he did not know all that 
P. T. Barnum had done. The poet Burns added 
his testimony when he said: "Human bodies 
are sic* fools for all their colleges and schools." 
Colleges and schools often make bigger fools 
of those who attend them. As Pope said : "A 
little learning is a dangerous thing," and they 
do not drink deep enough to remove the dan- 
ger. They take on a small jag of learning and 



Lecture on Fools 21 

think they have a load. But they can't deceive 
those who can tell a dun calf from a brindle 
dog. They can tell from the noise that they 
do not have a load on. The lighter the load 
on a wagon the more it rattles; it is the one 
with the least learning that makes the most 
noise. The difference between a conceited fool 
with a jag of learning on and a fool toper with 
a "jag" on is, that one can't walk straight and 
slobbers. Often a fool with a little learning at- 
tracts more attention than a philosopher. Peo- 
ple are so peculiar. An audience that would 
laugh at the jokes of an end man till they had 
cramps, would soon discover there were no 
cushions on the seats if they were listening to 
the wisest statesmen. 

Fools will die a natural death if left alone. 
But it is strange how so many people escape 
the "fool killer" so long. If he would do his 
duty, funerals would be more numerous. 

The most to be pitied fool is the one who 
takes on a little education and gets the swell- 
head so bad that he thinks there should be but 
one college in the world and he its president. 
He is an example of what is meant by the Bible 
sentence : "He is wise in his own conceit." He 
deserves the pity of all other fools. Fools, 
like corks, always come to the surface; and 
the bigger the fool the more he bobbles along 
on the waves of society. A wise man will 
often be lost to view when a fool is continually 



22 Lecture on Kickers 

in sight. He thinks he was created to be seen 
or heard and that the world will be disap- 
pointed if he should neglect to exhibit him- 
self daily. Doors open all the time. Admis- 
sion free. 



LECTURE ON KICKERS 

A kicker is one who is so wise that he knows 
more about everything than everybody else. 
He is great in his own estimation. The only 
reason he does not make a world better than 
the one he is in is because he don't have a 
place to put it. He even finds fault with God's 
work, and can easily explain where there could 
be improvements on His world. He can't un- 
derstand how it was possible for God to get 
along without his advice, and kicks because 
He did. The bigger fool a man is the more he 
kicks. The one who kicks most usually has 
least cause for kicking. 

The mule may be the original kicker, but 
it is not the worst one. Some people can 
beat a mule kicking so bad that it feels like 
going out of the business. A mule kicks be- 
cause it knows no better; people kick because 
they are so much like a mule. One difference 
between a mule and a human kicker is that the 
former kicks with his heels and the latter kicks 



Lecture on Kickers 23 

with his mouth. Another difference is that the 
mule always kicks at something and the human 
kicker often kicks at nothing. When a man 
gets in the habit of kicking he ought to be 
turned out to grass with the other animals. A 
professional kicker is as tiresome as a dude and 
worth about as much to the world. The dude 
has not enough backbone to be a kicker and the 
kicker too much backbone and not enough 
good sense. Backbone is a good thing if there 
is not an empty "cocoanut" attached to the top 
end of it. Some people would never be noticed 
if they didn't kick. Nothing suits them and 
nothing is the only thing they suit. They get 
up kicking; kick all day and go to bed kick- 
ing. They do not take a rest until Morpheus 
gathers them in his arms, and often then "in 
the stilly night," their "night-mare" kicks the 
cover off them. 

The chronic kicker is to be pitied. He is a 
cross between a mule and a fool, and the cross 
has been rubbed out by the mule's friends. The 
less a man knows the more he kicks. Brains 
have not widened his scope of reasoning; 
thought has not been a child of his mind, be- 
cause thought needs soil in which to grow. 
The man who is always kicking does so be- 
cause he thinks it is an evidence of smartness, 
or because he cannot have everything go his 
way. Not a few think they are so much better 
and wiser than average humanity that they 



24 Lecture on Kickers 

are disappointed when all hats are not lifted as 
they pass. They know they are right on all 
questions, and kick if anyone dares to insinuate 
they might know as much as they do. Every 
community has from one to six who would not 
live an hour if they could not find something 
to kick about. The schools are not taught 
properly; official matters are not rightly con- 
ducted; the preachers do not use the right 
texts ; there is an organ in the church ; Deacon 
Jones is a little too foxy, or Sister Brown mar- 
ried sooner than she ought to after her hus- 
band's death. There is no lack of something 
to kick about if the mind is of an "objection- 
able" nature. The chronic kicker is lonesome 
when he is not playing mule. 

Some very wise men are always kicking 
about what is done at home. Their wives can- 
not do anything to suit them. No matter how 
particular the tired wives may be, they can- 
not please their liege lords, who imagine they 
know all things at all times. Women are often 
worried into their graves because their hus- 
bands are eternally kicking about things that 
they ought to have sense enough to keep still 
about. Instead of saying something to en- 
courage and cheer their wives, they find fault 
with what they do until they despair of ever 
doing anything to please their kicking hus- 
bands. Some men will find fault with the work 
of their wives, and then kick harder than a 



Lecture on Kickers 25 

Missouri mule if their wives dare find fault 
with their work. Husbands often exhibit less 
sense than a mule in regard to household af- 
fairs. They kick about things that they know 
no more about than the devil knows of Heaven. 
The man who is always kicking about his 
wife^s work ought to be tied in a stall with the 
other mules. 

Wives often are as big fools as the husbands. 
They are ever finding fault with the way busi- 
ness is managed. They neglect their own work 
to object to something their husbands do. They 
know more about out-door work than they do 
about making home look homelike, and make 
strong protest if they are not consulted as to 
how work should be done. They neglect their 
own business to meddle with business on the 
farm or in the store. They believe in woman's 
rights and kick if they don't enjoy them to 
the fullest limit. A fault-finding wife is a load 
about the neck of her husband. 



26 Lecture on Noise 



LECTURE ON NOISE 

All sound is noise, but all noise is not sound. 
Some sound is all *'wind." The two principal 
kinds of noise are useful and useless. Both are 
much in use and the latter often seems most in 
demand. 

The ways of making noise are numberless. 
The lion roars, the bear growls, the ox bellows, 
the horse neighs, the mule brays, the hog 
grunts, the sheep bleats, the turkey gobbles, 
the rooster crows, the hen cackles, the opera 
singer squeals and so does a pig. Nature has 
given to every animal its own peculiar noise 
box and Edison gave to man the phonograph. 
The world is full of noise, yet people hate to 
die, even when the nearest neighbor has a 
piano and a daughter that tries to sing. This 
combination has no equal for real noise. It is 
a menace to the peace, happiness and prosper- 
ity of a neighborhood. It makes enemies of 
friends ; drives away smiles, and decreases the 
cash value of property. It makes dogs howl a 
mournful howl that cause all in hearing to feel 
like they had lost a friend. When a girl feels 
that she is fit only for an ornament her parents 
squander a few hundred dollars in a vain effort 
to have her become a great singer. To com- 
plete the farce she marries a worthless man, 



Lecture on Ncise 27 

and takes in washing to buy him tobacco and 
whiskey. It is useless to try to make a Jenny 
Lind of a girl whose voice is better suited for 
calling cows than singing. There is an ocean 
of difference betwen singing and noise, but 
some people never realize it until their neigh- 
bors commence moving. 

Politics furnish a great field for noise. That 
is a time when noise is at a premium. The 
party that makes the most noise has the big- 
gest crowd. The political party that puts sense 
against noise always loses. 

The brass band is always needed because it 
makes more noise than most speakers. Politics 
without a brass band would be like hog-killing 
time and no squeal. Thousands of "intelligent 
American voters" will follow a brass band 
five miles through mud when they wouldn't 
listen to a good political speech ten minutes. 

Campaign time is the glory of fools. They 
shout themselves hoarse and carry a torch that 
leaks grease on their clothes, and think they 
have done their country good service. Some 
men will sit about the streets and on fences 
explaining how to save the country when their 
wives are at home washing for fifty cents a 
day. There are always voters who can tell 
all about "saving the country" when they 
wouldn't know a gold standard from the north 
pole or a protective tariff from a promise to 
pay. The man who makes the most noise about 



28 Lecture on Noise 

politics, knows least about what is best for his 
country. Wind is not wisdom. Many who 
have to wear long tailed coats to hide the evi- 
dences of what they do most, spend most time 
in talking politics. The campaign speaker who 
makes most noise, usually has the biggest 
crowd and gets the best pay. There are times 
when it pays to have more wind than sense, but 
it takes a wise man to know when that time 
is. 

Some church members want their religion 
judged by the noise they make. They are loud 
in their denunciation of evil, and are never 
through telling how they love their Savior. 
They sing their own praises in the highest 
key. Their religion is of the brass band kind 
— requires plenty of blowing to keep it going. 
It would never be known some people were 
Christians if they didn't proclaim it in a loud 
voice. The one who has genuine religion does 
not have to shout it from the house top to make 
it known. Noise is not an evidence of love of 
Christ. The depth of a man's religion cannot 
be estimated by the length and loudness of his 
prayer. The loudest prayer does not always 
reach nearest to Heaven. God knows the dif- 
ference between "hot air" and heart-felt re- 
ligion. 

Satan always keeps his eye on the man 
who says he knows he will go to Heaven. A 
windy religion is not the best kind to die by. 
There will be no cyclones in Heaven. 



Lecture on Surprises 29 

Many mistake noise for sense. They think 
because thunder and the roar of a cannon at- 
tract attention, they must be noisy to be seen. 
They talk much, laugh more, and then wonder 
why more quiet persons are most in demand 
in domestic and public positions. They have 
never heard that "a still tongue bespeaks a wise 
head." They have never learned that it is the 
lightning and not thunder that does things. 
They have never found out that an electric 
spark travels faster than the roar of a lion. 
They do not know that the chirp of a bird 
is more pleasing than the bray of a donkey. 

The lion roars, as he used to do; 

The sweetest kiss has no smack; 
More love is in the dove's gentle coo, 

Than in the duck's loudest quack. 



LECTURE ON SURPRISES 

The days are full of surprises, and even the 
nights are not free from them. They come 
in the lives of all, and some lives are so full of 
them that there is no room for more. Sur- 
prises begin with life and end only with death. 
Some children are always a surprise to their 
parents. Some are surprised that their child- 
ren are not good, and the neighbors are sur- 
prised that they are not worse. Children that 



30 Lecture on Surprises 

are let grow up like weeds, instead of being 
raised, are usually as they grow, and their 
parents will wonder why they are not good 
like their parents were when they were child- 
ren. Parents always know they were better 
than the children of today. It is a surprise to 
them that they were so good when there were 
so many opportunities to be bad. The parents 
of the present were the little angels of the 
past. They were good children for the same 
reason that George Washington couldn't tell 
a lie — it was impossible for them to be bad. 

The children of the present are not as good 
as the children of the past, but they are much 
smarter. Years ago it was almost impossible 
to find a child smarter than its parents; now 
it is almost impossible to find a child that is 
not smarter than its parents. It is a surprise to 
them that their parents know so little and them 
so much. And parents are often fools enough 
to encourage their children in this know-it- 
all feeling. If parents would always teach 
their children that it is impossible to learn it 
all so early in life, it would be better for parents 
and children. Boys and girls often get the "big 
head" so bad that their hats have to be made 
to order. 

When boys and girls become grown they 
always want to get married, and it is a sur- 
prise if their want is not realized. They would 
rather get married when young and foolish 



Lecture on Surprises 31 

than stay at home until they have sense enough 
to know what married life is. They get mar- 
ried and try to settle down ; but soon find that 
managing a home and making a living are so 
much different from chewing gum, trying to 
look pretty and playing a piano, or loafing on 
the streets while their fathers and mothers do 
the work that they are surprised that anyone 
would get married. The kid love soon grows 
cold and the kid husband and kid wife begin 
to long to go home to mamma and papa, and 
the neighbors are not surprised when they go. 

There is always much surprise coming from 
the work of Cupid. People are surprised that 
somebody married some other somebody, and 
they are surprised if they live together happily. 
Then there is surprise why someone does not 
marry some other someone. People often get 
more interested in the love affairs of others 
than they do attending to their own business. 
They know just who they ought to marry, and 
when they ought to marry, and are not back- 
ward in letting what they know be known. They 
spend more time trying to convince the young 
people they ought to marry than they do in 
saying their prayers. Women often spend so 
much time trying to make warmer the love 
blaze between two friends that they let the fire 
of love die out between themselves and their 
husbands. Those who volunteer to help Cupid 
attend to his business will need Cupid to help 



32 Lecture on Surprises 

them rekindle the blaze of love in their own 
homes. Cupid is never surprised to find much 
work to do in a home where a wife is more 
interested in assisting a friend get a husband 
than she is in retaining the love of her own hus- 
band. The surprise is that love's fire does not 
go out in more homes than it does when so 
many wives and husbands do so little to keep 
it burning. Surely Cupid must take pity 
on them, and throws on a few sticks of wood in 
passing, encouraging the dying embers to con- 
tinue their struggle to live. 

Many homes are gladdened and made joy- 
ous by surprises on birthday and wedding an- 
niversaries. Friends gather, bringing presents 
and good wishes. They make everybody seem 
so pleasant that life has a new meaning. The 
fire burns brighter; the pictures on the wall 
look more beautiful; the wife smiles sweeter; 
the husband speaks more gently, and every- 
thing gives forth a brighter and happier look. 
The friends who gave the surprises feel better 
because they have put more sunshine into a 
home. Such acts are smiled upon by the Great 
King; but it must make Him sore at heart to 
know most birthday and anniversary surprises 
are to those who are perhaps least in need of 
gifts and good cheer. Often a home where 
presents are needed might be made brighter 
and happier if it could be made the scene of a 
"surprise party." The bare walls might be 



Lecture on Opportunity 33 

decorated with pictures ; a few valuable books 
placed on the table, or a rocker placed on the 
floor in which the tired wife could often rock 
herself to sleep and forget that the sun of 
prosperity does not shine so brightly in her 
home as in others. Hearts of husband and wife 
that are drifting away from each other might 
be closer cemented in conjugal love by a visit 
from a number of friends on the wedding anni- 
versary and leaving gifts that would be theirs 
in common. It would remind them of their 
marriage vows, and convince them that their 
friends want to see them live married life as 
they begun it ; be true to themselves and their 
home; invite the sunshine of happiness to 
smile through the windows of their souls, and 
so live that they may encourage others to live 
as God intended they should — like men and 
women of sense, and not like crazy fools. 



LECTURE ON OPPORTUNITY 

Opportunity is often the key to the front 
door of success. Many have become famous 
because the chance came to them to show to 
the world their ability to grasp great questions 
or do great things. The oppressive course 
of England made it possible for George Wash- 
ington to save his country from the gluttonous 

3 



34 Lecture on Opportunity 

grasp of the mother country. Had England 
been wilHng to be reasonable Washington's 
greatness of mind and character might have 
never been knov^n. Andrew Jackson would 
never have fought the Battle of New Orleans 
and become president if there had been tele- 
graph lines. The lack of means to convey news 
placed him face to face with the opportunity 
to win a great battle before he could be told 
peace had been declared. The Rebellion made 
Lincoln, Grant, Sherman, Sheridan and many 
others great, because it presented the opportu- 
nity for them to put forth their ability. Had not 
the assassin's bullet sent McKinley to his 
tomb Roosevelt would have never been able 
to demonstrate that the United States could 
exist under his guidance. The opportunity to 
make a forty-minutes speech made Bryan a 
candidate for president. Without opportunity 
the power to make men great would wither and 
die. No matter how much physical or intel- 
lectual power one may possess without a 
chance to put it in force, there are no results 
that make the world applaud. Yet opportunity 
is nothing if the one to whom it comes is not 
prepared to make the most of it. Had Wash- 
ington been anybody except Washington, peo- 
ple of the United States might now be subjects 
of a king. 

Young men and young women should be 
prepared to profit by every opportunity to as- 



Lecture on Opportunity 35 

cend higher on the ladders of fame or fortune. 
They can do this only by being honest, in- 
dustrious and true. Laziness, lack of proper 
preparation, and indifference profit them noth- 
ing. 

While some profit by favorable opportunity, 
others are lost to success and honor in spite 
of it. Benedict Arnold had the opportunity, 
yet was despised and hated by the whole world 
because he chose to be a traitor rather than 
a patriot. Others like him have lost all for 
want of the right kind of sense at the right 
time. Not a day passes that someone does not 
throw away a good opportunity to go up in- 
stead of down a ladder. To thousands the 
best of opportunity to do and be something 
worth noticing, is as a pearl before swine. Not 
an hour passes that some young man or young 
woman does not go blundering down the path 
to ruin when the Goddess of Fortune beckons 
them to come up higher. Hundreds of bright 
minds have turned aside from opportunities that 
if made the best of would have placed them in 
positions of honor. Fortune does not beg men 
to profit by the opportunities it presents. If 
a deaf ear is turned to its knocks, it passes on 
to anothei door. The greatest of bards said: 
"There is a tide in the affairs of men which 
taken at the flood leads on to fortune." Thou- 
sands sleep or hesitate until the flood is past, 
and then curse the day they were born. They 



3G Lecture on Opportunity 

pass by the advice of another great poet to "Be 
up and doing with a heart for any fate." Op- 
portunities unimproved is aimless drifting on 
the Sea of Life. The aimless drifter floats over 
the dam and is lost, unless by chance, like the 
fool that braves the dangers of Niagara Falls, 
he is spared, floats to the shore and is exhibited 
as a curiosity. 

Opportunities to go downward are as numer- 
ous as are those to go upward, and are as often 
improved. Thousands never miss a chance to 
sink lower and continue Hellward with a reck- 
lessness that is startling. They never have 
their eyes opened to the enormity of being a 
healthy idiot until it is too late. Some improve 
every opportunity to become crazed with 
whiskey, disgracing themselves and their fami- 
lies. Some never let an opportunity pass to 
blacken the character of others; thousands 
choose the road to ruin when there are bright 
prospects along the other highway. 

While there was one George Washington 
there are thousands who would not be great if 
they could. Some would rather be a dude on 
fifty cents a day than president at fifty thou- 
sand dollars a year. The number of fools in- 
creases with the population. Of every hundred 
there are seventy-five who don't know oppor- 
tunity from nothing. Some would refuse a 
chance to earn two dollars a day and get drunk 
on whiskey paid for by others. Until a man 



Lecture on Opportunity 37 

knows opportunity from mud he Is a load on 
the Car of Progress, and is dropped off at the 
first station. 

If all would improve the opportunities that 
come to them there would be fewer in the poor 
house, tramps would be scarcer and none would 
have reason to curse their luck. The man 
who daily sits on a dry goods box and whittles 
has no reason to complain of ill luck. The 
man who is too drunk to board the Car of 
Progress when it passes his way, has no right 
to expect the sympathy of man or the love of 
God. The man who makes a whiskey funnel 
of his throat or a nicotine squirt gun of his 
mouth, has no room to complain of the un- 
equal division of property. God gives every 
man the opportunity to not spend foolishly his 
hard-earned dollars; if he does not make the 
best of the opportunity, he is that far a fool. 
The Devil never misses an opportunity to bene- 
fit himself, why should man? 



38 Lecture on Clubs 



LECTURE ON CLUBS 

There are clubs and clubs. They are used 
for different purposes. One kind is often used 
to assault or defend, and sometimes as "argu- 
ment." Sometimes a club is the only argument 
that will prove effective. Some people are so 
dumb that they never know anything until a 
club is used to awaken their minds to the fact 
that the "sun do move." Sometimes the fool 
is at the other end of the club. There are peo- 
ple that know no argument but a club. They 
have little reason and less sense. They think 
they are the only ones that are not dull and 
slow, and try to drive others before them as the 
wind drives the dust. The club is their only 
reasoner and persuader. 

Most policemen carry clubs. Some carry 
them to make them look brave and some carry 
them to use, and it is otten necessary that they 
use them. Some men who need a policeman's 
attention don't realize that they can be men 
until the officer's club stops on their heads. One 
good, vigorous tap with a policeman's club will 
often put more sense into a man's head in a 
minute than an hour of reasoning. A police- 
man's club is a necessity. Without it some 
men wouldn't have enough sense to last them 
over night. But the club often makes fools of 



Lecture on Clubs 39 

the policemen. It causes them to assume brav- 
ery that they do not have, and they make more 
display than young roosters with their first 
tail feathers. They make everybody tired and 
ought to be given a permanent vacation. 

There are political clubs where a lot of men 
meet, chew tobacco, spit, tell stories and tell 
how they are going to do the other fellows up. 
Pictures and flags hang on the walls and a few 
fellows hang on the club for what they can 
get out of it. Political clubs are necessary 
nuisances. They fill a place that nothing else 
would be seen in by day. Were it not for the 
political clubs the country would not be saved 
in the usual way. There would be no parades ; 
no torchlight processions ; no Indian yells ; no 
groans for the other side; no headquarters for 
those who have votes to sell. The man who 
sells his vote is a disgrace to a free country, 
and the Devil's expenses ought to be paid for 
coming after him. If Satan had all men who 
sell their votes, it would give thousands of 
women an opportunity to get husbands who 
had enough honor to not sell their conscience. 

Social clubs are the most numerous and per- 
haps the most useless. They are so numerous 
that it is often difficult to find a suitable name 
for a new club ; and after the name is found it 
is frequently as meaningless as the purposes of 
the club are beneficial. What is called "society" 
is sandwiched with clubs; and often the sand- 



40 Lecture on Clubs 

wich is as thin as the meat in the sandwiches 
found at railroad restaurants — so thin that it 
looks weak. Women get most satisfaction from 
clubs because they have more to say. Women's 
clubs are not "Quaker meetings." "There is 
no use talking" is never in the by-laws. The 
talking is never equally divided. Some talk 
most because they have most mouth. Too 
much mouth is an evidence of too little brains 
or too much wind, sometimes both. A still 
mouth denotes brains or bashfulness. The 
easiest way to tell which, is to sit down and 
wait till the silence is broken. 

Some towns are clubbed to death. There 
are as many clubs as there are tens among the 
women. If a woman is snubbed she at once 
sets about to organize a club so she can get 
even, and she seldom fails. A woman would 
rather return a snub than get a new Easter 
hat. 

Not a few women belong to so many clubs 
that they have little time to think of home 
and Heaven. Church duties are put aside for 
club work. As long as the church is neglected 
for clubs Satan's business will increase. The 
good of the churches demands more Christ 
and fewer clubs. The home is neglected for 
the club. The ideal wife always finds more 
attraction in the home than in the club-room. 
Home is her first thought ; she lives for it and 
in it. The woman who puts home above clubs, 



Lecture on Clubs 41 

don't have so far to go to get to Heaven when 
she dies. 

Some men are so wrapped up in club life 
that they are seldom at home at night. They 
neglect what should be their heaven on earth 
until it becomes a hell. They loaf at the club- 
room until it is the only place they feel at 
home. Their wives join a club to "get even," 
and the home is deserted. The occupants have 
gone out; so has the flame of love; the Devil 
gets in his work, and the lawyers soon get fees. 
Many homes are wrecked because the hus- 
bands put club life above home life. 

Some men join clubs because they like clubs 
that are associated with diamonds, hearts and 
spades. This quartette wins them away from 
home, and they are soon swift on the road to 
ruin. In the blind hope of winning diamonds, 
they tarry long with the clubs ; the spades as- 
sist in digging their graves financially and they 
soon lose the hearts that are most precious to 
them if they value home and happiness above 
club life. Men as well as towns are often 
clubbed to death. They put club above home, 
have a through ticket to the Devil's plantations 
and never realize what idiots they are until the 
conductor on Satan's fastest train calls: "All 
out for Hell!" 



42 Lecture on Szvcethearts 



LECTURE ON SWEETHEARTS 

A sweetheart is a man or womati that is 
thought to have wings by some other man or 
woman. The one who has never had a sweet- 
heart has never known what it is to see angels 
in dreams. Some have never been sweethearts, 
and some have been sweethearts so often that 
it is of Httle more importance to them than 
getting new clothes. When a man falls in love 
good and sure, he has a sweetheart and he don't 
care who knows it. Nature has constituted 
man so that he wants the whole world to know 
when he finds a real live angel. Men find angels 
before they are married and lose them after 
marriage ; that is, they forget they are angels. 
It is only before they have taken somebody for 
"better or worse" that they float to the ex- 
tremely happy state where they forget all about 
the past and don't care anything for the future 
— they live in the present. When a man has 
a sweetheart the first time he is then nearer 
Heaven than h£ ever will be again and ought to 
be killed for the good of himself and society. 
It is always best to shoot a bird when it is on 
the highest limb, so that if it is not killed in- 
stantly the fall will knock the life out of it. 

The sweetheart stage always precedes mar- 
riage and seldom follows it. The woman who 



Lecture on Sweethearts 43 

said she would rather be a sweetheart a year 
than a wife a Hfe-time, knew more than she 
thought she did. Too few men think as much 
of their wives as they did of their last sweet- 
heart. Before marriage they could not be good 
enough to them ; after marriage they are afraid 
they will be too good to them. It is well that 
some women have a season in Heaven before 
marriage ; for they spend the rest of their days 
in the other place. 

Many men who spent every night in the 
week and most of Sunday with their sweet- 
hearts are usually too busy, or too something 
else, to spend one evening a week with their 
wives. They have so much politics, so many 
lodges, or so many other women to look after 
that they forget they have ex-sweethearts at 
places they call home. The Devil lurks most 
around the homes where the husbands are the 
least. Men who let the sweetheart days die 
with the honeymoon are oftenest made defend- 
ants in divorce cases. No thing, called a man, 
has a right to take a woman from a pleasant 
home to wear her life away watching by lamp- 
light for the one, who, in the sight of God, 
promised to be a man to the one who had been 
his sweetheart. If all men proved as attentive 
to their wives as they do to their sweethearts, 
Satan would be compelled to discharge many 
of his numerous assistants. Many wives long 
to be sweethearts again, so they will not have 



44 Lecture on Sweethearts 

to stay at home alone of nights. Marriage ends 
the happiness of thousands of women because 
they get trousers with no man in them. 

In sweetheart times and the days that fol- 
low, women are not all angels and men all 
devils. Thousands of women lose their wings 
when they take on matrimony. While sweet- 
hearts they welcomed with a smile and good- 
byed with a kiss. When wives they welcome 
with a frown and good-bye with a scowl. If 
all women were as pleasant when wives as 
when sweethearts there would be more women 
in Heaven and fewer men in Hell. Nothing 
will so soon fit a man for Satan's kingdom as 
to be the husband of a woman who is the op- 
posite of what she was when he wooed her. 
Deception in courtship leads to domestic deso- 
lation after marriage. The man who is tickled 
under the chin as a sweetheart and pounded 
over the head as a husband is soon driven to 
desperation or the gutter; in either case he 
is himself no more, and the sun of domestic 
happiness ceases to shine about the hearth- 
stone. Some wives have tough animals to 
handle, but they handled them as sweethearts, 
why not as husbands. They should not forget 
past experience and profit by it. No man is 
so much of a brute that he will not be as docile 
as a lamb if he is made to believe he is a sweet- 
heart. One tickle under the chin will do more 
to make a man look pleasant than being ap- 



Lecture on Sweethearts 45 

pointed postmaster. Even a mule switches his 
tail with delight when you pat him on the jaw, 
besides he cannot kick you while you are in 
the region of his whiskers. So it is with men ; 
if women want to handle them easily, they 
should not neglect the place where their 
whiskers are or ought to be. Men are so 
much like mules that it is often difficult for 
them to be different. 

Becoming sweethearts is easier for some 
than it is for others. With most young people 
being sweetheart the first time is like having 
the measles before they break out — they know 
they've got something but can't tell what it is. 
The oftener a woman becomes a sweetheart the 
easier it is for her to become one. While a 
young woman hesitates about the propriety of 
becoming some young man's "turtle dove," a 
widow will pass through the sweetheart stage, 
become a bride and be home from the "few 
days in Chicago and other cities." Widows 
have been known to be sweethearts and brides 
in a day and thirty minutes by a fast watch. 
Widowers are as swift as widows. They will 
have sweethearts if they have to advertise for 
them. Widowers often have stranger sweet- 
hearts shipped to them C. O. D., yet would 
refuse to buy a horse, a cow, or a brindle dog 
without seeing it. No wonder Shakespeare 
said, "What fools these mortals be." 



46 Lecture on Truth 



LECTURE ON TRUTH 

"Truth is mighty" — scarce. It is plenty until 
a supply is wanted. To hunt it is to get tired 
and want to go home. The man who starts 
out to find genuine truth, comes back with his 
good opinion of humanity badly shaken. About 
the time he thinks he has it located he learns 
it is farther up the road. The more he hunts 
the farther it is away and he wonders why he 
was fool enough to hunt it. 

Truth is one of the most highly-prized and 
least coveted things among man's capabilities. 
It is a priceless jewel in the crown of good 
character. Yet such jewels are scarcer than 
radium. Since Adam had "snakes" and was 
kicked out of the Garden of Eden, there has 
lived only one man whom all the world be- 
lieved capable of telling "nothing but the 
truth," and he died. During his lifetime he had 
no competitors. Since his death there have 
been attempts to imitate him, but they were all 
regarded as counterfeits. The people refuse to 
believe one world could stand it to have two 
men who told the truth at all times. George 
Washington told his father he "could not tell 
a lie," and no one questioned the statement, 
though it was made by a boy and there were 
no corroborating witnesses. Since then the one 



Lecture on Truth 47 

who said : "I cannot tell a lie" took his life in 
his hand. The people believe there is one God, 
likewise only one man that had lying left out 
of him. 

Truth is scarcer than it would be if parents 
did not teach their children to lie. Almost be- 
fore they are able to stand alone they are given 
the old musty Santa Claus lie that has come 
down through the ages, and is as senseless as 
it is false. As regularly as comes the anni- 
versary of the birth of Christ, parents tell their 
children, who are too young to know a lie from 
the truth, that if they will hang up their stock- 
ings Santa Claus will come down the chimney 
and fill them with candy and other things. 
Then they chuckle like they had done some- 
thing smart. Think of good, Christian fathers 
and mothers on the eve of the anniversary of 
Christ's birth, giving that old, unreasonable 
lie to their children. It is little wonder that 
after they learn how they were deceived they 
think it honorable and right to lie. It is time 
the Santa Claus fraud is buried. If nothing 
more it should be separated from the anni- 
versary of the Savior's birth. If parents want 
to continue the St. Nick method of deceiving 
their children they should change the time to 
"ground hog day," "April-fool day," or "In- 
dependence day," when the hog, the fool and 
the eagle are to the front, and no one is ex- 
pected to tell the truth or think of Christ, 



48 Lecture on Truth 

Truth would be more plentiful if parents al- 
ways spoke the truth in the presence of their 
children. A child that receives daily lessons 
in lying will soon have little respect for the 
truth. Promises to children by parents should 
be faithfully kept, even if it is a promise to 
punish. An unkept promise from a parent to 
a child lessens its idea of the value of truth, and 
its respect for the lying parent. The child that 
is often promised punishment, yet never is pun- 
ished, will not only detect the lack of truth in 
its parents, but will soon be telling them what 
to do. No child rightly respects a lying parent. 
The best lessons in truth telling are taught by 
truth-acting parents. The mother who sends 
her child to tell an unwelcome caller she is not 
at home makes a black mark on the character 
of the child that may remain through life. The 
father who is fool enough to promise his son 
pay for doing errands ought to be honest 
enough to pay him. Children who have to be 
hired to obey their parents have not been 
properly raised. Parents who put a price on 
their child's obedience are that far fools and its 
worst enemies. 

It is said "truth crushed to earth will rise 
again." A wounded bird that falls to the 
ground may fly away, but it suffers from the 
loss of blood. A pugilist sent reeling to his 
corner may return when time is called, but 
he feels groggy. So "crushed truth may rise 



Lecture on Truth 49 

again," but Its feathers will be badly mussed, 
it will feel sick at the stomach, and have a tired 
feeling. 

Though most people have had at least a 
slight acquaintance with Truth there are hun- 
dreds who wouldn't know it if they met it when 
the sun was shining. Truth knows its friends, 
and shies around its enemies. The one who 
has most respect for the truth, is the least re- 
spected by Satan. The man who establishes a 
reputation for telling the truth, will not be 
welcome in the land where the fires are never 
out. 

People who tell the truth do so for different 
reasons. Some do so because its easy, some 
in self-defense, some because they like to be 
with the minority, some because they have ex- 
hausted their supply of lies, and some by ac- 
cident. There may be a few other classes, but 
they are few in a bunch. Those who know 
which class they belong to are wiser than their 
friends believe them to be. 



50 Lecture on Poodle Dogs 



LECTURE ON POODLE DOGS 

There are many kinds of dogs, but there is 
no kind that is more peculiarly its own kind 
than the poodle. It is easy to tell a poodle dog 
from any other kind of a dog, but it is not easy 
to tell which end its head is on. But the poodle 
is not the only living thing that has a head that 
is hard to locate. Often people do such foolish 
things that it is not easy to believe their heads 
are rightly located. Such is the case with some 
women who think more of a little woolly, 
knock-kneed poodle than they do of any other 
member of the family. They will call the 
poodle "deary," kiss it on the snoot, and make 
more fuss over it than most mothers over their 
first born. Some women hug and kiss poodles 
until the poor, little things seem to wish they 
were men so they could get a rest. The action 
of some women when slobbering over a poodle 
is enough to give a white man a hurting in 
his colic district. Of course the poodle is not 
to be blamed, but pitied. It wouldn't have been 
a poodle had it known what was in store for it. 
It is not to be wondered that so many of them 
die young. Who wouldn't "shuffle off this 
mortal coil" early in life if he knew some fool 
woman wouldn't give him time to sleep, keep- 
ing him awake trying to find which end his 



Lecture on Poodle Dogs 61 

head was on so she could "buss him right on 
the snoot." Think of a husband seeing the 
caresses that God intended for him lavished 
upon a little 4x6 sample of the canine family. 
It is no wonder he wants a divorce or death. 
It is no wonder he goes away and commits 
suicide, goes to the army or joins a minstrel 
troupe. He gets lonesome and tired waiting 
for his turn to be caressed. He would kill the 
poodle, but he knows it can't live long anyhow, 
and then he stands a chance of being promoted 
to his proper place in the home. The man who 
has a poodle woman for a wife is lucky if he 
does not die with hydrophobia. The woman 
who can kiss a poodle on the snoot, has no 
right to a husband. He would be compelled 
to "lead a dog's life." 

Of course some women who think more of 
a poodle than they do of their husbands are 
not wholly to blame. They may have caught 
it from their mothers. Too, it may be they 
have husbands that are less worthy of their 
love than a poodle. There are two things in 
which the poodle excels many men : It stays 
at home of nights and it always knows which 
end its head is on whether other people do or 
not. Think of a thing called a man, who has 
promised to love, cherish and honor a woman 
going home at 2 o'clock in the morning so 
drunk he don't know which end his head is on. 
But it don't make much difference whether he 



52 Lecture on Poodle Dogs 

knows or not, so far as brains go. The man, 
so called, who has a wife who loves and honors 
him and by his acts places himself below the 
level of the poodle should not whine if she 
lavishes her love on a poodle or some two-leg- 
ged cur that happens to come along and takes 
'advantage of the conditions of the clouded 
home. 

The poodle is not a native of the humble 
home where there are no carpets on the floors, 
the family sleeps on home-made bedsteads and 
discarded pantaloons serve as the window 
glass. They always move in society circles, 
sleep on rugs, get shampooed once a week, or 
oftener, ride in carriages and feed at the table. 
Perhaps some of them are so well educated in 
table etiquette that they use nothing but a 
fork in eating. Thing of a poodle trying to 
cut a beef steak with a fork, yet that is what 
some people are fools enough to try to do be- 
cause it is the style. Such a sight would 
bring tears to the eyes and sorrow to the heart. 
Most poodles seem to enjoy "society life" and 
learn readily the language of their mistresses. 
They try to use a bark not their own, and 
then think they have done something that adds 
to their condition in society. Poodles love 
home. It is not recorded that a poodle ever 
changed its boarding place of its own free will. 
It remains in "society's realm" until it is killed 
with kindness, dies of old age, or commits 



Lecture on Talk 53 

suicide to prevent the husband of its mistress 
dying of a broken heart. 

When the poodle wraps the costly fringe of 
its high-priced rug about its woolly form and 
goes hence ward, there is sadness and joy in 
its late home. Its mistress sheds tears of sor- 
row and the husbands tears of joy. But the 
poodle sleeps on. It is in vain that the sor- 
rowing one tries to "call" it back. It gets a 
big funeral and is buried in a costly "box." At 
the grave is erected a marble slab on which is 
inscribed : 

"A precious one from us is gone; 

A voice we loved is stilled; 
A place is vacant in our home 

That never can be filled." 



LECTURE ON TALK 

Talk is expression. Sometimes it expresses 
ideas, and sometimes it shows lack of them. 
Some think without talking and others talk 
without thinking. The one who talks most 
thinks least. It is easier to talk than think. 
Some people talk because they can't think ; and 
others think they should not talk until they 
can think. This would doom them to eternal 
silence. Some never get tired of talking, but 
they make everybody else tired. They talk 
till someone falls off a chair, and then ask if 



54 Lecture on Talk 

heart trouble is the cause of the sudden drop. 
The one who would rather talk than eat, ought 
to be fed on "wind pudding" until he is mis- 
taken for a flying machine. Nature designed a 
way to regulate the amount people talk, but 
many have not been supplied with nature's 
provision. A good, healthy brain is the rub- 
lock that prevents the wheels in the head being 
made to turn too fast by wind. The rub-locks of 
some are so small that they can't find them 
when they should use them or if they do, they 
are not large enough to be of use. A mouth 
without a rub-lock is like an engine with the 
throttle open — runs until it hits something or 
something hits it. 

There is a time to talk and a time to not talk. 
The time to talk is when there is something to 
say worth hearing; the time not to talk is when 
there is no necessity for making public a lack 
of good sense. "A still tongue" is evidence of 
a wise head; but a noisy tongue is proof of a 
vacancy where brains Avere intended to be. A 
still tongue does not mean as silent as the 
grave. Nature intended that man should talk, 
and even lovely woman may say a few words 
without her God-given right being questioned ; 
but there is a well-defined line between too 
much and too little talking. 

**Talk is cheap," but is more expensive than 
any other kind of "wind." It causes the loss 
of life. Homes are wrecked because some- 



Lecture on Talk 55 

body talks too much. Reputations are ruined 
because people will talk; characters are black- 
ened because somebody talks about somebody 
else. Young lives have been blighted because 
some open-mouthed fool must blab. Many peo- 
ple so enjoy talking about others that they 
would rather miss a circus than a chance to 
talk about their neighbors. There are always 
a few in each neighborhood who do more harm 
with their tongues than a whole church can 
counteract. They know all that happens and 
a good many things that do not happen. They 
tell all they know and much that they don't 
know. They are more to be dreaded than the 
snake that crawls noiselessly through the grass. 
One evilly inclined person with a mouthful 
of polluted wind is more dangerous than the 
midnight thief. The latter carries away that 
which can be replaced; the former besmears 
reputation, blackens character and often sends 
the victim in sorrow to the tomb. No character 
is safe when the neighborhood is the home of 
one who is always talking about others. Such 
people are a nuisance to society. They are 
human hyenas. They tear down what others 
build up, and thrive on what would make some 
sick. 

If people could not talk about each other, 
talking would be decreased one-half. Every- 
body talks about somebody. Some know when 
to stop talking; others do not. There is a 



56 Lecture on Talk 

difference between those who make a business 
of talking about others and those who talk 
about others for pastime. 

Man has invented ''talking machines,'* but 
they can never win a blue ribbon from some 
women. There are plenty of women who can 
give a talking machine fifteen points and then 
win without knowing it. Women talk more 
than men because they have more to talk about. 
Woman is the first talking machine there is 
record of and she has successfully held her 
place against all inventions of man. Some men 
know this too well. They do not have to be 
told women can talk. Socrates, the philoso- 
pher, and Rip Van Winkle, the hunter, never 
had to learn in books that women can talk. 
Poor old Rip; he sought the company of his 
faithful dog rather than that of his wife be- 
cause she never knew when to quit talking. 
She was not the first nor the last woman to keep 
on talking after she had said enough. Some 
women talk and talk because they think they 
have a musical voice. Some because they think 
they are a little smarter than other women, and 
others because they don't know enough to keep 
still when they ought to. Some women would 
have the colic every day if they were not 
chronic gabbers. A woman who knows when 
to quit talking and will quit at that time, is 
worth her weight in gold. Women's mouths 
often make widows of them. Tongue is good 



Lecture on Singing 57 

but brains are better. A woman with a thimble 
full of brains and a barrel of gab is a burden to 
a home. The husband lives with her awhile 
for the good of the family, then he lives with- 
out her for the good of his soul. 

Some people talk in their sleep. Some women 
talk so much when their husbands are awake 
that they have to talk when their wives are 
asleep or not talk at all. The man who talks 
in his sleep takes dangerous chances. Many 
men have been convicted (in the minds of their 
wives) by talking in their sleep. The man who 
talks while he slumbers ought to stay awake 
to hear what he talks about in his sleep. 

After all, talk is a good thing. If people 
couldn't talk there would be more of them 
braying and, the Lord knows, there are too 
many of them braying now. 



LECTURE ON SINGING 

Singing is generally good or bad ; sometimes 
it is worse, and much worse at other times; 
often it is so bad it can't be worse. When it 
is bad it causes a tired feeling and a desire to 
commit murder. Nothing will so arouse the 
demon nature as singing that could not be 
worse. Many people have saved their lives by 
stopping what they called singing at the right 
time. 



58 Lecture on Singing 

There was a time when singing was singing. 
It was not disguised and everyone could easily 
tell it was something more than noise. Now it 
is usually impossible to recognize singing in 
the fashionable noise. It is as much different 
from real singing as a Plymouth Rock hen is 
from a Pekin duck. This is because people 
want to be in style even if there is no sense in 
the style. The style now is to sing so no one 
can tell what is being sung, and it is seldom 
one has courage enough to break away from 
the modern squeal, and sing. When there is 
such a one the hearers begin to think about 
angels and drink in the sweet tones as eagerly 
as a thirsty duck does water. Though up-to- 
date singing is as Latin to most people, it is 
surprising how so many know "it is just love- 
ly," and are "so sorry" there was not more of 
it. It is often true that those who cannot dis- 
tinguish a fashionable squeal from a young 
porker's pleading for release, will prate about 
the excellence of a vocal solo until their friends 
feel like bidding them good-bye. Some would 
rather go hungry than admit they didn't enjoy 
hearing singing that made them feel like they 
were about to be captured by a gang of Indians. 
If a man thinks he can stand it to die a horri- 
ble death, it is not necessary for him to hear 
modern singing, he can be run over by a slow 
engine. 

Some sing too much and some don't sing 



Lecture on Singing 59 

enough. Usually those who can't sing, sing 
too much, and those who can sing, sing too 
little. It is not always the singer's fault that 
they try to do something they can't. Parents 
know their children can sing, no matter if their 
voices are more suited for swine calling. Hun- 
dreds of children who might amount to some- 
thing if nature were allowed to direct the 
course of their lives, fool away their best 
years trying to become great singers. Some- 
times a favorite son or daughter, who never 
can sing, is provided with a fine piano when 
there is not a book in the home that is worth 
reading. It is well enough to develop the 
voice, when it is suitable for development, 
but it is cruel to starve the brains of all the 
children in the family that one may try to be 
a ''famous singer." 

In their clamor for new songs sung in the 
new way, people should learn a lesson from 
the birds. No sweeter songs were ever sung 
than those sung by birds, yet they sing the 
same songs and in the same way they have 
been sung since time began. Their songs 
are as pleasing today as they were thousands 
of years ago. While the sweetest songs are 
those sung by the birds, yet they are not aided 
by costly instruments. There is no piercing 
squeal or agonizing squawk that makes an 
audience feel like going home. The song of a 
bird never made anyone tired. 



60 Lecture on Singing 

The twentieth century squeal is heard in 
the home, the church and the theater. It drives 
the cats and dogs from the home, the nervous 
from the church and the weakly from the 
theater. Only the robust can endure it. No 
matter what the result, it must be heard. Some 
people would explode if they didn't get to sing 
in public. In many homes modern singing is 
put above everything else. Many young women 
who do not know the multiplication table and 
couldn't cook an eatable meal, if the lives of 
the whole family depended upon it, will spend 
most of the time learning to squeal in the high- 
est key while their mothers do the washing, 
and often the tired, old mothers think they are 
doing the proper thing by raising their daugh- 
ters in ignorance and laziness. Such girls are 
no more fit for wives than hen-pecked hus- 
bands are to be entered in a poultry show. Girls 
who waste time trying to coax a voice to 
sing that is more suited for calling the cows, 
should profit from those birds that never try 
to sing because they know they cannot. When 
a girl makes up her mind that she can be a 
great singer, she ought to take herself off the 
matrimonial market until after she faces the 
cold world in an effort to be a Jenny Lind. 
Then she will be ready to learn to bake bread 
and in other ways realize the sweetest music 
from human voice is the song of the happy 
queen of the home. 



Lecture on Old Maids 61 



LECTURE ON OLD MAIDS 

Old maids were once young girls. They 
may have wanted to get married very bad in 
their short dress and gum-chewing days, but 
through some good fortune their want was not 
realized and they continued to grow older and 
wiser. Before they got to be old enough and 
wise enough to be old maids they never heard 
of the marriage of a girl friend without look- 
ing in the glass to see if their beauty was fad- 
ing. Sometimes thoughts of their loneliness 
would cause them to shed tears. They were 
afraid all the fish (suckers) would be caught 
before they would even get a bite. In their 
anxiety to catch something, they never realized 
that it is the little fish that always bite first. 
Often they despair, but never begin to lose 
hope until they are real, live, old maids with 
wrinkles on their brows and gray hairs among 
their tresses. Then they begin to feel and seem 
indifferent, yet wonder if some man will have 
sense enough to know a bargain when he sees 
it. If he does, he, no doubt, wins a prize, and 
then all the other old maids in the neighbor- 
hood will begin to elevate their ears and 
wonder when their time will come. When an 
old maid gets married it puts new hope in the 
hearts of her old maid friends. They each say : 



62 Lecture on Old Maids 

*'If she can get married, I can." Sometimes 
they are mistaken but never lose all hope. The 
nearest they come to losing hope is when a 
widow marries. An old maid would rather see 
six other old maids marry than one widow. 
She thinks the widow ought to wait to see if 
there are enough men to go around. 

There would be more old maids if so many 
girls did not accept the first offer of marriage 
thinking it would be the last. Too many girls 
are afraid of being called old maids. They 
land the first sucker that nibbles, and then 
wish the line had broken when they jerked. 
The girl who marries to escape being an old 
maid, needs a conservator. 

Many old maids are victims of bashful lovers. 
They would have been married ere they "cross- 
ed the line" if their Romeos had possessed suf- 
ficient courage to tell them the "innermost 
chambers of their souls were burning up with 
love for them." Gladly would they "pour out" 
the fervor of their hearts, but they can't. Every 
time they try to pour, the fervor runs back and 
stops the flow. Often when a young man at- 
tempts to make the "speech of his life" his 
heart flops wrong end up, and he has to seek 
fresh air to prevent choking to death. The 
fellow who can't pop the question without 
choking up, ought to carry a ramrod. 

There is little deserved criticism to make of 
old maids. It is impossible to say mean things 



Lecture on Old Maids 63 

about them without lying. They are "the salt 
of the earth" and a good deal of the sugar. 
Even a sour old maid is sweet — to somebody. 
Old maids are the hope of the country; with- 
out them there would be no reserve supply of 
good wife material on hand. The man who 
gets an old maid for a companion, usually gets 
something. There are few blanks in the old 
maid part of the matrimonial lottery. They 
are not the kind of women who scream and 
fly upon the chair when they see a mouse. 
Neither do they allow a drunken husband to 
worry the life out of them by often coming 
home in a condition that makes hogs shy 
around him. Instead of crying herself to sleep 
the old maid wife enlightens her husband on a 
few points that she lays down as law. She 
forces into his befuddled mind that if he is 
determined to go to the devil he can't take her 
along. She informs him that she married be- 
cause she thought she was getting a man, and 
that if she was mistaken she will correct the 
mistake without unnecessary delay. Many live 
with drunken husbands all their lives because 
they do not have the courage to "sober them 
up" the first time they came home full of swill. 
An old maid usually has the nerve and good 
sense to hit Satan a whack the first time he 
sticks his head in at her door. She firmly in- 
forms the man that promised to love and 
cherish her that she does not intend to go 



64 Lecture on Old Maids 

through life with a whiskey barrel for a part- 
ner, and he knows she means it. God never 
intended that a part of a wife's duty is to 
wipe slobber off her husband's snoot and clean 
up vomit. The woman who does these things 
is that far a fool, and ought to order a new 
spinal column. Old maids are seldom such 
fools. 

Old maids never get too old to accept an 
offer of marriage, but they have perhaps missed 
too many good chances in their lives to take 
the first dude that comes their way because he 
is labeled "man." They know that ''scare- 
crows" sometimes wear breeches as well as 
men. They have heard enough about "three 
card monte" to know which shell has nothing 
under it. They know the difference between 
zero and one. 

Cupid is a great friend of the old maids be- 
cause they do not give him much trouble. They 
do not fall in and out of love twice a week, 
causing him to be behind with his work, and 
he shows his appreciation by letting them 
know when there are some bargains in the 
market. This is why old maids usually get 
married before their friends knew they had 
even an indication of a chance. Nothing gives 
an old maid more genuine pleasure than to get 
married before her old maid friends suspect 
she contemplates matrimony. 

Old maids are not in strong demand by 



Lecture on Snow 65 

widowers, and widowers are not the most 
sought after by old maids. This may be be- 
cause the widowers think the old maids would 
have been married long ago if they had been 
worth having, or because the old maids do 
not want second-hand husbands. Often both 
make a mistake by shying around each other. 
The widower who marries a school girl in place 
of an old maid, and the old maid who marries 
a young dude instead of a widower, will never 
be accused of having brains above the average 
weight. 



LECTURE ON SNOW 

Snow is like man because it falls. Man is 
like snow because he comes to the earth to 
remain awhile and pass away. Snow is always 
white; man comes in assorted colors. Some 
are black, some white, some yellow, some red, 
all green — at sometime in their lives. In some 
this green is periodical; in others it extends 
from the cradle to the grave. "As pure as the 
driven snow" is more than can be said of man ; 
he is pure in spots. Snow comes hurrying and 
scurrying; man goes hurrying and worrying. 
Snow often comes when least expected; man 
goes when the "summons comes." Snow 
covers the face of the earth; so does man — in 

5 



66 Lecture on Snow 

places. Snow comes from above ; man is striv- 
ing to go that v^ay. Snow don't know why it 
is here; man thinks he knows why he is here, 
though the question has never been fully de- 
termined, and investigation continues. 

Snow falls in every life. It is the sunshine 
that makes more beautiful the life of man. It 
comes gently as a messenger from Heaven to 
cover up and protect the good thoughts that 
have taken root in the soul, and are striving 
to grow into good deeds. Kind thoughts and 
noble acts represent the snow flakes that fall 
gently. They come noiselessly and in time melt 
away. Though each is small, yet when melted 
and united in coursing down the mountain 
side they have a force that is utilized in pro- 
moting great enterprises. So with kind words 
or noble deeds. One may be of little con- 
sequence, yet many of them united drive des- 
pondency from many hearts, despair from 
many homes, and encourage the discouraged 
to continue striving in the battle of life. He 
who lifts sunken hope in the heart of the 
despondent is greater than a king. God smiles 
when He sees one of His children dropping 
snowflakes of kindness into the heart over 
which darkness is hovering. The earth is 
fresher for being covered with snow ; the heart 
into which kind words have fallen is more 
hopeful. It is not often that a heart is "snowed 
under" with kind words and kind acts. 



Lecture on Snow 67 

The world is chilly, except when some mor- 
tal makes it hot for some other mortal. Life 
is a game of ''freeze-out." "Society" is fringed 
with icicles; the air is chilly; the snow of 
exclusiveness is falling, and the "genial cur- 
rents of the soul" are all frozen over. The 
god of fashion goes sleigh-riding on the ice, 
and his devotees coast on the hillside. Now 
and then an icicle drops, through shame, and 
is kicked aside. The snow continues to fall 
and many a poor fool is lost in its depths. He 
enjoyed the coasting till his money was gone, 
then went to wander in the woods without 
furs. The whirl of society whirled him on 
the outside and he cannot enter again. 

Wealth is the snow that falls upon many. 
It comes to them as sunshine from Heaven — 
without their effort. Thick and fast come the 
flakes, piling up till it seems there is no more 
room, yet it falls and falls. Often its bless- 
ings become so numerous that they are a bur- 
den. Too much wealth has driven many to 
the asylum. Abundance of money has added 
thousands to the suicide list. Too much snow 
obstructs. 

Poverty is the snow that falls to the lot of 
millions. It falls seemingly without ceasing. 
It piles up at the back door and the front door, 
and well up by the windows. There seems no 
sign of ceasing, and there is danger of all be- 
ing lost in the drifts piled up by the winds of 



68 Lecture on Snow 

adversity. But the warmth of love within the 
heart begins to melt the besieging flakes and 
the danger is past. The members of the home 
where all is peace and love need not despair. 
One spark of affection will melt more snow 
than a mountain of gold. Wealth cannot buy 
true love; poverty cannot drive it away. 

Snow is known in politics. It always has 
and always will fall on election day. The 
flakes are big ; they fall thick and fast, and the 
snow gets deep — great banks of it — and there 
are always people under it. It is sometimes 
hard to dig them out, and they kick because 
they were not allowed to die without a doctor. 
The man who runs for office never gets enough 
used to snow to like it. He is always sure it 
will snow on the other fellow's side of the 
fence. When the fall is on his side he looks 
disappointed. It always makes a man look 
friendless to go to the polls in a carriage and 
ride home in a sleigh. 

Snow can be made into balls and thrown. It 
never strikes one so forcibly at any other time. 
Flattery is the snow balls of society. They are 
thrown for effect and always affect those they 
are thrown at. They always hit in the ear and 
affect the brain. The less the brain the greater 
the effect. People like to be struck with some- 
thing soft. This is why so many young ladies 
can endure dudes. It is always easier to make 
an "impression" on something half baked. 



Lecture on Hypocrites 69 



LECTURE ON HYPOCRITES 

Hypocrites are the skunks of humanity. 
They are the worst "stinkers" alive or dead. 
They live on deceit and flourish on pure cussed- 
ness. They always pretend to be what they 
are not because they are not what they pre- 
tend to be. They would not seem to be what 
they are if they knew it would bring good for- 
tune to them. They delight in deceiving as a 
hog delights in wallowing in the mud — be- 
cause it is their nature. The mud of hypocrisy 
clings to them as does the wet dirt to the 
swine. They never tire of trying to deceive 
others, and others seem to never tire of being 
deceived by them. Though the Bible says, 
"The hypocrite's hope shall perish," he always 
has reason to hope, because he always finds 
people ready to believe he is what he pre- 
tends to be. All men cannot be hypocrites and 
no hypocrite can be a man. Hypocrisy makes 
devils of men. It leads them where angels 
fear to tread. Though at first they stay near 
the shore of true manhood when venturing on 
its waters, the beauty of its banks soon fades 
from view, and Satan tows them into the middle 
of the stream and they are lost. The poet has 
said: 

"What a tangled web we weave 
When first we practice to deceive." 



70 Lecture on Hypocrites 

It is natural for some to be hypocrites, and 
for some it is not natural to be hypocrites. If 
there is a patch of hypocrisy in the heart, it 
grows by cultivation. The more the Devil is 
encouraged the bolder he becomes. If he finds 
no weak spot in the heart, he journeys on until 
he finds what he is looking for — a heart with a 
^'rotten speck in it." One hypocritical speck 
in a heart can be made to grow until Satan 
owns the whole territory and has a high fence 
around it. 

The membership of the churches are sand- 
wiched with hypocrites. It is impossible to 
keep them out. They get in for a purpose and 
usually accomplish that purpose. They put on 
Christ's cloak to do the Devil's work. Some- 
times the object is to deceive someone in mar- 
riage. Often when a man sees Cupid is slow 
or incapable of accomplishing what he intended 
him to do, Satan is called in as assistant. If 
the heart to be reached is given to the cause of 
its Master, Satan recommends conversion for 
his employer, and into the church he goes. The 
plan works. The woman who would have her 
heart welded to none other than one "filled with 
religion" falls into the trap, and becomes a 
bride. It was a "'happy event." Soon as the 
feast is over Cupid and the guests take their 
leave, but Satan and the hypocrite remain. The 
honeymoon is soon an eclipse — it is back of 
the clouds of discontent. Soon the domestic 



Lecture on Hypocrites 71 

sky darkens ; the thunders roll ; the lightnings 
flash and hypocrisy is triumphant. The one 
who joins church to assist Cupid in making a 
capture is a base hypocrite. Some become 
Christians (?) that they may more easily de- 
fraud those with whom they have dealings. 
They pretend to be good that they may be bad 
and not be suspicioned, or have their faults 
overlooked by their brethren. The Devil's 
successor will be one that wears a religious 
cloak under which to hide what he steals. Hell 
is the home of the man who steals in the name 
of Christ. 

In joining church some play the hypo- 
crite by selecting the church that has the larg- 
est membership, because they think it will 
benefit them most in their business, in running 
for office, socially or some other way. Some 
would rather sell a few hundred dollars worth 
more goods than serve God according to the 
dictates of their conscience ; some would rather 
go to Hell than be caught in Heaven wearing 
a badge that represented a church with a small 
membership, and some can't enjoy a sermon 
that is not preached to a fashionable congre- 
gation. 

It is not surprising that there are so many 
hypocrites in the churches. The churches are 
too lenient with them. When they get in a 
church they usually stay until they "drop out," 
die or move away and are given a letter certi- 



72 Lecture on Hypocrites 

fying that they are in "good standing," and 
commending them to the "christian love and 
oversight" of the brethren in another part of 
the Lord's vineyard. So long as hypocrites 
can get such letters from church boards, that 
long v^ill the church be bored with hypo- 
crites. They will always go in when they know 
they can get out bearing a certificate of good 
character. Because a man has his name on a 
church book is no reason he is a Christian. 
The man who has his name on the church rolls 
and works for Satan, will get choice of rooms 
in Hell. 

Hypocrites do more to hinder the progress 
of religion than all the rest of Satan's imps. 
They use the church as a cloak and religion as 
a blind to hide behind while they defraud and 
do worse. Hypocrites in religion are the Dev- 
il's eavesdroppers. As spies they learn the weak 
places in the lines of the Great Commander 
and assist in leading attacks against them. The 
man who uses the church as a cloak to cover 
up the black spots in his character will get few 
favors in the "land below." The two-pronged- 
tail ruler would keep a guard over him to keep 
him from stealing enough brimstone to start a 
business of his own. 



Lecture on Spells 73 



LECTURE ON SPELLS 

All people have "spells." From the time 
they get their first clothes on until they are 
ready for cemetery suits they are subject to 
them. Some have spells often, some oftener 
and some oftenest. Some have hard spells, 
some soft spells and some half done spells. 
Some make everybody else wish they were 
dead or in the river when they have spells, 
while others make others happy when they 
have them. Some have spells and do not know 
it, but all their friends do. Many are real an- 
gels until a spell strikes them and then are real 
devils. Spells are one of Satan's plans to pro- 
mote emigration to his country. He would 
rather see one have a mad spell than to see the 
fire burn. He knows people have little if any 
sense when they are mad, as they then often 
do things that better fit them for his kingdom. 
Satan always smiles when he sees a man so 
mad that he is blind to reason. When a man 
has a mad spell he ought to hire someone to 
pour water on his head until the fire goes out. 
If no one had a mad spell there would be more 
friendliness, fewer divorces, fewer murders, 
and more people fit for Heaven. Hundreds of 
homes are wrecked because the husband, the 
wife or both have mad spells — spells when 



74 Lecture on Spells 

they will not give the sense they have a chance 
to reason. 

Some men v^ouldn't seem natural if they 
didn't have mad fits regularly and make the 
home seem like Satan's place. Mad husbands 
often bellow like an enraged bull and make 
about as good an exhibition of sense. They 
curse the wife until she wleeps and the children 
until they hide from the infuriated animal they 
have been taught to believe is their protector. 
The man who will curse his wife and children 
is one of the biggest of fools and the worst of 
cowards. He is a Goliah in size and a David 
in courage. 

Wives are not free from mad spells. Many 
of them are subject to mad fits that make them 
veritable she lions. They make their husbands 
tired, their children despondent and the dogs 
and cats lonesome. They drive more sun- 
shine out at the door in an hour than can come 
in through windows in a week. They make all 
about them feel like taking shelter in a storm 
cave. There can never be complete happiness 
in the home where the wife has mad spells. 

Many husbands and wives have spells of be- 
ing good to each other. Some days they are 
all sunshine and some days all clouds. The 
smiles of today are the frowns of tomorrow. A 
home where the husband and wife have mad 
spells is a sorry place. There is more battle 
than peace ; hugging one day and clubbing the 



Lecture on Spells 75 

next ; kisses today and growls tomorrow. The 
home is half blessed where the husband and 
wife do not have mad spells the same day. If 
one smiles while the other raves, the sunshine 
in one may dispel the clouds in the other. Sun- 
shine breaking through the clouds always gives 
encouragement. A mad wife soon gets ashamed 
of growling at a smiling husband. The little 
manhood in a man who curses his wife soon 
asserts itself when the wife laughs at his 
frothings. The man who wrote to a newly 
wedded couple, *T pray both of you will never 
get mad at once," wrote more wisely than he 
knew. He indicated the rock on which thou- 
sands of domestic crafts are wrecked. If a 
woman can't laugh while her husband swears 
at her, she should keep still and he will soon 
see what a cowardly idiot he is. If a man 
can't whistle when his wife growls, he should 
remain silent and she will soon apologize for 
making a fool of herself. They may be too 
stubborn to acknowledge it, but the husbands 
or wives who have mad spells in the home al- 
ways feel like they wanted someone to kick 
them as soon as their reason returns. 

Thousands have spells of being religious. 
They attend church today that they may serve 
Satan tomorrow without being condemned. 
They wear a religious cloak on Sunday and 
prayer-meeting nights and lay them aside the 
rest of the week. Those who are Christians by 



76 Lecture on Spells 

spells hinder the good cause more than they 
advance it. The world points them out as 
samples of God's workers, and, regarding them 
as fair samples, scoffs at the cause of religion. 
If the churches could be cleared of those who 
are religious by spells there would be a fifty- 
per-cent reduction in Satan's business. Peri- 
odical Christians are a load on the "Gospel 
car." They ride while others pull; they ex- 
pect to go to Heaven on the good works of 
others. Thousands who claim to be Christians 
will never walk the "pearly streets" because 
none can be smuggled through the gate* All 
who go to Heaven have to work their way. 
Money will not buy tickets; complimentary 
passes to the New Jerusalem are never issued. 
Those who get to Heaven will not be accused 
of getting to the wrong place* 

Some have spells of trying to attend to the 
business of others. They poke their long, med- 
dlesome noses in where they have no ground 
to, and root like a hog hunting under the leaves 
for acorns. Some are too worthless to have 
business of their own, and some are too lazy 
to attend to the business they have. They 
would rather expend a pound of energy med- 
dling in the affairs of others than an ounce of 
enterprise in promoting their own interests. 
Such people are like the fice that barks at the 
heels of the St. Bernard— it is the only way 
they have of getting themselves noticed. 



Lecture on Leaders 77 



LECTURE ON LEADERS 

Leaders are good and bad. A bad leader is 
one who lets the ox fall in the ditch, and a 
good leader is one who keeps him on the bank. 
There has never been a time when both kinds 
did not want to make a record. The difference 
between them is that one knows he is a good 
leader and the other thinks he is. Some never 
realize what failures they are as leaders until 
they tumble into the ditch, ox and all. If they 
would be content to follow and let those lead 
who can, they might get somewhere without 
getting mud on their clothes. One of the sad- 
dest sights is to see a man trying to lead, when 
everyone knows his place is at the foot of the 
class. 

There are many kinds of leaders, among 
them leaders in politics, leaders in society, 
leaders in reforms, leaders in church and 
leaders in enterprises. The real political 
leaders are as scarce as honest politicians. 
Men who can judge where the people are 
headed for and get in the lead in that 
direction are few. The people cannot be driv- 
en. The real leader learns which way they 
want to go and then makes them believe he 
knew it before they did. 

The man who essays to be a great political 



78 Lecture on Leaders 

leader should have something under his hat 
besides wheels and a vacuum. He must have 
the right kind of brains, the right kind of 
ability and the right kind of sense, as well as 
truthfulness, honor and sobriety, if he suc- 
ceeds. The people will not long follow a 
drunkard or a fool. Washington was Ameri- 
ca's greatest leader. He had no wheels in his 
head or rotten spots on his character. He was 
the ablest and grandest leader that his coun- 
try has known. He knew the feelings of his 
people and led to where they wanted to go — 
to independence. 

Society has its leaders, those who pride 
themselves on being at the head of some "set." 
They strut about like peacocks on dress pa- 
rade, and admire their own tail feathers. Some 
people would rather be a leader in society than 
leader of a conquering army. The difference 
between a great general and a society leader 
is in the size and quality of the brain. The man 
who has brains sufficient to successfully lead 
any army, would rather be shot at than be a 
leader in society. 

Church leaders have more troubles than any 
others who lead, because the churches are so 
full of jealousy. A man that would not object 
to his neighbor being a political leader, stands 
on his hind feet and howls if the same neigh- 
bor is a leader in his church, though he knows 
somebody must lead if God successfully com- 



Lecture on Leaders 79 

bats with the Devil's forces. Often the church 
people who kick most on those who lead, are 
too lazy, too luke-warm or too something else 
to put their faces nearest Satan's hosts. The 
cause of Christianity would make more rapid 
progress if there were not so many in the 
churches who take a back seat and growl be- 
cause others try to push the Lord's work. If 
all the church members in the world would 
push forward in concert, the Devil would be 
completely routed before the setting of an- 
other sun. The Devil succeeds so well because 
many of his best workers are in the churches. 
Some churches have so many in them that pull 
back so hard that the wheels of the "Gospel 
car" are often at a standstill or go backward. 

Leaders in reforms always have their 
troubles. They bump up against the same 
class of kickers that church leaders do. They 
are called fools and cranks, and sometimes it 
is proven they are. Many reforms are hin- 
dered because fools get in the lead. The great 
hindrance to the temperance cause has been 
that it has had too many leaders who are so 
cranky and abusive that they have disgusted 
people who think. They brand everyone a fool 
who does not see as they do. The man who 
thinks he can convince others he is right by 
abuse ought to take a course in a feeble-minded 
institute. A leader is not a driver. A fool in 
front is as dangerous as an attack in the rear. 



80 Lecture on Leaders 

No reform movement was ever successfully 
led by those who did not have proper respect 
for the opinions of others. 

Leaders in enterprises get little thanks for 
the good they do a city or a community. They 
bear most of the burdens of the work and get 
all the kicks. Those who have no ability as 
leaders, or are too lazy to put in use what they 
have, sit on dry goods boxes or the fence and 
growl about what is being done. Too often 
those who have most money do most growling. 
Some who have neither money or ability think 
they are the chosen ones to head all enter- 
prises. Many enterprises fail because those 
who try to lead know too much ; they are too 
wise for this life, but don't realize it until they 
get to the end of it, and then lead to the ceme- 
tery. The only place where many who want 
to be leaders are fitted to lead is in their own 
funeral processions. 



Lecture on Society 81 



LECTURE ON SOCIETY 

There are two great classes of society : they 
are society and "fashionable society." The 
former is the good, old-fashioned kind that has 
existed since the world began to be. It is plain 
people, acting in a plain, common-sense way. 
There is no exclusiveness ; no desire to be con- 
sidered better than those not (un) lucky 
enough to be in the "set." Good, old-fashioned 
society is the health of a community ; it makes 
everybody feel at home — like all the world was 
a mansion filled with brothers and sisters. It 
puts its arm tenderly around the neck of the 
poor, the weak, the timid, the disconsolate, 
and says : "Come with me, we'll enjoy life to- 
gether." It scatters flowers along the path- 
way of the discouraged and says : "Cheer up, 
brother, life is what you make it. Don't make 
it a cemetery until your case is in the hands of 
the undertaker." Good, old-fashioned society 
is what God gave to the world, that His peo- 
ple might enjoy the best there is in life — the 
friendship of true friends. But in this, as 
in many other things, people have drifted away 
from God and God's ways and have gone into 
partnership with Satan. This is why there is 
"fashionable society" — a getting away from 
those who do not happen to be "blue-blooded" 

6 



82 Lecture on Society 

or possessed of wealth and a desire to spend 
it foolishly. What is called "fashionable so- 
ciety" is a curse to civilization. It builds a 
barrier between those who would otherwise be 
friends. It makes people put an ascending es- 
timate on themselves and a descending esti- 
mate on others. It throws a gauze of respect- 
ability around many whose hearts are corrupt 
and their souls blackened. Many who are lead- 
ers in modern society are without a white spot 
on their souls or a pure place in their hearts. 
If they were taking an examination before God 
for a standing in real society, they would fail 
to make the required per cent. 

Rustling silk, fine jewelry and gaudy plu- 
mage often make a woman seem respectable 
when she is not. Broadcloth often permits a 
villain to mingle among honest people unsus- 
pected. All members of modern society are 
not bankrupt of honesty and respectability, 
but those who do not want for it overlook 
it in those who are not of the "set," because 
to do otherwise might stir up a smell that 
would make the man in the moon hold his 
nose. 

Modern society has no place for the poor 
but honest, yet canines receive a warm wel- 
come. A poodle dog often sleeps in the parlor 
when a poor young man would be kicked out 
of a rear door, so it would not be known "so- 
ciety" had been disgraced by his presence. 



Lecture on Society 83 

Many women will slobber over a society poodle 
dog when they would not speak to a man who 
does not belong to the "select." There is lit- 
tle hope for a woman that can kiss the snoot 
of a dog. God pity the poor devil who has 
the misfortune to become the husband of such 
a creature. He may not die of hydrophobia, 
but he ought to, so he will not be in the dog's 
way. It is not encouraging for honest, plain 
men to know a dog finds a welcome in "so- 
ciety" when they are met with scorn. But they 
should remember all is for the best, and pity 
the dog. 

It is the chief ambition of many young men 
and young women to enter modern, fashiona- 
ble society. They would rather sit at the foot 
of kings and queens of society than be certain 
of places of honor in the New Jerusalem. 
Young people who essay to become stars in 
fashionable society are to be pitied. They 
imagine life's greatest demand on them is to 
try to look pretty, talk like a parrot and act 
like a fool. When they are over the line of 
exclusiveness they do not recognize their par- 
ents. Many young women shine in society, 
while their mothers take in washing. Many 
young men strut in broadcloth while their 
fathers flourish an axe for a dollar a day. Such 
young men and young women are a burden 
and a dishonor to those who gave them life. 

Hundreds are so busy fluttering in society 



84 Lecture on Home 

that they are seldom at home, and what should 
be the sw.eetest place on earth becomes cold 
and cheerless. Instead of the sunshine of love 
and inspiration of hope there is the chilliness of 
neglect and the iciness of forgetfulness. The 
larger cities are full of vacant homes, because 
the crazy demands of society must be met. 
Those who put society above home will soon 
be homeless. 



LECTURE ON HOME 

Home is the heaven or the hell of earth. It 
is a place of peace and joy and love or a place 
of sorrow, despair and hatred. Its influences 
are good or bad. It lifts mankind or it drags it 
down. It is the abode of angels or the stopping 
place of devils. It is a place of rest or a place 
of unrest; a place of peace or a place of war. 
It is, or should be, a place of refuge — a place 
free from the peeps and squints of a meddle- 
some world. 

Homes are of two classes — happy and un- 
happy. Happy homes — those where there are 
peace and joy and love — are Heaven's prepara- 
tories, but alas ! how few are they. God smiles 
when another is added to the list of happy 
homes. An angel chorus is heard in Heaven 
when an unhappy home becomes a happy one. 



Lecture on Home 85 

Humanity loves to linger in the home that is 
warmed by the inspiring rays of sunshine. 
Those who live in happy homes are not anxious 
to go to Heaven. Those who live in unhappy 
homes, do not care where they go or how soon 
they depart. They believe the location can- 
not be made worse. 

Homes are what the people make them with 
the help of two assistants — God and Satan. It 
is easy to get the assistance of either. If God 
does the helping, the home is what it ought to 
be — full of hope and happiness. If Satan as- 
sists, the home is what he wants it to be — a 
"hot place," the hotter, the more homelike to 
him and his fiends. Some people get so used to 
having the Devil in their homes that they feel 
lonesome if he is absent a spell. Many who 
reject God's offer to assist them in making 
their homes happy, welcome Satan and give 
him use of the best room in the house. 

Thousands of homes are little hells because 
the Devil has a ring in the nose of the head of 
the family and leads him about like a farmer 
does a prize bull. They boss their wives, 
abuse their children, are unkind to their friends 
and enjoy hearing sobs and seeing tears. Some 
brute husbands would rather hear their wives 
cry than hear an angel sing. They would 
rather see their life companions have a des- 
pondent look than a contented smile. There 
is no happiness, worth the name, in a home 



86 Lecture on Home 

that has a heartless, cruel and domineering 
husband, and the members of his family will 
never know what it is to enjoy life until the 
divorce lawyer gets a fee or they gather around 
the "vacant chair." Though always sad, there 
is sometimes joy in death. Some women sur- 
render all their happiness at the marriage al- 
tar, and have no further use for it until they 
begin wearing mourning for their dead hus- 
bands. 

Men are not the only ones that assist in 
making unhappy homes more numerous. Many 
wives are equally as zealous and industrious 
in driving sunshine from the home. Instead of 
trying to drive the clouds away, they make 
them thicker, lower and darker. If rightly 
applied, women seldom lack the power to make 
home happy. A fool wife never made an angel 
of a bad husband. A weak, patient little wo- 
man often can make the cruel, despotic hus- 
band ashamed that he is a cowardly fool with- 
out reason. Kindness and a smile will accom- 
plish more than a scowl and a sharp tongue. 
When kind words and smiles fail, someone 
should use a club. There is often more quiet- 
ing force in one tap of a club than in an hour's 
reasoning. 

Since home is what home folks make it each 
one should strive to make it a place where God 
would not be ashamed to stop over night — a 
place where Satan would not feel at home. A 



Lecture on Home 87 

little effort on the part of each one makes 
home a heaven. Wealth is not necessary to 
happiness. There is often less happiness in 
a stone mansion than in a log hut. There is 
only one brand of happiness, and that is as 
sw^et in a hovel as in a palace. How grand 
and how true are the words of John Howard 
Payne, the homeless wanderer, who said, "Be 
it ever so humble there is no place like home." 
Lack of wealth is often a source of happiness. 
Gold will not buy domestic sunshine. Many 
would gladly trade their millions for the happi- 
ness in a cabin home. Better wear calico and 
be queen of a happy home than wear laces 
and sit unhappily on a throne. If more people 
would strive as hard to make their homes 
happy as they do to get rich, there would be 
a larger population in Heaven. If there were 
no unhappy homes there would be fewer jails. 
The world would be what it should, but never 
will be, if the words of the poet were always 
true when he said : 

"A home, that paradise below 
Of sunshine, and of flowers, 

Where hallowed joys perennial flow 
By calm sequestered bowers." 



88 Lecture on Growling 



LECTURE ON GROWLING 

Growling is a disease of the mind. It does 
not affect the one who has it as much as it 
does those who don't have it. It cannot be 
cured by medicine ; travel or change of climate 
will not cause it to disappear. A club is about 
the only thing that will bring results. It clings 
to the mind — where there is a mind, and if 
there is no mind it clings to the place where 
the mind ought to be. It is as useless as it is 
possible for it to be, yet there has never been 
a time when it was not in use. It is a worth- 
less luxury ; a dangerous nothing that is killing 
something. 

A growler begins at any time and never 
knows when to quit. There are amateur 
growlers and professional (chronic) growlers. 
The former growls because the liver is dis- 
ordered or the brain troubled ; the latter growls 
to prevent having spasms or the colic. A 
chronic growler is more tiresome than hard 
work. Growling is killing, and no death is 
more horrible than being growled to death. 
To be the victim of a chronic growler is worse 
than being stabbed with a pitchfork. It will 
drive people to the asylum or the grave. 

Fools, dogs and cats are the greatest 
growlers, but they get much assistance. A 



Lecture on Growling 8^ 

dog growls because he is mad; a fool growls 
because he knows no better. Growling is 
sometimes contagious — it will often drive 
others to growl in self-defense. 

Growlers are found in all kinds of homes and 
in all classes of society. They are in the lodge 
and in the church ; in business and out of busi- 
ness. In the lodge someone is not satisfied 
with the way some other one rides the "goat," 
and growls. Somebody does not like the way 
the officers were elected, and must growl to 
get relief. Somebody else thinks the wrong 
ones got the offices and growls until the goat 
gives its tail an extra shake or nervously pulls 
its whiskers. If it is a woman lodge someone 
growls because the men are not members ; and 
if they are members somebody growls until 
the men feel like they wanted to say a little 
of the good deal they think. 

There are always a few good, strong indus- 
trious growlers in every church. They growl 
and growl until they think they really have 
cause for making fools of themselves. They 
are never satisfied with the way matters are 
conducted. The preacher gets too much pay 
or he don't do enough work. He does too 
much calling or he don't do enough. Sister 
Jones sings too high or Sister Smith's voice is 
too "squeaky." Brother Brown don't pray 
right or some other brother don't pray at all; 
and so on along the way. One busy growler 



90 Lecture on Growling 

in a church keeps the whole flock feeling 
uneasy. A sheep that is always bleating keeps 
the other sheep wondering what is the matter. 
If God were to select his followers, he would 
leave the grumblers to run with the goats. A 
church member that is never satisfied with 
what is done, and lets it be known, does more 
for Satan than for his Master. If all the growl- 
ing church members could be put into one 
church there would be more peace in all the 
other churches and God would win more vic- 
tories over Satan. 

Growlers are to be found in thousands of 
homes. In some homes there is one growler, 
two in some, and more in others. In some 
homes every member is a growler and when 
they all growl, the cats and dogs become dis- 
gusted and sneak away to hide. When a fam- 
ily of growlers join in a growling contest it 
sounds like three pairs of Tom cats were hold- 
ing an animated discussion on the wood shed. 

Some men are always complaining about 
what is done in their home. The cooking does 
not suit them ; the pictures are not hung in the 
right place or something does not suit their 
peculiar fancy. If they can think of nothing 
to growl about, they growl to keep in practice. 
A man who is always finding fault about some- 
thing in his home, would be as mad as a gored 
ox if his wife would find fault with his work. 
The man who wants to be boss in and out of 



Lecture on Growling 91 

his house, is that far a tyrant or a fool — maybe 
both. No woman can Hve in peace with a 
man who knows it all. 

Wives are too often growlers. Some of them 
growl a little, some more and some a whole 
lot. Some women growl so much that their 
husbands always wear a kind of a what-in-the- 
devil-next look. They always seem to be ex- 
pecting something to hit them when they are 
not looking. It is easy to pick out a man who 
lives with a growling woman ; he never speaks 
until he looks around to see if the coast is 
clear, and even if it is, he speaks like he is 
afraid it would cause trouble. Some women 
get up growling, growl all day and then don't 
complain of being tired, but their families do. 
The wife who is a chronic growler drives hap- 
piness out of the home faster than it can come 
in. Her perpetual growling chills the heart, 
freezes the current of love and crazes the brain. 
If a woman wants to drive her husband from 
home, there is no surer way than to growl. 
Many men go to war because they would 
rather be shot than "nagged to death." No 
man desires a lingering passage from this 
world to the next. 

Children are quick to learn what they hear ; 
and if they hear growling they will soon excel 
their teacher's (their parents) as growlers. 
They growl because they think what their 
parents do is right. They prove to them their 



92 Lecture on Economy 

ability to learn by giving them "as good as 
they send" when a growling contest is on. The 
child that growls at its parents when young 
will swear at them when older; and only its 
parents are to blame. 



LECTURE ON ECONOMY 

Economy is economy. It couldn't be any- 
thing else. It is only a proper use of good 
sense in conducting the affairs of life. All 
who have good sense do not use it when they 
should for their own good. Many are stran- 
gers to economy until driven into its presence 
by necessity. They never learn how to be 
saving until they have nothing left to save. 
After they have been lavish in the expenditure 
of money until it has vanished from their purse, 
they begin to try to be economical. But it is 
then so late in their years that they find it 
almost impossible to learn. If a man don't 
try to learn economy until he graduates in the 
want of it, he will not be an apt scholar. Old 
fools seldom learn in age what they should 
have learned in youth. 

Parents are too often to blame for their chil- 
dren knowing nothing about the value of 
money or the necessity of spending it 
usefully. Their children learn the lessons at 



Lecture on Economy 93 

the hearth-stone that make a success or a fail- 
ure in after years. If the results of economy 
are fully impressed upon their minds and in 
their hearts at the proper time, it is seldom 
they are forgotten or unheeded. The child 
that gets everything it wants and wants every- 
thing it sees, is not the one that reaps the fruits 
of economy. Boys and girls who grow up in 
a home where dollars go as if they were dimes 
will live to see a time when dimes will look as 
big as dollars. It is what a child is taught 
that makes it fit to become a true soldier or a 
bush whacker in the battle of life. If more 
parents would teach their children economy 
instead of having teachers try to crowd them 
full of Greek and Latin, there would be more 
useful citizens. A child so filled is like a 
foundered calf — it knows something is the 
matter, but don't know what it is. 

People often exercise as little sense as chil- 
dren in c-onducting their business and provid- 
ing for their homes. They buy things they 
don't need because a neighbor has them. As 
long as they have a dollar in the house they 
don't sleep well. It is a misery to them to 
know they have enough ahead to buy a sack 
of flour, and the flour will be the last thing 
they think of buying. 

While no one should think of becoming a 
miser, all should avoid being the opposite. If 
it comes to choosing between them, it is better 



94 Lecture on Economy 

to hold to the dollar so tightly that the eagle 
gets sick at the stomach rather than hold it 
so loosely that it flies away never to return. 
A sick eagle is better than no eagle. It is 
often said someone has more money than 
brains; when such is the case he soon has 
neither. 

Many men are financial wrecks because they 
have never practiced economy. They had 
plenty of money, and thought they would not 
live long enough to reach the last dollar in the 
pile. Like Oliver Goldsmith, the poet and 
historian, they have a "fly time" while their 
money lasts and then call on their relatives 
or friends for enough to start with again. They 
have fine turn-outs, fine homes, extravagantly 
furnished ; a lackey attends to every want ; the 
wife rustles in silk; the baby is smothered in 
costly dresses and the poodle sleeps on an im- 
ported rug in the parlor. To them the "con- 
tinued round of pleasure" seems to have no 
end; but it does, and they are left where they 
begun, unless the wealth was inherited. 

Children reared in luxury are usually as 
strange to economy as if it never existed. They 
have often grown up like weeds in a deserted 
pigpen — at random — and never learn the worth 
of a dollar because they never earned one. In 
youth they were not compelled to learn the 
value of money; they grow up without know- 
ing the well with most water in it is not always 



Lecture on Economy 95 

the last one to run dry. If they had, it would 
many times save them from humiliation. It 
is better to be poor and know the value of 
money than to be rich and not know its value. 
A boy with a pocket full of money, and the 
wheels in his head not properly regulated, is 
sure to run down when he least expects it. 

Thousands of men know as little of economy 
as they do of themselves. The study of their 
lives has been everything except what it should 
have been. They may be good at all kinds of 
games, but always "play into others' hands" 
because they don't know what is best for them- 
selves. If they did, they would know a dollar 
saved is better than a dollar earned. Money 
spent foolishly had as well never been earned. 
The use to which a dollar is often put com- 
pels the eagle thereon to hang its head in 
shame. 

Often men will spend their money not wise- 
ly, and then complain of hard times and stingy 
people. They are always hard up because they 
are "soft down." They will chew tobacco and 
drink whiskey even if their families go to bed 
hungry. The revenue tax never gets too high 
on "rotgut" for them to buy and gulp, whether 
they pay the butcher and grocer or not. Often 
a liquor bill is paid promptly when an account 
for necessaries must be lost or collected by 
law. Whiskey may be good enough in its 
place, but it should have no place in a man 



96 Lecture on Man 

who needs his money to keep his family from 
going hungry and poorly clad. If all men prac- 
ticed proper economy, thousands of homes 
that are veritable hells would be real heavens. 
Instead of the cloud of despondency, there 
would be the cheerful sunshine of happiness; 
the tired, patient and tearful wife would seem 
young again ; the children would sing instead 
of cry, and the family dog would not be driven 
to kill sheep to prevent starvation. 



LECTURE ON MAN 

Man is an animal. So is a mule. Both are 
kickers. There are no men among mules, 
but plenty of mules among men. A mule 
man is a natural kicker — one who has more 
activity in his **heels" than brains in his head. 
He was born to "kick" and does not feel well 
if he does not do what he was born to do. He 
was born when the sign was in the heels and 
does not know any better. This is why he is 
so often an object of pity. A man who is al- 
ways kicking ought to rent a stall for himself in 
a livery stable and send his friends "At Home'* 
cards. Some men do not knov/ as much as 
mules because they kick when there is noth- 
ing to kick at. This a mule never does. Byron 
said, "The world is a bundle of hay, and man- 



Lecture on Man 97 

kind are the mules who pull." Each of them 
tries to get the biggest wisp of hay, and some 
would gladly see others starve while they get 
all the hay. Mules are more generous than 
men. A number of them would stand quietly 
side by side at a haystack and eat till they 
were ready to quit for want of room ; but a row 
of men would be trying to crowd each other 
out of their places in trying to get more than 
their share. Men often exhibit less sense 
than mules. A mule is usually satisfied with 
what he gets, but man never is. He always 
wants one more wisp of hay. 

Man boasts that he stands at the head of the 
animal kingdom, but the position is not of suf- 
ficient importance that other animals envy him, 
not even the mule. While man is allowed to 
claim his position at the head of the class, he 
is scattered all along down the line to the tail. 
There are "mules," "cattle," "hogs," "hyenas," 
"skunks," "vultures," "buzzards," and so on 
down the line, until some are not even fit to be 
classed as tails of humanity. Human hogs are 
very common. Hyenas are less common but 
more dangerous on short acquaintance. And 
human skunks — who has not seen and smelt 
them? They are everyone "stinkers." They 
saturate all about them with their stout odor. 
There is no peace, no rest, no sweet smells 
where they are found. Nothing is too little or 
too low for them to do. No reputation is safe 

7 



98 Lecture on Man 

where they travel. Like the four-footed name- 
sake, they travel at night and can be traced by 
the odor of their evil work. The vicinity in- 
fested by these animals is never at ease. One 
human skunk can keep a whole neighborhood 
holding its nose. Vultures profit by the toil of 
others, and are very dangerous. Human buz- 
zards are always finding something "rotten," 
often where nothing is to be found. They are 
the self-selected scavengers of society, and are 
usually seen sitting on the fence or a limb in 
the vicinity of a scandal. Their work is to 
scatter rather than make disappear. 

Man was made first, and he thinks this fact 
makes him better than woman. This is per- 
haps the reason some men think woman ought 
to be bossed by man. Not a few men feel more 
important over being boss of a household 
than others do over being governor of a state. 
They regard their wives as their slaves and 
never miss an opportunity to humble them. A 
man who believes woman should be bossed by 
man needs the wheels in his head set to turn 
in the right direction. A man is a man only 
when he acts like a man should. When he 
assumes to be superior in authority of the 
woman who, in the sight of Heaven, took him 
to be a man, he has a soft spot above his ears. 
Yet there are thousands of men afflicted with 
this misfortune. They think their wives are 
capable of doing nothing but work. They will 



Lecture on Man 99 

not even trust them with a few dollars of the 
money they have helped to earn. They often 
will not trust them with money, but will loan 
money to those who do not save the money 
they earn, knowing its return is much in doubt. 
The man who cannot trust his companion with 
his money ought not to expect her to trust him 
with her love. Every woman is entitled to the 
full confidence of her husband until she has 
proven herself unworthy of it. 

For want of something better God made man 
of the dust, and he has had to "get up and 
dust" ever since he didn't have sense enough to 
hold his position in the Garden of Eden. He 
often thinks he could make a better world than 
he is in, but always neglects to make it, not 
even one for a sample. It is not new for man 
to think he can improve on God's work. Man 
is as full of conceit as Cupid is full of business. 
By the way, Cupid makes a fool of man as 
often as he tries, and he tries often. No man 
gets so smart that Cupid can't make him a fool. 
He knows all the weak spots in man, and 
knows which button to touch to make him 
most obedient. Men that are wise at all other 
times will let Cupid lead them by the nose until 
there is not room for them to back out. For 
one that knows his business and attends to it, 
the little god has no equal. If man would learn 
a lesson from him, he would seldom be a fail- 
ure in business. 



100 Lecture on Cowards 

Man is said to be "the noblest work of God," 
and he thinks he is, but can't prove it to the 
satisfaction of woman. She knows him too 
well. 



LECTURE ON COWARDS 

There are many kinds of cowards, among 
them moral cowards, religious cowards, sneak- 
ing cowards, unprincipled cowards, cowardly 
cowards and plain, unpretending cowards. It 
is not dishonorable to be the latter. No one 
should be censured because nature has failed to 
supply him with enough courage to put him out 
of the cowards' rank. They are more entitled 
to sympathy than censure. But those who do 
cowardly things cannot be censured or con- 
demned too strongly. The man who does 
cowardly acts is an enemy to society. The one 
who stealthily or under the guise of friend- 
ship does a wrong deserves the severest punish- 
ment, and there are other cowards that should 
share in the punishment that knows no mercy. 
The man who steals into the chamber in the 
stillness of the night and takes a life is a fiend 
that should never have been given birth. He 
is a sneaking coward, the king of villains. 

Next to the murderous coward, is the 
cowardly coward, the double coward, the one 



Lecture on Cowards 101 

who, while doing cowardly things does them 
from ambush, sneaking around in the mire of 
pure cussedness while he is shielded by an- 
other. The specialty of this class is attacking 
character. They seek to tear down that which 
they are not fortunate enough to have, clean, 
true, unassuming manhood. They take more 
pleasure in trying to ruin the good name of 
others than in making an effort for self-im- 
provement. Those who, through spite, jeal- 
ousy, disappointment or any other of the 
Devil's reasons, try to injure the good name of 
others, deserve more condemnation than they 
ever get. They are the guerrillas of society, 
shooting from ambush, changing positions of- 
ten to avoid detection* Such cowards are to be 
found in every community because Satan is too 
busy to take all his own to their home as fast 
as they ought to go; and if he were not busy 
he would not give room to all the cowardly 
cowards at once. If he did he would not be 
safe one minute, and might be driven from 
power to give place for an ambitious cowardly 
coward. No ruler of a kingdom knows his 
business better than the Devil. He always 
keeps everything in good working order and 
never trusts a sneaking coward or a thief in 
important positions. They never get above 
sawing wood and building fires. 

Moral cowards are those who have not the 
courage to resist evil. They are unable to re- 



102 Lecture on Cowards 

sist temptation, and are often lost because they 
did not have the courage to speak what the 
conscience dictated. Thousands have been 
lost to the better life because they said "Yes" 
when they should have said "No." One of 
God's richest gifts to man is the power to know 
when to say no and the courage to say it at 
the right time. It often requires as much 
courage to say yes as no. Many men have 
failed to become heroes because they did not 
have the courage to say: "Yes, I'll go and do 
my whole duty as God gives me the power to 
see it." Washington did not lack the courage 
to say yes when called to the command of a 
small army that must battle with the strong 
nation that came to destroy. Neither did he 
lack the courage to say yes when asked to ac- 
cept the chief office of his country, even though 
the future seemed dark and discouraging. But 
his courage was not one-sided. When asked 
to become king or to accept a third term as 
president he did not lack the courage to say 
no. No one but the wisest of statesmen, the 
bravest of generals and the greatest of Ameri- 
cans could have done such grand work for his 
country and his people. No man that has come 
after him had his courage and wisdom. 

Unprincipled cowards do cowardly things 
without cause. They may do so for money, 
through jealousy or envy or for selfish pur- 
poses. Love of money often causes men to be 



Lecture on Cowards 103 

the worst of cowards. Envious souls are never 
better at ease of mind than when doing some 
cowardly act. They glory in camping on the 
ruins of good character. Envy breeds cowardice 
in its worst form. The envious will be coward- 
ly without pay when they would be rewarded 
for being honorable. 

Religious cowards have their names on the 
church roll but never get any nearer the Lord. 
They enlist in His army but never fight. They 
get behind the nearest trees and stay there. 
If all who have enlisted with the Great Com- 
mander's forces were good soldiers Satan's 
army would be compelled to surrender without 
conditions. It is easy for those who want to 
get behind trees to find excuse for "taking to 
the woods." Sister Brown has too much to 
say, Sister Smith dresses too fine, or Sister 
Jones talks to the men too much or some other 
sister has been snubbed. Brother Wiseman 
was not consulted enough, Brother Dolittle had 
too much to do, or Brother Bring-up-the-Rear 
was not asked to lead when he was never 
known to be anywhere except behind. When 
a church member wants to pull back, he will 
lose sleep to find an excuse. The biggest re- 
ligious cowards find the most to kick about in 
the church. They see the faults of others and 
find themselves perfect. The Devil does not 
hang around a church where the flock works 
together in harmony. He is too wise to think 



104 Lecture on Going 

his cause can be advanced where there is no 
envy, no jealousy, no tatthng, no backbiting, 
no chronic fault finding. To always be hunting 
for some excuse to get behind a tree is coward- 
ly. A religious coward cannot be a good 
Christian. The Lord expects his soldiers to 
fight. 



LECTURE ON GOING 

Going is an innocent-looking little word. It 
seems as meek as a lamb and as shy as a bash- 
ful school girl. There is nothing in its looks to 
indicate it would do anything that would cause 
a heart to pang with sorrow or leap with joy. 
Yet there is. It represents motion, and mo- 
tion moves the world. The world is always 
going round, but never goes anywhere, ex- 
cept back to where it started and then starts 
on another round. It don't do anything new, 
but keeps doing. Like the man in the tread- 
mill, it cannot stop a minute, but must keep on 
going, even if it don't go anywhere. So much 
like man : he must keep going — keep moving 
on the treadmill of Time. There is no rest 
until the end ; and what a grand thing it is that 
the human family must keep going. Too much 
rest makes men miserable. Action is life, and 



Lecture on Going 105 

life is sweetened by action— when it is not the 
wrong kind of action. 

People are always going to do thousands of 
things they do not do, and not going to do 
things they do. Boys and girls often are go- 
ing to do things when grown that they never 
do. When older grown they still are going to 
do things that they forget about when they 
should remember. Girls are always going to 
marry the best men on earth, and boys are 
sure they will marry the best women on earth 
or anywhere else. "Alas for maiden, alas for 
judge.'* Most of them get as badly deceived 
as the one who bets on another's game. More 
people are fooled in getting married than by 
book agents. They are all sure they are going 
to get the best life partner, and most of them 
are afterward sure they got the worst blank 
in the box. Old maids and old bachelors are 
ever going to get married, but like unsalable 
goods at an auction there is too much "going- 
going-going" and too little "gone." 

Thousands of people are always going to do 
some act of charity, but put it off so long that 
their supply of charity is unbroken when they 
have to leave their business matters in the 
care of administrators. They don't even have 
executors because they were too long going 
to make a will. Those who are eternally going 
to do something, die going to do. It is better 
to do something wrong than do nothing. A 



106 Lecture on Going 

wrong can be corrected, but there is nothing 
of nothing to correct. 

Hundreds are always going to perform some 
noble act. They are going to help the poor, 
encourage the enterprising or discourage 
wrong. They put off helping the needy until 
they have gone to the poor house or to their 
final rest. Thousands starve to death while 
those who are able to help them are always 
going to do so. 

Many honest, enterprising young men and 
young women go to ruin because those who 
are going to help them to secure a position or 
an education, never do. They strive and strug- 
gle to get a firm foothold until their means and 
patience are exhausted and they give up in 
despair, when a few dollars and a few words of 
encouragement would have insured success and 
all that comes with it. The sin of always 
going to do something to help somebody, is 
often laid at the door of parents. They put 
off doing something for their children until the 
children tire of waiting and go among strangers 
to seek the encouragement they should find at 
home. The time to help young men or young 
women is when they are starting in life. One 
dollar then is worth ten later. Hundreds of 
noble young men are failures in life's work 
because their parents hoarded all their wealth 
until their boys had given up the struggle — 
sat down at the foot of the Hill of Success 



Lecture on Going 107 

resolved to try no more. At last when their 
ambition is gone ; the spirit of enterprise gone, 
death makes assistance possible, but too late. 
The time to help a worthy son is when he needs 
it— when he is leaving the foot of the hill. It 
may be too late when the administrator or 
executor does his work. Thousands of young 
men go to ruin annually while their parents are 
trying to spread over a few hundred acres of 
land, and are always going to help their boys. 

Many are "going to the devil" because they 
don't want to go anywhere else. They know a 
hot time awaits them in a place where there are 
no banks of snow, but they continue in their 
course. They do Satan's bidding willingly. 
They go straight along his ''broad highway" 
without taking any journeys on the cross- 
roads. They even make no effort to delay ar- 
riving at the destination until the weather gets 
cooler. They seem to be anxious to arrive in 
time to become a charter member in a new fire 
department. 

Some people are always going to Heaven — in 
their minds. They have much to say about the 
certainty to "be at home over there," but do 
little to convince those over here that they will 
be allowed to "walk the pearly streets." They 
seem to base their sureness of through and 
direct passage on the fact that they have their 
names on a church roll. They put on a long 
face on Sunday and bask in the Devil's smiles 



108 Lecture on Dates 

the rest of the week. Such people often loudly 
claim they are ever prepared to meet their God, 
yet if Death knocks at their door, they sneak 
under the bed and feign to not be at home. 
Hell is so full of such christians that Satan is 
going to enlarge his kingdom. 



LECTURE ON DATES 

There are several kinds of dates. Among 
them are dates that grow on trees, dates that 
go on letters, picnic dates, chautauqua dates, 
fair dates, and dates v^ith the **fair." Dates 
that grow on trees are good to eat; dates that 
go on letters are good — to leave off, sometimes ; 
fair dates are often good not to remember, and 
dates with the fair are often too good to be 
true. The poet has said something about 
'Mates that grow ripe beneath sunny skies." 
There are "dates" that may be said to grow 
riper beneath shady trees. It often happens 
that there are more dates made under the trees 
than grow on them. There are date palms, and 
there are dates that "take the palm," such as 
a 16-year-old girl having a date to meet a 32- 
year old man. Such dates are more common 
than they should be for the good of society. 
Young girls often know so much more than 
their parents that they would make a date with 



Lecture on Dates 109 

one old enough to be their grandfather. They 
are so very wise that it is impossible for them 
to learn except in the school of bitter ex- 
perience. They chew gum and read dime 
novels until they imagine the world was made 
for their particular benefit. They employ most 
of their time trying to look pretty. While their 
mother does the work, they paw the ivory, 
parade the streets or fill dates that should be 
left empty. A young girl that prefers the 
streets and the company of men many years 
her senior rather than the company of her 
parents, ought to be sent to a reform school. 
It is much better that she go there than to 
ruin. When her mind becomes filled with the 
thought that she knows more than those who 
gave her life, it is time she is made to realize 
what a conceited fool she is. No one can be 
blamed for doing what everybody knows ought 
to be done. 

But sometimes the parents are as much, or 
more, to blame than their young daughters for 
the dangerous path they travel. They think 
their girls are so smart that they would do 
them great injustice if they compel them to 
remain at home of nights and read good books 
rather than be out promenading with old bucks 
that have been making and filling dates so 
long that they don't remember when they were 
young. Many parents seem to exercise less 
good sense in looking after their young daugh- 



110 Lecture on Dates 

ters than they do in caring for their stock. If 
a hog or sheep was out of the pasture after 
night the owner would not sleep until it was 
returned to the pasture; yet this same owner 
would go to bed and sleep as peacefully as an 
angel when his trundle-bed daughter was out 
until late with — he knew not who nor where. 

No girl ever attains the highest degree of 
true womanhood unless she is raised right; and 
no girl is raised right unless her parents have 
good horse sense and use it in guiding their 
children in the way they ought to go. Parents 
can often prevent for themselves years of sor- 
row by a few months of proper discipline. If 
a child is properly raised and goes astray, the 
parents have consolation in knowing it is no 
fault of theirs. It is a pleasure for parents to 
know they have done all in their power to 
properly guide their children. 

Date making is not confined to young girls 
and old bucks. It is common as nouns that are 
not proper. It may be proper or improper. It 
is always plural though often singular. The 
gender is feminine and masculine, and in the 
objective case; object often matrimony. Old 
maids, old bachelors, old and young widows 
and widowers make dates. The homely and 
the handsome are not exempt ; likewise the 
wise and the feeble-minded. It is a favorite 
pastime of the feeble-minded. Often an old, 
}?Tizzled widower, with a cane in his hand and 



Lecture on Dates 111 

a ''kink in his back," will make a date with a 
young widow, who would rather marry what is 
left of a man, if he has a fortune, than what is 
left of a fortune with a man. Love of money 
often rules the heart when Cupid should pre- 
side. 

Date making seems to be the chief aim in 
life with thousands. They do not seem to 
enjoy life if they spend an evening at home. 
This class is not confined to the unmarried. 
Not a few men with bright, intelligent wives 
will be out riding or walking with the rapid 
wives of other men when they ought to be 
at home with the women they promised to love, 
cherish and honor. Instead of doing as they 
promised, they disgrace and dishonor them. 
God ought to strike dumb such men and 
women as fearful examples to others ; and yet 
if He did what a gang of dumb fools there 
would be. They would be found in every strata 
of society, and in no strata would they be found 
more numerous than in what is called the 
"upper strata." No part of society is rottener 
than where is made the greatest pretense to 
perfection. Often society women, who elevate 
the proboscis at an unfortunate servant, are a 
disgrace to home and husband. Their date 
card is always full, and they are seldom where 
they ought to be. If all the doings of society 
were made known to the world, suicides would 
be so numerous that the undertakers would not 
have time to eat or sleep. 



112 Lecture on Estimation 



LECTURE ON ESTIMATION 

Personal estimation is what people think of 
themselves or what they think of each other. 
Each one does, or should, place an estimation 
on himself, not contrary to himself and his 
ability. Every man should judge himself as 
he would have others judge him, fairly and 
impartially. The estimate should be too low 
rather than too high. If he places the estimate 
on himself above high-water mark, often he is 
compelled to wonder why the tide never 
reaches the line he has drawn. No estimate 
can be suitable for all times and under all 
circumstances. All persons have their best 
days. There are times when they are capable 
of greater achievements than at other times. 
No one can be rightfully judged by a single act. 
Like the sun on a clear day, a life shines bright- 
est when it is not clouded. A man is capable of 
greater deeds when all goes well with him. 
People do not always show the same wisdom, 
ability, or religious fervor. They have their 
spring freshets and their low ebbs. Some- 
times they are bank full of good thoughts or 
good deeds, and at other times the stream 
scarcely flows, resembling a small creek in dry 
weather. There are many who do not have 
enough spring freshets to wash the channels 



Lecture on Estimation 113 

out; after awhile the flow stops, and there is 
stagnation. The streams of many lives have 
been at rest so long there is a green scum on 
them. 

Many place such high estimation on them- 
selves that others cannot agree with them 
without ruining their consciences. A man with 
a "staked-and-ridered" estimate of himself is 
like a small dog chasing a rabbit in high grass 
— only the noise he makes marks his location. 
Those who have most brains are most likely 
to estimate themselves too low than too high. 
The brain is the governor of the human ma- 
chine. It prevents the steam from getting too 
high, and causing an explosion. If the gover- 
nor is the right kind there is no danger. Some 
people have no governors and run too slow or 
too fast. Others have no steam gauge, and the 
steam is constantly escaping. Few human ma- 
chines are perfect. There are few of them that 
do not need attention, and but few of them 
are wise enough to acknowledge their inability 
to always do what is best. 

Over-estimation of self is one of the great 
misfortunes that comes to humanity. It wrecks 
the lives of thousands of young men and young 
women. When a boy begins to feel that he 
knows all that there is to be learned, he begins 
to go backward and don't realize what is the 
matter until he strikes something solid. Chil- 
dren who think they know more than their 

8 



114 Lecture on Estimation 

parents are deserving of pity. In their own 
estimation they are so wise that it makes them 
fools of the first order. A child that knows too 
much to accept advice from its parents is sure 
to get into trouble, and have to call on the 
parents for assistance in getting out of it. Many 
boys go to jail because they think they know 
more than their parent?s. Hundreds of boys 
have left this world at the end of a rope be- 
cause they did not heed parental advice. Many 
homes are clouded in sorrow because daugh- 
ters thought they knew more than their 
mothers. Many young women are caring for 
bastards because they placed too high an esti- 
mate on themselves and too low an estimate on 
the words of those who gave them life. One 
"smart" boy or girl often shrouds a home in 
sorrow or drapes it in mourning. The home 
with the most sorrow is too often the one where 
the children heed least the advice of their 
parents. One such child can bring home enough 
sorrow to drive out all the happiness brought 
home by the rest of the family. 

Many place a wrong social, moral or re- 
ligious estimate on themselves. They think 
themselves a little better than others, and show 
what they think in their peculiar walk and the 
elevation of their smellers. There are few peo- 
ple they condescend to be social with. They 
are angels without harps or wings, and little 
prospect of ever getting them. Some place 



Lecture on Wife Choosing 115 

such a high estimate on their stock of religion 
that it makes them think they are so far above 
others rehgiously that God can easily catch 
them by the hair and yank them into Heaven. 
Some, v^lio are good, place such a low estimate 
on themselves that they scarcely can keep out 
of the reach of Satan. Lack of proper self-esti- 
mation is almost as dangerous as over-estima- 
tion. The Devil often overtakes people who 
don't know how good they are. To rightly 
estimate ability of self is a gift that is worth 
more than riches. The man who knows him- 
self knows that which is of most importance to 
him. The man who does not know himself 
seldom succeeds, 



LECTURE ON WIFE CHOOSING 

Choosing a wife is easy. Every man thinks 
he can pick out "the best woman on earth," 
and when she has consented to his picking he 
is happier than an angel. Sometimes his happi- 
ness continues and sometimes it ceases sudden- 
ly. If he choose wisely he continues to feel like 
he had wings; but if he chose unwisely, as 
many do, he soon feels like his wings had 
dropped off and his tail feathers fallen out. 
He feels like a whipped rooster on a warm day. 
The man who gets a wife worse than himself 



116 Lecture on Wife Choosing 

deserves pity, if he amounts to anything. Some 
men are so mean that they never get wives 
worse than themselves. Most men try to get 
wives better than they are, and many of them 
succeed. God never intended that a good 
woman should become the wife of a bad man, 
but they often do. Hogs sometimes pick up 
pearls. 

If men would always use good sense in 
choosing wives there would be fewer cases in 
court. Marriage is a success or a failure in pro- 
portion to the lack of wisdom employed in 
selecting life partners. If a man marries for 
money he is a fool; if he marries for 
beauty he is a bigger fool; if he marries for 
anything except love, and love alone, he is the 
biggest of fools. As long as men marry money, 
a beautiful face or golden tresses there will be 
trouble at the fire-side. 

In selecting wives some men seem to shut 
their eyes and grab. They get wives that are 
no more suited for them in intelligence, tem- 
perament and raising than a lion is as com- 
pany for a sheep. This is because they know 
nothing about what they ought to know most 
about — ^human nature. People do not study 
it because they think they know all about it. 
Men will give years to preparation for a busi- 
ness life and not an hour to the study of man- 
kind that they may select intelligently the one 
that is to make them happy or miserable. A 



Lecture on Wife Choosing 117 

man may be a great thinker, a great writer, a 
great philosopher or a great anything else and 
yet be a great fool when it comes to choosing a 
wife. The hod carrier often shows greater wis- 
dom than the statesman in selecting a wife. 
The tramp may choose a companion more 
wisely than a millionaire. With all his wisdom 
Socrates blundered in selecting a wife. Wealthy 
men often learn by bitter experience that it is 
easier to get rich than to get happiness by mar- 
riage. The man who buys a woman's love 
bargains for trouble. 

The mistakes of men in selecting wives are 
never so numerous or so big that others do not 
continually make similar mistakes. They do 
not profit by the mistakes of each other. Men 
have blundered into matrimony for thousands 
of years and they are still blundering. Instead 
of looking well they go it blindly. The men of 
today, in spite of the awful blunders of millions 
who have gone before, know no more about 
choosing wives than those who lived in the year 
one. While they have improved on every- 
thing else they go on selecting life companions 
in the old way — as it happens. 

Since the world began all men have been 
particular in selecting horses or cattle, but at 
no time have they all been so particular in 
selecting wives. They pass by an animal with 
a bad eye or a bad nature and will take to 
wife the first woman that is willing to be 



118 Lecture on Wife Choosing 

taken. They must know all about the horse's 
pedigree, and will take a wife without asking a 
question, except the one they want answered in 
the affirmative. Often men who wouldn't buy 
a horse except one wide between the eyes will 
marry a woman that is "narrow between the 
eyes." They would not buy a horse that does 
not have a pleasant eye and a sensible look, but 
will take a wife with a dangerous eye and a 
look that would make a dog crawl under the 
house. This lack of good judgment may be 
understood when it is considered the horse is 
bought and the woman given away. People 
are always more particular about that which 
they pay for than that which is a gift. If 
women are not valued as high as horses, it i; 
not man's fault. If men always used as much 
good judgment in choosing wives as they do in 
selecting horses, fewer marriages would be 
failures. Too many men think more of a horse 
or a fat steer than they do of a woman, before 
or after marriage. 

Some do not have the privilege of selecting 
their own wives. Parents often select com- 
panions for their sons. When this is done, 
wealth, education, old acquaintance, social 
standing or something else less important than 
love is considered. Parents who insist on 
choosing wives for their sons, are beckoning 
sorrow to their door. If a young man is not 
capable of selecting a wife, he ought to be in a 



Lecture on Wife Choosing 119 

feeble-minded institution. If parents would 
teach their sons how to select wives instead 
of selecting for them, they would not so often 
wreck their happiness. A man had better have 
others eat his meals than select a wife for him. 

Like many other things that went without 
change for eighteen hundred years, choosing 
wives is taking on reform, and may soon be at- 
tended with fewer dangers of mistake. Re- 
cently an Indiana widower advertised for a 
wife, and after three hundred answers came, 
notified those whose answers suited him most 
to meet him at Indianapolis and he would de- 
cide which one he would choose. This plan 
is similar to that of a horse buyer, and may 
soon be common. Then wives will be selected 
as horses are. Their teeth will be examined 
as to age; their eyes as to gentleness, vicious- 
ness or defectiveness; they will be trotted to 
test their wind, and, even as a gift, they will 
not be taken unless they prove to be just what 
is wanted. It will then not be uncommon for 
husbands to speak of their wives as having a 
"good mouth," "good wind," "good eyes," "fine 
head," "kind disposition," "good style, and 
action;" they will be "gentle," "sure footed," 
"not afraid of cars or automobiles," "16 hands 
high," "16 years old," "in good condition," 
"right in every way," "goes any gait," "never 
tires," "no road is too long for her," "works 
well in any harness," and "is a beauty." 



120 Lecture on Husband Choosing 



LECTURE ON HUSBAND CHOOSING 

All women think they know how to choose a 
husband. To them it is something too easy 
to require more than a passing thought. If 
there is any one thing a woman is more certain 
of than she is of all other things it is how to 
select a life partner — a man she can pat under 
the chin and call her own. It is seldom she is 
guided by any studied or recommended rule. 
She turns the whole matter over to Cupid, and 
waits for the hackman to drive up and dump 
at the front gate the man who is to become a 
boarder or a landlord. If he has enough hustle 
to be a landlord she will not have to take in 
sewing or washing to provide for him and the 
rest of the family. But if Cupid sends a boarder 
she begins to rub her eyes — and the washboard 
— and wonders if it is her or the little god 
that is blind. She then realizes that choosing 
a husband is the most important act of a 
woman's life ; and that in the great matrimonial 
lottery it is easier to draw a blank than a prize. 
She then realizes that trousers may be full 
without being a real man in them. 

Before marriage every woman is sure she is 
to become the wife of the best man alive or 
dead, and wouldn't exchange him for all the 
world. Sometimes she has no cause to change 



Lecture on Husband Choosing 121 

her mind, but too often she learns how badly 
she was mistaken ; would gladly trade him for 
a little corner of the world, and throw in his old 
clothes. Sometimes she finds a woman who is 
fool enough to take him off her hands, and 
sometimes she has to try to love, cherish and 
honor him until death or divorce makes her 
free again. If women would always use less 
haste and more sense in choosing husbands 
fewer of them would wish they were widows. 
Too much haste and too little sense in mar- 
riage is why so many women have men and 
not husbands. A man is a man; a real hus- 
band is an angel without wings. Husbands as 
God intended they should be, are as scarce as 
Diogenes thought honest men to be. Yet 
women will become so anxious to marry that 
they will almost shut their eyes and grab as the 
throng of eligibles pass. No matter what kind 
of specimens they get hold of they will hold 
on in fear that if they let go the supply will be 
exhausted before they can make other catches. 
A woman hates to acknowledge she makes a 
mistake in choosing a life partner, but if she 
does she means it and more too. 

If women would always fall in love with the 
man instead of with his eyes, his mustache, his 
clothes, his form or his feet, there would be 
fewer of them go blundering to the marriage 
altar. If they are inclined to be blinded they 
should open wide their eyes and look at the 



122 Lecture on Husband Choosing 

man as he Is, not as he seems to be. Every- 
man talks as he is; acts as he is; Hves as he 
is. If he is kind to his mother and sisters he 
will be kind to his wife; if he abuses them he 
will beat his wife. If he smokes in the pres- 
ence of his sweetheart he will have less respect 
for her as his wife. If he is a drunkard as a 
lover, he will go to bed with his boots on as a 
husband. If he is jealous before marriage, he 
will be more so afterward. If he wants to boss 
as a lover, he will be a tyrant as a husband. 
If he is too stingy to buy ice cream for his 
sweetheart, he will expect his wife to wear a 
calico dress to church, and will growl like a 
mad bear if she wants to spend some of the 
money she has helped to earn. 

Some women choose a husband like they 
meant it, and some choose at random, taking 
the first one that comes their way, and decid- 
ing afterward whether they meant it or not. 
Others are so hard to please that they pass 
many good chances and then grab some one 
that has been on the market so long that he is 
shelf-worn and has a forgotten smell. When 
a woman accepts a relic of whom all the old 
maids in the surrounding country can truth- 
fully say, "I could have had him if I had wanted 
him," she might as well be dead or apply for a 
divorce. She will always feel like she has 
been arrested for stealing nothing. 

It is not strange that many women are ask- 



Lecture on Husband Choosing 123 

ing the price of divorces ere the sound of the 
wedding bells has died away. Their whole 
study is how to attract men, giving no time 
to the study of men. They will be two weeks 
in selecting a hat or a dress and choose a hus- 
band almost on sight. They will not have a 
dress until they know just what kind of ma- 
terial is in it, and will accept as a life partner 
a man whom they have known only a few 
days or weeks. Their acts indicate they think 
it more essential to know the kind of material 
in a dress than to know the kind of material in 
a husband. The woman who considers mar- 
riage lightly is almost certain to have a heavy 
weight about her neck. Often women who 
rush into matrimony while young, lest they 
become old maids, learn, when it is too late, 
that it is much better to be an old maid than a 
young fool. The woman who takes the first 
man she finds on the counter is surprised to 
learn there are hundreds of more desirable ones 
on the shelves willing to be chosen. The best 
goods are not stored on the counter. Men who 
would be the best husbands are usually least 
anxious to marry. 



124 Lecture on Fault Finding 



LECTURE ON FAULT FINDING 

It is natural to find fault, but more natural 
with some than with others. Some find fault 
occasionally, some frequently and some eternal- 
ly. Some would rather find fault than find 
money. There is always something that does 
not suit them. If they were suited one week 
they would never cease complaining about the 
loss of time. 

Finding fault begins at the cradle and ends 
with life. Before it can talk the infant makes 
plain it is not suited in a way that does not 
admit of doubt of meaning. The child that is 
a fault finder before it can talk, will be no less 
one when it can talk. As its age increases its 
fault finding becomes more systematic until it 
becomes an expert long before it is grown. 
Many children soon learn to find fault with 
their parents because they do not do things to 
suit them. It is not unusual that children think 
they are much wiser than their parents. Often 
a child ten years old feels sorry that its parents 
know so little. When a child becomes very 
wise so early in life its parents will soon have 
to ask their smart descendant when and how 
they should do things. They can do nothing 
to suit it. They don't talk right; they don't 
walk right; they don't eat right; they don't 



Lecture on Fault Finding 125 

sleep right ; they don't do anything right unless 
it is to allow their wise son or daughter to have 
full sway. It is the children that think they 
are so much wiser than their parents that soon- 
est go to ruin. A child who believes it can 
learn from its parents is in no great danger of 
going down instead of up hill. Assumed wis- 
dom destroys almost as many lives of young 
people as novels, tobacco and whiskey. It is 
a weight to drag them down. 

Fault finding often breaks up happy homes. 
When the husband and wife or both find fault 
with each other the happiness of the home is 
in danger. A husband who is always com- 
plaining drives his wife to desperation. No 
woman will long be patient under complaint of 
what she is or does. If a man has good sense 
and knows how to use it he will not find fault 
with his wife. If she finds fault with him he 
should whistle or keep still. It does not matter 
how still he keeps or how loud he whistles. It 
will have the same effect to whistle "There is 
a Land Fairer than This" or "I'll soon Be at 
Home Over There." It may be a little incon- 
venient for a man to whistle when he feels 
like swearing, but it is easier and much safer 
than trying to keep even. When a woman is 
always finding fault with her husband he 
should consider what a great relief it is to his 
neighbors; it will come their time after a 
while, then he can rest. A chronic fault finder 



126 Lecture on Fault Finding 

is one of nature's curiosities and ought to be 
tolerated. 

Churches have more fault finders than are 
anywhere in an equal number. They find fault 
with everybody and everything. The preacher 
does not suit; he is too friendly or not friendly 
enough. If he wears a long face and Prince 
Albert coat, he is too proud and thinks him- 
self better than common people. If he jokes 
and wears a sack coat "he is too gay and lacks 
dignity." The choir don't sing the right kind 
of songs, and the leader don't know his busi- 
ness. Sister Jones talks too much to the men 
or Sister Smith is not friendly enough. Brother 
Jones prays the same old prayer he used to, or 
Brother Smith don't pray at all. The janitor 
keeps the room too hot or not hot enough, and 
so on till the church is in a turmoil and the 
Devil moves in to help complete the work being 
done in his behalf. The more fault finding 
there is in a church the better Satan is pleased. 
When he finds a church with many fault finders 
he has little fear of it making strong resistance 
to the progress of his work. 

Members of the church who find the most 
fault are usually those who do the least work 
in the vineyard. They are so busy complain- 
ing that they don't have time to work. They 
help Satan more than his hired assistants, and 
their only reward is the satisfaction of knowing 
they pulled back, which is something any mule 



Lecture on Which 127 

can do. The church that makes best progress 
puts the fault finders in front of the gospel car 
and pushes it over them. 



LECTURE ON WHICH 

It has long been in doubt as to which is 
which, whether Satan is the Devil or the Devil 
is Satan ; whether both are which or which is 
the whicher, and if one is whicher which one is 
the whicher, or is one more whicher than the 
other; therefore, which is which? 

Satan is the Devil dressed in his Sunday- 
clothes. He is Dr. Jekyl while the Devil is Mr. 
Hyde. They are both one, but it is some- 
times difficult to tell which one. Each has his 
work to do and he does it. Satan wears broad- 
cloth and the Devil wears jeans. Satan makes 
his home in purgatory and moves in good 
society; the Devil lives in Hell and moves 
every time it gets too hot for him. Satan is 
welcomed to the parlor ; the Devil is at home in 
the saloon and worse places. Satan looks 
through lace curtains while the Devil is too 
drunk to see. They understand each perfectly. 
Satan tends to his business and the Devil tends 
to his business. Dr. Jeykl knows what Mr. 
Hyde is going to do and Mr. Hyde knows what 
Dr. Jeykl is going to do. Both are experts in 



128 Lecture on Which 

their work, and are always busy. They are 
progressive; they move as the world moves. 
They employ up-to-date methods in getting 
converts or adding to their long list of victims. 
While some of the old ways are used in drag- 
ging people down from the paths of honesty, 
manhood and virtue, there are many new ones 
in use. Satan goes into the gilded parlor and 
tempts the jeweled queen of society or the dia- 
monded young man to follow where he leads. 
They play "progressive eucher," "ping pong" 
or some less creditable pong, and drink of 
costly wines until Satan smiles a good deal 
and is most happy. While this scene is being 
seen, the Devil leads an intended victim to a 
"back room" or a brothel where less fashion- 
able games are played and the poorest of whis- 
key is the drink. There they are put on the 
fastest train to Hell and all the brakes are 
thrown off. Wine is Satan's favorite drink and 
"rot gut" whiskey the Devil's choice beverage. 
They always drink to the health of their fol- 
lowers. 

The twain are always industrious and are 
often overworked, though they have much 
hired help, and are constantly adding to their 
force. One of the secrets of their success is 
that they are always at work, and give employ- 
ment to everyone seeking it. They never turn 
away one who wants something to do, no mat- 
ter whether they want to work eight or sixteen 



Lecture on Which 129 

hours a day. They never put a limit on the 
hours of those wilHng to serve them. Often 
the one who seeks honorable employment of 
honorable people is refused and then goes 
straight to the devil and gets a job. Church 
people often drive others to ruin by refusing or 
neglecting to do what they can for them. 
Everyone is going somewhere and people us- 
ually go where there is the most inducement. 
Thousands of boys take the downward path 
because Satan makes them feel welcome. They 
are not snubbed or made to feel that their room 
is needed for others. They get the best the 
place affords. The Devil always has a warm 
place in his heart and his home for callers, 
while the churches and the hearts of church 
people are often cheerless and cold to all not 
in the circle. 

Satan is never better pleased than when he 
can induce a church member to find fault with 
the preacher or some other mortal who is trying 
to do the best he can. If Satan could be kept 
out of the churches, Hell would not need to be 
so large. Satan induces some people to go into 
the churches because they can serve him better 
there than they can out of them. Satan always 
reserves front rooms for those who are in the 
church to help their business or for political 
reasons. He knows they will be home by and 
by. The man who uses the church for a cloak 
will go where extra wraps are not needed. The 

9 



130 Lecture on Boys 

Devil gathers in more converts than Satan 
but he don't bag such big game. While the 
former is stringing suckers and mud cats, the 
latter is landing pike and perch. Both are suc- 
cessful anglers. They catch some by baiting 
with money, others by baiting with office and 
some by baiting with anything that looks en- 
ticing. People are so full of the desire for 
wealth or honor that thousands of them would 
rather have either than a through ticket to the 
New Jerusalem. 



LECTURE ON BOYS 

There are two great classes of boys — good 
and bad. The good are good, better, best ; the 
bad are bad, worse, worst. Good boys are 
fewer than they ought to be ; bad boys are more 
numerous than they should be. Both grow up ; 
the former go upward and the latter go down- 
ward. Good boys seldom become bad men, 
and bad boys seldom become good men. Good 
boys are raised and bad boys usually grow up 
like a weed in a hog lot. Good boys are a joy 
to their parents ; bad boys fill the hearts of their 
parents with sorrow. Bad boys sometimes be- 
come good, but thousands of them join the 
Devil's forces and serve him till they are 
mustered out of service. Bad boys become 



Lecture on Boys 131 

worse by association, by idleness, and by read- 
ing dime novels. When a boy begins reading 
the accursed stuff found between the yellow 
covers of novels, he is lost unless his eyes can 
be opened to the danger of reading the lies 
that are the children of diseased brains. Every 
day men are dying at the end of ropes whose 
downfall can be traced to the reading of 
Satan's literature — novels. The lives of the 
great bandits and their fate are enough to make 
every boy turn away from dime novels, and 
parents pray that the authors of the vile stuff, 
lit only to kindle the fires of Hell, be damned. 

Some boys do not think they are manly un- 
less they do not obey their parents, and dis- 
grace themselves by calling them "old man" 
and "old woman." They are kind to every- 
one except those who gave them life. Such 
boys are little fools, and the parents who will 
submit to their impudence and lack of sense, 
are big fools. No father should allow an over- 
smart son to rule him. When a boy has not 
enough respect for his parents to treat them 
with common decency, he will seldom make a 
good citizen. A boy without filial love is like 
an angel without wings. All good men were 
dutiful sons. 

Many boys do not feel the thrill of manhood 
until they chew tobacco and smoke cigarettes 
or cigars. They can feel themselves grow as 
they squirt tobacco juice or blow out a puff 



132 Lecture on Boys 

of smoke. They never feel bigger, not except- 
ing the first time they escorted a girl home, 
than when pushing a cigar ahead of them or 
making a rainbow of amber. God pity the 
mother whose young son smokes and chews. 
God pity the father who will allow his young 
son to do these things. God pity the parents 
who are eternally raving about the accursed- 
ness of whiskey and allow their sons to chew 
and smoke without an attempt to prevent a 
habit that creates a desire for strong drink. If 
half the effort against the sale of liquor was 
directed against the use of tobacco, there would 
be fewer saloons, fewer drunkards, fewer peo- 
ple tumbling headlong into perdition. No true 
temperance lecturer will lodge a quid of tobac- 
co in the corner of his mouth while he con- 
demns whiskey. Few, if any, who drink to 
excess do not use tobacco. There is more than 
one way to save boys from ruin. 

Boys are samples of what men are made of. 
If the sample is right, the man will be right; 
if the sample is wrong, the man will not be 
right. If a boy is what he ought to be the 
world will know where to look for him when 
he becomes a man. If he is honest, truthful 
and industrious he will not be found along the 
down-grade end of the path of life as he grows 
in years. Such a boy obeys his parents, seeks 
knowledge and has an ambition to be more than 
a cipher. He spurns the company of boys 



Lecture on Boys 133 

whose words and acts degrade, and seeks the 
company of those whose Hves upHft. When 
grown to manhood he is found among those 
who are useful to mankind. That there are so 
many men who amount to Httle is because 
there have been too many boys who amounted 
to nothing. Lazy, worthless boys are not the 
ones that become men of whom the world is 
proud. They are not the ones that lead in 
great enterprises. There would be more use- 
ful men if there were fewer boys who think 
they are wise before they are a little more 
than half a score years old. They know all 
that is to be known so early in life that there 
is no room for improvement as years are added 
to their lives. They will not heed the advice of 
their parents nor listen to the admonition of 
friends. Many boys are so wise at twelve or 
fifteen years that it is not possible for them 
to learn anything. Boys who *'know It all" are 
the most ignorant when grown to manhood. 
Swelled up by the conceit of youth they drift 
along in the tide of their self-estimation until 
its receding waters, forced back by the stern 
experience of manhood, leaves them adrift in 
the marshy abode of withered conceit. The 
boy who thinks he has knowledge to spare will 
feel the lack of it when he becomes a man. 

The boys who are pushing to the front, fill- 
ing places of honor and trust, are truthful, 
honest, industrious and sober. The boy who 



134 Lecture on Girls 

uses tobacco is seldom free from the ruinous 
effects of strong drink, and no one is willing to 
trust his work to those whose brains are not 
at all times clear. The boys who do not re- 
spect and obey their parents are not the ones 
who are ascending highest on the ladder of 
fame. Boys who succeed deserve success. Boys 
who loaf about the streets while others remain 
at home of nights and read useful books wonder 
why they are passed by when positions are to 
be filled. Those who waste time in youth al- 
ways wish they could live their lives over. 
Those who do not gather roses in the spring- 
time of life are glad to get dandelion bouquets 
when they are farther down the road. 



LECTURE ON GIRLS 

There are three kinds of girls : Good girls, 
bad girls and girls. Good girls have no limit 
in their value to the world, and bad girls have 
no limit to their lack of value. Good girls are 
the "salt of the earth" and most of the best 
sugar. Bad girls are the rotten spots on the 
fair name of young womanhood. Girls that are 
neither good nor bad are as likely to go down 
as up stream. They are at the mercy of the 
wind. 

Good girls have enough sense to know they 



Lecture on Girls 135 

do not know all that is to be known. They like 
to be at home and assist their mothers with 
their work. No place has so many charms for 
them as the old home. It is a heaven to them 
and they are angels to it. Girls that are not in 
love with home need the sympathy of all their 
friends. They are in danger of drifting to the 
wrong bank of the Stream of Life and become 
lost in some of the whirlpools of evil that num- 
ber their victims by the hundred. 

It is the girls that love home and mother and 
grow up under their blessed influences that are 
sought by level-headed men for wives. They 
are the jewels that bedeck womanhood and 
make it God's richest blessing to man. With- 
out them hope would be dimmed and the 
future become as a cloudy day. 

Girls that are taught to help their mothers 
make the useful women. They are worth 
something to the world. They do not grow up 
as weeds along a lazy man's fence, and hide 
from view the useful crop in the field. The 
time is almost here when a girl that can sew, 
knit, cook and in other ways be useful is a 
curiosity. In these days of learning to dance, 
vieing for leadership in clubs and in dress, 
parading the streets, pawing ivory, chewing 
gum, reading novels and entertaining young 
men every night in the week, girls that become 
fit for wives are so scarce that old bachelors are 
becoming more numerous. Blanks in the matri- 



136 Lecture on Girls 

monial lottery are so plenty that many men 
are afraid to **try their luck" lest they draAV a 
full-grown "doll," or a life-size "butterfly." A 
girl that cannot rise above chewing gum, read- 
ing novels and being seen on the streets seven- 
teen times a day, ought to take a course at a 
feeble-minded institute before she consents to 
make some man miserable for life. Yet this 
class of young girls are often snapped up for 
wives as readily as Polled-Angus heifers are 
eagerly taken at a public sale. Such cattle are 
usually worth what they cost, but such girls 
are too dear even as a gift. 

It is no wonder so many girls are so useless, 
except as ornaments. Almost as soon as they 
are big enough to toddle they are pushed into 
society. They have beaux before they put 
aside short dresses. They are at parties, out 
walking or riding when they ought to be hold- 
ing trundle beds down. It is a mystery why 
many very young girls are often given so much 
latitude by their parents while their dogs are 
kept tied up. Parents could often be spared 
from lasting sorrow and the home from the 
darkest disgrace by turning the dogs loose and 
keeping the girls at the fireside, tied if neces- 
sary. When girls learn there is no limit to the 
rope that should keep them near their parents 
and in the heavenly sunshine of home, they are 
soon so much smarter than those who gave 
them life that nothing less than a good, hard 



Lecture on Girls 137 

bump against a brick wall will knock the con- 
ceit and impudence out of them ; and the sooner 
they get the bump the better the chance for 
them making useful women. 

Girls who think they know more than their 
mothers are too plenty for the good of society. 
Usually when girls get to having beaux, they 
soon think they are so much wiser than their 
mothers that they feel sorry for them. They 
do not realize that their good, old mothers 
know more in an hour than they know in a 
month. Girls who think they know more than 
their mothers too often bring sorrow to the 
home. They do not see danger until it has 
overtaken them. When a girl gets so smart 
that her mother's words do not influence her, 
she is a disgrace to her parents. It is the fool 
that is wise in his own conceit, and fools are 
daily becoming more numerous among the 
girls ; but it is not always their fault. Too often 
their training is neglected while the mothers 
shine in club or lodge circles. While mothers 
keep chairs warm in the club-rooms, the Devil 
makes it hot in their homes. 

Girls should not be allowed to be promiscu- 
ously absent from home of nights. If they pre- 
fer the streets to home after dark, there is 
cause for alarm. When young girls put the 
streets above home, it is time to go in search 
of them with a bull's-eye lantern. The sooner 
the slack is taken out of the ropes the better. 



138 Lecture on Patriotism 

Mothers often make themselves tired when 
night comes cooping young chickens and then 
rest perfectly contented without knowing 
where their young daughters are or what kind 
of company they have. Girls cannot be proper- 
ly raised by mothers being more concerned 
about chickens than about them. Mothers who 
are careful that their young poultry is safe from 
the four-legged skunks, should not neglect to 
see that their young daughters are safe from 
the two-legged ''skunks." 



LECTURE ON PATRIOTISM 

When July 4 comes there is an overflow of 
fire-crackers, oratory and patriotism. That is 
the day that love of country runs rampant and 
the greased pig panteth in the chase. The 
orators soar to lofty heights and the fat men 
make fools of themselves for two dollars and 
thirty cents. A chorus of "a hundred trained 
voices" sing "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," and 
a boy pushes himself up a greased pole for a 
silver dollar. The brass band toots "America" 
till the tooters are red in the face and the 
sprinters sprint for first prize. The wheel- 
barrow races, the sack races, the potato races, 
the bicycle races and, when evening casts its 
sable mantle over the assembled thousands, the 



Lecture on Patriotism 139 

fireworks ; the sky-rockets go skyward ; the 
Roman candles roam heavenward; the "whirly- 
gigs" whirl, and the "nigger-chasers" chase. 
Then the people return to their homes tired, 
sore and disgusted. They have "celebrated" 
Independence day, and they feel like apologiz- 
ing to Uncle Sam and asking forgiveness of the 
American eagle. No wonder the former gets 
up late on the morning of July 5, and the latter 
wants no breakfast that day. Both would like 
to quit their jobs and get others where the 
people celebrate the birth of their independence 
in a manner becoming a great country filled 
with lovers of liberty. 

Think of so many millions of people trying 
to exhibit their patriotism in a manner that is 
neither dignified nor sensible. It is a sad con- 
dition when, on July 4, a greased pig is of more 
interest than the American flag. What would 
George Washington say if he could see Ameri- 
can boys trying to climb a greased pole on 
July 4 for a dollar or two? His great heart 
would be pained to the core. What if Thomas 
Jefferson and Patrick Henry could see some 
three-hundred pound Americans chase down 
the line for a new hat, a pair of suspenders or 
two socks? Tom would regret the day he 
wrote that Fourth of July piece and Pat would 
ask why he said, "Give me liberty or give me 
death !" 

Why all these freaks of foolishness in cele- 



140 Lecture on Patriotism 

brating Independence Day? Instead of pay- 
ing boys and men to chase greased swine or 
race in the heat, why not pay them for the 
best singing of a patriotic song or reciting a 
patriotic poem? No wonder an attempt was 
made to legislate love of country into the ris- 
ing generation by floating Old Glory from 
the school houses every day in the year. While 
the attempt was a sorrowful lack of good judg- 
ment and a miserable failure of results, it was 
perhaps intended to get the minds of American 
girls and boys turned away from thoughts of 
modern Fourth of July celebrations. Patriotism 
is inborn in the human heart, and beyond the 
power of legislation. 

Everybody has a supply of patriotism and 
are anxious to put it on parade. George Wash- 
ington loved his country, also a widow. There 
has never been a discussion as to which he 
loved the more. His love of country did not 
lessen his love of Martha, and his love of 
Martha did not lessen his love of country. 
He fought for his country, but he did not have 
to fight for the widow. He got her in the 
usual way — as a gift. They lived together un- 
til his death, and they no doubt attended many 
Fourth of July celebrations; but they never 
saw the day disgraced by a greased pig climb 
ing a greased pole or a fat man chasing a potato 
with a wheelbarrow. 

Many young men and old ones, too, are so 



Lecture on Patriotism 141 

full of patriotism when they "go to the Fourth" 
that they "throw a few slugs" down their 
throats to keep it from overflowing, but, like 
truth, it will not be kept down. Before the 
day closes their patriotism breaks loose and 
they see all kinds of eagles and Uncle Sams. 
They sing "The Star Spangled Banner," "Hail 
Columbia," and every other woman they meet 
with a patriotic fervor that causes them to 
"stagger" under their "load" of patriotism. 
They keep their "spirits" up till they go down 
and are nabbed by another American who wears 
a star, but no star spangled banner, on his 
coat. 

But, as our great Independence Day is a day 
of go-as-you-please, why should a patriotic 
American not be allowed to drink in the spirit 
of the occasion. Even the fire-cracker takes 
on a "bust ;" everybody gets full-enough of the 
day to last them a year, and have that "tired 
feeling" next morning. Patriotism is as good 
as it ever was, but it sometimes manifests itself 
in ways that are not commendable. 



142 Lecture on Nice People 



LECTURE ON NICE PEOPLE 

There are two kinds of nice people, one is 
nice as God intended them to be and the other 
is nice as the Devil wants them to be. The 
former has good sense and the power to use it ; 
the latter may have good sense but fails to 
rightly apply it for their own good and the 
good of others. Those who are nice as God in- 
tended, have wisdom that betokens a healthy 
brain condition and a respect for the feelings of 
others that makes manhood hopeful of human- 
ity. They do not elevate their smelling ex- 
tensions in a manner that indicates that the 
estimate they put on themselves places them 
well above those who may have met with mis- 
fortune or whose lives have been darkened by 
the vicious and slimy tongue of scandal. 

Wealthy people, who are perhaps enjoying 
fortunes that came to them by inheritance, are 
often too nice to associate or even condescend 
to speak to those who are poor but honest. 
Sometimes they are not to blame because along 
with their wealth, they may have inherited the 
lack of good sense in their treatment of those 
who earn their bread by the sweat of their 
brow and have hearts as pure and noble as God 
ever gave to his children. One of the saddest 



Lecture on Nice People 143 

misfortunes that comes to man is to have more 
wealth than brains. 

Seldom do those whose wealth comes by 
their own industry or business ability disdain 
those who have been less fortunate. Usually 
those who have achieved success by their own 
efforts, or with timely assistance, have sense 
enough to realize that those nearer the bottom 
of the ladder have hearts and feelings and be- 
long to the great class on which rests the pros- 
perity and safety of the nation. It is those with 
brain room to let that estimate a man's worth 
by the amount in his purse. Only a fool will 
judge a man by the size of his bank account. 

In what is called "society" are always found 
many "real nice people." They will recognize 
none except those whom they think are in their 
class, socially, financially, educationally or 
"dressfully." For the world and a poodledog 
they would not be seen with those who are not 
rich or "dressed in the height of fashion." 
With them dress or wealth is above character. 
Women in this class will associate with a fash- 
ionably-dressed libertine but would not speak 
to a man of character if he is not dressed to suit 
their fancy. They are too nice to recognize 
honor and worth because they are not adorned 
with fine raiment. "Society" men have no 
more sense than society women. Too many of 
them prize fine clothes higher than they do 
virtue. They will associate with richly dressed 



144 Lecture on Nice People 

women of questionable character when those 
with pure hearts and less costly apparel are 
passed with a sneer. Putting dress above 
character has sent many down the road to ruin. 
Fine clothes please the eye but cannot purify 
the heart. Those who select friends by the 
clothes they wear will become wiser by their 
own mistake. 

Women are often disgustingly peculiar. They 
will become too nice to associate with a girl 
who has not loved wisely, but will not frown 
upon the brute who ruined her life. Many 
young women have become discouraged by the 
manner they are met by their women friends 
after misfortune came to them, and took the 
downward road. Satan claims thousands of 
women because their sex disowns them. 

It is not alwa3^s those whose lives are right 
that become exceedingly nice. Often those 
whose souls are blackest have most to say 
about the characters of others. Those who 
make loudest claims of purity often do so to 
hide the spots on their own characters. They 
judge themselves too nice to associate with 
those who may be wrongly accused, while the 
skeletons in their own closets are so crowded 
that they are saying ''Stand over." People who 
are extremely nice are most ready to believe 
reports against the characters of others. Some 
people are so nice that they stink. 

Some wives are so nice about their homes 



Lecture on Nice People 145 

that they make their husbands miserable. Their 
only thought is to keep everything nice for 
company. They will not allow their husbands 
to sit in the best chairs, lie on the lounge nor 
enter the best room lest there will be a speck 
of dust more to mar the pleasure of a visit 
from a lady friend. Such wives forget that the 
home is first for the family and then for others. 
The husband who is eternally told to keep out 
of the best chair and the best room soon begins 
to think his home is too nice for him, and goes 
to the club room where he can lie on the best 
lounge or sit in the best chair without objec- 
tion. One of the surest ways to keep a man 
from the club rooms is for his wife to make him 
think there is nothing in his home too good for 
him. It is better to have a little dust on the 
best chair than to have doubt and disgust in the 
husband's heart. If the Devil has not too much 
the start of her, a wife usually makes the hus- 
band what he is. A woman can make an angel 
or a devil of her husband, and what she makes 
him she deserves. 

Some husbands are so nice that they do not 
think their wives are good enough to be seen 
in public with them. While they are seldom 
at home, their wives are seldom away from 
home. They seem to be ashamed of those 
whom they pledged to love and honor. The 
man who would rather be seen with other 
women than with his wife is helping Satan 

10 



146 Lecture on Money 

drive happiness from his home. There are also 
wives who would rather have their husbands 
at home than in public with them. They seem 
to enjoy the company of all other men better 
than they do the presence of those to whom 
their love belongs. They are cheerful when 
with other men and wear a funeral look when 
their husbands are near. When a woman pre- 
fers the company of other men to that of her 
husband, the Devil has her by the hand, and 
she makes no effort to have him loose his hold. 



LECTURE ON MONEY 

Money is not the root of all evil nor is it the 
source of all good. While there is no crime 
that money will not accomplish, many crimes 
are not the result of the influence of it. While 
there is no good that cannot be accomplished 
with money, there are many noble acts per- 
formed without its influence. Therefore, that 
which is evil may be evil from nature, and that 
which is good may be good for the same reason. 
Money is a necessity, whether it is wampum 
or gold. While it is often used to promote evil, 
that is not sufficient proof that all evil can be 
traced to it. While in thousands it is the index 
of the greed in them, in thousands of others it is 
the index of a desire to provide for themselves 



Lecture on Money 147 

and families. Because a miser hoards money 
while he wears rags and eats little is not posi- 
tive evidence that money is never hoarded for 
good purposes. 

Money is what everybody wants and millions 
get so little of. While it is a curse to some, it 
is a blessing to others. The downfall of thou- 
sands is traced to the day they came in posses- 
sion of much money, while the uplifting of 
thousands dates from the day they became 
rich. Money has taken men to the gutter and 
it has taken men out of the gutter. Money has 
dragged men from positions of respectability 
and honor; it has put hope into the despondent 
heart, and turned the downward career toward 
a life of honor and usefulness. While money 
is the god of millions, it is the servant of mil- 
lions. While no one has, perhaps, made a 
success of serving God and mammon, that does 
not prevent the continuation of the experiment. 
Many would rather be rich than be saved. 

Money is many sided. It does not withold 
its influences from God or Devil. It helps 
God to build up, and assists the Devil in tear- 
ing down. There is no good that God and 
money cannot do; there is no evil that the 
Devil and money cannot accomplish. Money 
takes people into the church who are servants 
of Satan, and keeps out of church those who 
would make faithful servants of their Master. 
Love of money is too often the religion of 



148 Lecture on Money 

church members. They use it so lavishly that 
their presence in the house of worship does 
more harm than they do good. Love of 
money sends more people to perdition than 
the Devil has time to care for. 

Money w^recks homes, ruins character, and 
makes life a hell to those who apply it wrong- 
fully. Money is one of man's worst enemies 
and one of his best friends. It makes him glad 
and makes him sad. It lifts his downcast 
spirit, and drives hope from his heart. It 
pushes him up the Hill of Life and hurls him 
down on the other side. It starts a man to the 
devil and then throws the rub locks off; and 
when he reaches the bottom of the grade takes 
him by the hair and lifts him to a place of 
honorable prominence. It saves him and ruins 
him ; it plays Avith him as a cat with a mouse. 

Christ was betrayed for money — for only 
thirty pieces of silver; and there are hundreds 
of men today who would do as Judas did for 
half the amount if they had an opportunity. 
Mr. Iscariot was not prompted to betray his 
Master by the love of money alone, but it 
awoke to action the "pure cussedness" in his 
heart. If his heart had not been blackened by 
an inclination to do wrong, the promise of 
money would not have influenced his act. Love 
of money does not make a desire to do evil ; it 
awakens the desire that exists. 

Money does not corrupt lawmakers and other 



Lecture on Money 149 

officials — it brings the corrupt nature to the 
surface. The man who embezzles the funds 
of a bank, does so because there is so much evil 
in him that he cannot withstand temptation. 
The lawmaker who accepts a bribe for his vote, 
does so because there is a dishonest corner in 
his heart that can be reached only with money. 
The' officials who sell out the people by selling 
their votes are the worst daylight thieves that 
are permitted to live. They belong to Judas' 
gang and never get punishment too swift or too 
severe. 

Money is the John D. Rockefeller of politics. 
What he can do in the commercial world it can 
do in the political world. Money elects more 
men to office than conscience. There are few 
men that money will not buy if the pile is 
made big enough. The party that has the most 
money has the most "politicians;" and the 
party that has most politicians is the least fit 
to control a country. The more money the 
more politicians ; the more politicians the 
more corruption in office. Money and the 
Devil often join hands to run the af- 
fairs of state; and then it is that affairs are in a 
deplorable state. All the men who are political 
highwaymen are not in office. Candidates are 
often made more corrupt by those who hang 
to their coat tails and offer to sell their votes 
or their "influence." The number who are v/ill- 
ing to sell their inalienable right are so numer- 



150 Lecture on Hogs 

ous that the only way the candidate can avoid 
them is to go ''straight uj)." No matter how 
high he goes, he never finds them. The man 
who would sell his vote, would sell his soul if 
it were possible to turn it into cash. The man 
who has not enough honor to vote as his con- 
science tells him, should not be allowed to 
vote. He is an enemy to his country. 



LECTURE ON HOGS 

The world and the woods are full of hogs. 
There are two and four legged hogs. The 
former grunts and squeals ; the latter ''squeals" 
and "grunts." Neither has room to boast over 
the other. One eats corn and the other drinks 
corn juice. One drinks slop and the other 
drinks what slop is made of at the distillery. 
The four-legged hog gets full, but it never gets 
drunk ; the two-legged hog gets full and drunk ; 
also, gets in the calaboose. That is the pen 
made and prepared for him. He remains there 
until his "spirits" go down, and his mind goes 
up — from his boots to the head. When the 
coast is sufficiently clear of snakes to allow 
him to see what a fool hog he has been, he 
rolls over in his sorrow and grunts in his 
misery. He then begins to think of home and 



Lecture on Hogs 151 

wishes he could crawl through a crack in the 
door of the public pen ; but he can't. Later, 
he is turned out like a strange shoat from a 
strange lot, and sneaks home like a whipped 
cur. 

There are human hogs all along Life's path- 
way. Some wallow in the mud; some roll in 
luxury. Some feast at the table of poverty; 
some dine at the spread of plenty. Some wear 
rags, and some are robed in costly apparel. 
They are found in all classes; they are con- 
fined to no society or set. The instincts of a 
hog can be as evident in a hut as in a palace. 
A man does not have to be a hog because he is 
poor. Hoggishness is not a synonym of pov- 
erty. Neither is riches. A hog will be a hog 
whether rich or poor. As education aids the 
ability of the natural thief, so does riches add 
to the field of the natural hog. The larger the 
field the bigger the hog, when he is built that 
way. 

Hoggishness manifests itself in numerous 
ways in the human heart. Some deprive them- 
selves of every pleasure that they may have 
a few more dollars than their neighbor. They 
starve their families that their bank account 
may grow. They take more pride in keeping 
their overdrafts and balances far apart than 
they do in having three square meals a day. 
Money is their king, and they implicitly obey 
his every command. 



152 Lecture on Hogs 

Some starve the bodies and minds of their 
children that they may buy more acres of land, 
more fine horses, or more something else not 
essential to happiness or contentment. They 
expect their children to work hard and live on 
bread and water because they have an ambi- 
tion to buy everything that is for sale. They 
do not educate their children because they 
want them to earn more money. Often poor 
children become better educated than the chil- 
dren of the rich because their parents do not 
realize the value of education. 

Others are hogs in not allowing their fami- 
lies to dress as becomes their station. They 
expect their wives to look pleasant in calico 
when they know that everybody else knows 
the reason they have nothing better is not be- 
cause they cannot afford it. God pity the 
woman who has a hog husband. She is never 
happy until she gets to Heaven. He cannot 
follow to disturb her. 

Other hogs are those who spend all their 
money drinking or gambling when they cannot 
afford to spend one dollar foolishly. Many 
wives and children remain away from Sunday 
school and church because their husbands and 
fathers squander their hard-earned dollars in 
evil ways. A man who gambles or gets drunk 
when his children cry for bread ought not to be 
allowed to live without a guardian. He is a 
curse to his family and the community, little 



Lecture on Hogs 153 

better than the thief who would steal the 
money intended to feed and clothe the wife and 
children. 

Thousands of women go to early graves an- 
nually because they have husbands who think 
more of a dollar than they do of a wife. Thou- 
sands more worry themselves into premature 
graves because they have husbands whose de- 
sire for strong drink cannot be driven from 
them by the tears and pleadings of loving, 
patient and forgiving wives. Still more thou- 
sands follow them because they have hus- 
bands who prefer the gambling-room to the 
home. What hogs many mortals are! They 
not only disgrace themselves, but those about 
them. They bring sorrow to the home instead 
of happiness. They root up the flowers of con- 
tentment and smear mud on the front gate. 
Instead of being what God intended they 
should be, they are what the Devil wants them 
to be. God intended all hogs should be four- 
legged; but they are no more numerous than 
the two-legged ones. Even the razor-backs 
of Texas are duplicated in humanity. The 
lean, lank, long-nosed natives of the Southern 
forests have their counterparts in the hovel 
and the palace. Some are educated and some 
are unlearned. They are found in all countries 
and in all classes. They thrive under every 
sun and in every land. But they cannot live 
forever. When they grunt their last grunt and 



154 Lecture on Grave Digging 

are buried beneath the sod, on the marble slab 
may be the following: 

Here lies one never dead before ; 
Died because he could grunt no more — 
His life is not good to follow. 
Unless you are built to wallow. 



LECTURE ON GRAVE DIGGING 

Recently the daily papers solemnly an- 
nounced that a man at St. Joseph, Mich., dug 
the grave of his wife. When it was found ''there 
was no sexton at the village cemetery the grief 
stricken husband was compelled to dig the 
grave of his wife himself." 

This is not the first time a husband has 
"dug the grave of his wife." Thousands of 
husbands have dug the graves of their wives 
and thousands more are digging them every 
day. They dig them as certainly, as surely 
as the man at St. Joseph dug the grave of 
his wife, the difference being he did not dig 
the grave until his companion was dead, while 
they are digging the graves while the corpses 
are living. 

Some husbands dig the graves of their wives 
by being cruel to them; some by neglecting 
to try to make them happy, while others com- 
pel them to work without rest. Hundreds of 
wives find no rest until they find it in death. 



Lecture on Grave Digging 155 

Their husbands do not reaHze that a woman 
ever gets tired. They treat them Uttle better 
than if they were slaves. Like the Indians, 
they do the resting while the women do the 
work. Strong men can often be found holding 
down dry goods boxes and painting the side- 
walk with tobacco juice while their wives are 
bending over the washtub. Many men wear 
out the south end of their pants while they 
condemn the administration and curse those 
who, by their industry and economy, have ac- 
cumulated a few thousand dollars. The man 
who daily loafs on the streets while his wife 
takes in washing, helps to make Satan's busi- 
ness a success. Hundreds of pale-faced, des- 
pondent women could be made to look happy 
if the things they call husbands would quit 
loafing long enough to help make a living for 
their families. The man who is able to work 
and does not work, but makes his wife work 
that he may live, is no more fit to be a hus- 
band than the Devil is to be a saint. 

Some who are willing to work and do work, 
dig the graves of their wives by unthoughtedly 
heaping upon them more work than they can 
do without endangering their health. They ap- 
pear to think a woman never needs to rest, be- 
cause she never complains. The busy farmer 
will often engage men to assist him in the field, 
but never thinks his wife needs assistance in 
the house. In his anxious hurry to accumu- 



156 Lecture on Grave Digging 

late enough to buy another farm or more stock 
he forgets about the overworked wife, who 
toils from early morning till late night. After 
a few years he adds another farm to his estate 
only to find that the good wife who toiled so 
unceasingly is gone. She is not there to share 
in the income of the new farm. She is at 
rest in the grave he has been several years 
digging for her. A few dollars expended each 
year for help in the house would have spared 
her to him many years. A few less cattle 
might have been bought or fewer acres added 
to the estate, but the good, faithful wife would 
still be in the home to cheer and comfort those 
about her. Acres of land are as nothing com- 
pared with the presence of a true and loving 
wife. It is better to pay help in the kitchen 
than to pay the funeral expenses. The price 
of a casket, if used rightly and in time, might 
keep crape off the front door many years. The 
man who endangers his wife's health that he 
may own more property would forego the 
certainty of Heaven if he could gain a few 
hundred dollars. 

Many men dig their wives' graves by being 
cruel and overbearing. They never miss an 
opportunity to try to show how important they 
are and how insignificant their wives are. They 
know the world would cease to revolve without 
them, and that their life companions w^ould not 
be missed. To convince the wives how im- 



Lecture on Grave Digging 157 

portant they are, they sometimes treat them 
cruelly even to using physical force to make it 
more impressive. The mistreated wives are 
too timid or too cowed to resent the cruelty 
and bear their punishment in silence until life's 
thread is broken, and they find peace and rest 
in the grave that was dug while they 
lived. When the patient wife is gone the 
cruel husband begins to wonder why he has 
been a big-headed idiot. The man who is cruel 
to his wife is a coward. Many men are kinder 
to their cattle than to their wives. If all men 
who are not good to their wives were placed 
in a row the large number would make Satan 
v/eep with joy. The grave-digging husband is 
a curse to his home. 

Some men dig graves for their wives by 
keeping them unhappy. They not only doom 
them to a life of drudgery but make no effort 
to make their load lighter by trying to make 
them contented. They are seldom at home 
and, when they are, often go to bed with their 
boots on. They try to have all women, except 
their wives, smile on them. Too many men 
prefer to be on the streets, in the saloons, 
gambling rooms or at lodges than at home, and 
then wonder why their wives are surprised if 
they stay at home one night. One of the 
surest ways to keep a wife out of the grave 
is to keep her happy. All the men who keep 
their wives perfectly happy would not cover an 



158 Lecture on Dudes 

acre in Heaven. There will be no grave-dig- 
ging husbands on that acre. 



LECTURE ON DUDES 

A dude is a cipher — a ring around nothing. 
He represents an attempt to make a man. He 
is a soft brick that was on the outside of the 
kiln, and didn't get baked enough to be of 
service. Like a soft brick he is of little worth 
except when placed under ground. He is said 
to be born, but the evidence is not all in and the 
judge and jury have gone to sleep waiting for 
the accused to look intelligent. If dudes grow 
on trees they are always pulled before they get 
ripe. If there is anything greener than a dude 
it is another dude. 

Dudes carry sticks ; so do hogs. Hogs carry 
them when it is going to rain or they want to 
prepare a bed ; dudes carry them because they 
know no better. Dudes do not know much 
about hogs or anything else. They don't know 
why they are here and don't know how to 
get away. No one knows why a dude 
is on earth except God, and He has made no ex- 
planation. If He did He would say that's what 
He made the world from and had a few chunks 
left over. It should not seem strange that this 
might be true. God made the world from noth- 



Lecture on Dudes 159 

ing and a dude is a nothing, the evidence is 
not wanting. If this theory is true and the 
world is a good thing, the dude should be 
praised more and reviled less. 

Dudes have to be kept out of the sun lest 
they become warped and have to have a two- 
ounce weight put on them to straighten them 
out. If kept in shape the dudes might be useful 
in ways not yet known of, besides being used 
for "clothes-horses" and hat-hooks. 

Dudes are the peafowls of humanity. They 
are to society what the peafowl is to the barn- 
yard — something to look at and hear make 
curious noise. They live to be seen and heard. 

Dudes, like all other animals, were created 
for some purpose. Some things fill a place 
by amusing others, and the dude belongs to 
this class of things. Many people narrowly 
escape belonging to this class, but that may 
be no fault of theirs. They may have got near 
the danger line because their parents were only 
one removed from the dude class. 

The great search for the "missing link'* 
would have been ended long ago, and the dudes 
declared to be the link if the monkeys had not 
objected. Monkeys are not proud, but they 
want something between them and man. When 
Darwin put forth his theory that man was 
descended from the monkey, he perhaps had no 
intention of insinuating the dude was a part of 
humanity. He would have had too much re- 



160 Lecture on Dudes 

spect for the monkey. Darwin was a great 
friend of the monkey. It was but natural that 
he should ; for it is characteristic of the human 
race to have much and due respect for their 
ancestors. Many believe Darwin knew what 
he was talking about when he proclaimed his 
great-grandfather was one of the boys who 
used to sleep with his tail wrapped about a 
limb. There is no evidence that Darwin ever 
visited the graves of his ancestors and shed 
copious tears while there, but he always felt 
that he owed them a debt of gratitude because 
they left off the fashion of wearing tails before 
he was given life. He never tried to explain 
why the descendants of the monkeys do not 
wear tails. Some people wear "tails," but 
they are not properly located to add to the 
Darwinian theory, which is silent as to the 
time the tail dropped off in the process of evolu- 
tion. But it must have been about the time 
the dude came into existence, and he was given 
a cane to carry in place of a tail. Monkeys dif- 
fer from dudes because they have brains, and, if 
left to look out for themselves, never fail to 
live off their own efforts instead of off their 
relatives. If the monkeys had known the dude 
was to be one of their descendants they would 
have worked a permanent injunction by com- 
mitting suicide before the evoluting began. 
While dudes are not the wisest or most hand- 
some specimens of humanity, they are more 



Lecture on Dudes 161 

than amusing. They are interesting and en- 
tertaining to many — young ladies ; who are not 
always dudines. Often a dude can win the 
heart of a young lady when a real man couldn't 
get through the front gate of her affection. She 
prefers show to worth — nothing to something. 
Many, who pass as sensible young women, 
will put aside an honest, industrious young 
man, who has plenty of brains and some money, 
for a ''connecting link," and then expect her 
parents to keep her from going to the poor 
house. The future happiness of a woman de- 
pends on the amount of good sense she uses 
in selecting a life partner. If she selects a 
dude, when she might have chosen a man, 
she will get all the sympathy she deserves. 

Now and then dudes do things that are com- 
mendable, such as commit suicide or refuse to 
be divorced. They sometimes get tired of the 
world because they have so much competition, 
and end all by their own hands. The woman 
who takes them for better or worse is sure to 
have a boarder, one who will not change board- 
ing places "until the last armed foe expires." 

Dudes usually "shuffle of this mortal coil" 
in the regulation manner. Life sometimes has 
no pleasure for them, and they long to meet the 
other monkeys that had to give up their places 
on the trees. It was theirs to make the best of 
life they could. If they were zeros in the 
great family that gather around the wide 
11 



162 Lecture on Ice 

hearthstone, covered and sheltered by the 
broad, blue canopy of Heaven, it was no fault 
of theirs. Like the statesmen and jurists they 
came not at their own bidding else they might 
have refused to share the sunshine and shadows 
that fall around them. Perhaps a fitting epi- 
taph would be — 

Pray, step softly, lightly, old fellow: 
Beneath this sod lies one that is mellow; 
He was not a fool or a flunkey, 
But, like you, descended from a monkey. 



LECTURE ON ICE 

Ice is a good thing in its place, and it has 
many places. It grows on the water and in the 
heart. It is found in the home, in society and 
in the church. It is known by its "coolness." 
It is never hot. The family that is cold toward 
each other is like a row of icicles. The man 
who is cold toward his family can never be of 
the use in the world that God intended he 
should. His chilliness freezes the current of 
love in the hearts of his wife and children. If 
he "thaws out" it is when others are present. 
Soon as they are gone he is frozen as tight as 
water in a horse trough on a winter night. 
Sometimes it is the wife who is the iceberg. 
She may be "beautiful and accomplished," but 



Lecture on Ice 163 

her heart is full of ice, and she freezes those 
about her until they must dress warmer. Her 
husband and children shiver when she comes 
near. One of her winter glances would make 
a ray of sunshine sneak off and hide behind the 
barn. Ice in the heart and chilliness in the 
soul make one-half the divorce work for 
lawyers. The husband, the wife, or both, may 
be to blame. If both are icy, no warmth of love 
lingers about the hearthstone. It is a game of 
"freeze out," and the one who loses applies for 
divorce. It was never intended one icicle 
should be tied to another, but they often are. 
Perhaps some men and women cannot help 
being icy and distant, but they seldom try to 
drive back the chilling tide. They allow it to 
flow on and on until all the warm places in the 
heart are frozen. The great need in thousands 
of homes is less ice and more sunshine. Often 
a ray of sunshine in the heart of the husband or 
wife may drive discord from the home and rob 
the lawyer of a fee. God pity the home that 
does not have one warm, cheery heart where 
icicles are never found, and hope receives a 
hearty welcome. 

Society has its ice and icebergs — people who 
are cold and clammy. They are cold by nature 
and education. They teach themselves to ap- 
pear icy toward those they think are below 
them in Hfe. They strut like peafowls; ac- 
knowledge few equals and no superiors. God 



164 Lecture on Ice 

ought to strike such creatures dumb with a 
sack of wind that they might reaHze how much 
they lack of having a Httle good, horse sense. 
Ice-bound fools should never be interred in the 
same cemetery, lest they disarrange their last 
suits trying to turn their backs to each other. 

Nowhere is iciness more evident than in the 
churches. The love of God in many churches 
is not strong enough to prevent icicles. They 
hang from the window sills, the ceiling and the 
pew backs. When the Devil peeps into a 
church and sees icicles, he stakes down his tent 
and prepares for work. He knows he has found 
a field where he can do much good for his 
cause. But if he sees the fires of brotherly 
love are so strong that there is not even frost 
on the windows, he knows his efforts there 
would be fruitless, and he journeys on down 
the road. Sometimes the ice is so plentiful in 
a church that the pastor cannot preach a ser- 
mon warm enough to melt it. It is even impos- 
sible for the janitor to build fire enough to 
make the room comfortable in moderately cold 
weather. There is often a "hot time" in a 
church because it is full of ice. If a stranger 
attends services he is made to feel like "cold 
chills" were chasing each other along his spinal 
column. Some people seem to think religion 
consists in trying to humble others by chilly 
haughtiness and icy indifference. They take 
more pleasure in humbling one less fortunate 



Lecture on Ice 165 

than they do in satisfying hunger. Some who 
sing "Praise God, from whom all blessings 
flow," loudest have enough ice in their hearts 
to freeze five gallons of ice cream. Others are 
chilly because the preacher or some other mem- 
ber has done something without their consent. 
A church that has not sufficient religious fervor 
to melt the frost off the windows ought to dis- 
band and start an ice factory. Religion that 
has icicles hanging from every corner is not 
the kind that will do to die by. The religion 
that causes one to have pleasant dreams Avhen 
he wraps the drapery of his couch about him 
for the last time, need not to be packed in ice 
to keep it from spoiling. Some church mem- 
bers are so full of ice that the minister is com- 
pelled to put lots of Hell in their funeral ser- 
mons to prevent the frost from thickening on 
the caskets while friends "take the last sad 
look" at the "dear departed." Chilliness in 
churches makes necessary hotter fires where 
Satan dwells. 



166 Lecture on Love 



LECTURE ON LOVE 

Love is that indescribable something that 
lays hold of people and holds on until they 
have but little more sense than when they were 
"infants mewling and puking in their mother's 
arms ;" and many of them, when older grown, 
are so sickening in matters of love that they 
make all their friends feel like vomiting. There 
is nothing that will sooner or more effectually 
"upset the stomach" than the actions of some 
people when they are in love. To see them is 
to feel that a drink of peppermint tea is indis- 
pensable. No one escapes the softening in- 
fluence of love. It affects all people in all 
classes, but hits some harder than it does 
others. Kings, statesmen and warriors sur- 
render as readily as do the shepherd, the 
ditcher or the cowboy. Men who have been 
wise in all other things lose control of the 
balance wheel in their heads when they fall 
in love. Cupid can make a fool of a king as 
easily as of a peasant. The man who says 
love never disturbed his wisdom never loved 
or he is a liar. 

There are many kinds of love, among them 
first love, love at first sight, true love, "sick- 
kitten" love, and coquettish love. First love 
is good for reference. No one can forget it. 



Lecture on Love 167 

It is like a nightmare without a bridle. When 
its presence is not desired it rises up to paw 
the air and kick the covers off. Few marry 
their first love until their second love "is at 
rest over there." Then they go back to the 
childhood home and gather in "the one that 
has been true to them through all these years." 
It is two hearts with but a single thought, two 
fools that try to beat each one. 

Love at first sight is like trading horses 
"sight unseen" — good enough if it hits. Per- 
haps, if there is such a thing as love at first 
sight, it is better than no love at all. Usually 
the people who claim to fall in love at first 
sight are those who have lost hope. They 
have missed so many chances that they are 
always angling and are pretty sure to land the 
first sucker that switches his tail against the 
bait. Some people are always bragging about 
falling in love at first sight, thinking every- 
body are fools enough to believe them. 

Sick kitten love is the kind that people can't 
have but once and live. Like smallpox and 
measles, it does not strike in the same place 
twice. When a man has sick kitten love he 
deserves the sympathy of his friends. He feels 
like he wants to die but can't. If the party 
of the other part is similarly affected the case 
is serious, and something should be done. A 
course at a feeble-minded institute might re- 
new hope for recovery. 



168 Lecture on Love 

Coquettish love is like the gum left sticking 
on the door casing — it can't be used again. A 
coquette is a human humming bird that flits 
from flower to flower and is gone. A coquette 
flits away the days of her glory and then mar- 
ries a widower with seven small children, three 
dogs and a bad breath. She deserves nothing 
better; a divorce should never be hers. The 
woman who trifles in love is meaner than the 
cat that worries a mouse till it is tired and 
then kills it. Making love to a coquette is like 
talking to a clothes dummy — a loss of wind 
and time. 

True love is love that is divine — love that 
begins right and never goes wrong. It is love 
that lets pure sunshine into the soul and bids 
it welcome. It is "that cordial drop of bliss; 
the sovereign balm for every woe." Mis- 
fortune may come and go but it remains to 
cheer and comfort. If true love were not so 
scarce there would be more happy homes. True 
love is the foundation on which all human hap- 
piness structures are reared. Without it con- 
tentment is a stranger to the home and sorrow 
is a frequent visitor. "It makes every flower 
smile its blessings upon lovers," and spreads its 
soft wings over those who give it honor. True 
love makes the home a heaven, and keeps the 
Devil chained in the woodshed. 

The poet has said ''love is blind," and few 
believe he did not tell the truth. If love were 



Lecture on Love 169 

not blind, some people would be ''left bloom- 
ing alone" until all hope was lost. Unless there 
is blind love, some love must remain unex- 
plained, as a young girl's love for a man old 
enough to be her grandfather or a young 
woman's love for a man that is hog enough to 
fill himself so full of corn juice that it runs out 
of his ears as he wallows in the gutter. The 
woman who is afflicted with such blindness will 
get her eyes wide open when she takes in 
washing to support what ought to be a man. 
It is such love that "passeth understanding." 

Admiration is often mistaken for love. The 
one who does not know the difference between 
admiration and love ought to stay in of cold 
nights. A pair of blue eyes, golden tresses, a 
lovely or manly form, a "sweet mustache," rosy 
cheeks or winsome ways may be admired, but 
never loved. The sucker who gets caught on 
such a hook will wiggle himself sick trying to 
get loose. The more he wiggles the tighter he 
is held, and the tighter he is held the more he 
realizes he has been a silly fool. 



170 Lecture on Courtship 



LECTURE ON COURTSHIP 

Courtship is Cupid's electric automobile — the 
noiseless carriage in which he moves about *'in 
a mysterious way, his wonders to perform." 
Cupid is never at rest. His only hope of hold- 
ing his position is in keeping at work. He is 
everywhere at once, and rests not even on the 
Sabbath day ; in fact, that is his busy day. He 
does not rest when night comes. He is usually 
up late at night and sleeps late in the morning. 
His work is a labor of love. He does not shrink 
from his duty; in fact he courts it. His work 
is to draw toward each other people who have 
fallen in, dropped in or in any other way have 
got in love. The general name for his work is 
courtship, which is something that everybody 
knows all about. People may acknowledge 
their ignorance on everything else, but never 
on how to conduct a courtship. The dude, the 
old bachelor, the gum-chewing school girl, the 
old maid, and all the mortals between these ex- 
tremes know just how to court. 

Conducting a courtship is one of the easiest 
things on earth or off it. It is so easy that 
school boys and school girls become experts. 
Yet, while it is so easy, many young men would 
rather saw wood with a dull saw than woo g 
fair or an unfair maiden. Bashfulness worries 



Lecture on Courtship 171 

Cupid more than gall. He can "kill off" one 
with more cheek than good sense, but a timid 
young man is like a balky horse — pulls back at 
the wrong time and in the wrong place. He does 
not pull back because he is mean, but because 
he feels mean. A bashful man is not a success 
in courting, and he can't help it. He never 
passes for what he is worth among women. 
An honest, brainy young man is often cast 
aside for a dude because he is bashful. It is not 
creditable to the good sense of women that 
cheek is a better element of success in court- 
ship than industry or brains. It often beats 
money. A man with plenty of cheek and 
plenty of gab will often have half a dozen hang- 
ing about him when an honest, worthy man will 
not even be the object of a smile. Bashful men 
often plod along the thorny path of life until 
they tumble into a hole in the ground and are 
forgotten. If a man wants to be a success in 
courtship, he usually has little use for good 
sense, unless he wants to use it on some old 
maid ; and then she may be so anxious to marry 
that he will forget he ever had any sense. But 
in spite of the natural tendency of women to 
want to be courted by dummies carrying canes 
and wearing one-eyed spectacles, good sense is 
still marketable, and a man of brains and in- 
dustry can sometimes get rid of himself to good 
advantage. 

Courtship is carried on in many ways. As 



172 Lecture on Courtship 

everyone knows just how to court, it is only 
natural that each one has his or her own pecu- 
liar way. Some prefer to reach matrimony by 
the buggy riding route; some by the ham- 
mock line; some by the front gate road; some 
by the parlor line, and some by any 
old route that is handiest and makes 
best time. All of these roads lead to one 
of the two stations, "Happytown" or "Regret- 
ville," and it is little use to try to tell friends 
which one they should travel. A courtship 
rightly conducted leads to Happytown where 
the people are all contented and happy, and 
the homes veritable heavens on earth. If the 
courtship is deceitfully conducted, as hundreds 
are, it leads to Regretville where all wear sad 
looks, heavy hearts and wish they could be 
blown away by a cyclone. These dark homes 
are such places as the Devil likes to put up at 
and stay. Deceit in courtship means tophet in 
the home after marriage. The man who slob- 
bers protestations of undying love, and swears 
by "yonder pale-faced moon" that he never 
has and never could love another, will be cold 
and clammy before the honeymoon has begun 
to wane. Many men who ordinarily are truth- 
ful, are supreme liars in courtship. And wo- 
men are just as much so. Some of them will 
threaten suicide if "he" — not much difference 
which he — should leave them for another, and 
then have different dude company for all the 



Lecture on Courtship 173 

rest of the days in the week. In courtship is 
where those He who never Hed before and 
those who lied before lie the more. The man 
who goes through a courtship without lying 
will get a Morris chair in Heaven. 

Courting is often done by proxy. Sometimes 
it is done by the woman, sometimes by the 
parents and sometimes by a disinterested (?) 
friend. Some girls know so little about where 
they belong that they do the courting, pop the 
question, and call in the preacher. If a young 
man knows enough to go in when it rains he 
will shy around the girl that wants to do all 
the courting. Sometimes an old maid 
who has missed seventeen chances, has 
a young and green lover that she courts so in- 
dustriously that it reminds their friends of a 
cat— an old cat— playing with a mouse. Poor 
mouse. Friends of the young man who allows 
himself to be courted by a woman who has 
three times lost hope, most of her teeth and her 
first eyesight ought to compel him to take ad- 
vantage of the law that prevents cruelty to 
animals. As long as there are ancient relics in 
both sexes they should seek each other. Par- 
ents often make their daughters miserable for 
life by doing their courting. Sometimes the 
daughters have sense enough to break away 
from parental dictation and are happy for life. 
The girl who wants to be courted as God in- 
tended, should rely on Cupid. Friends often 



174 Lecture on Courtship 

try to supersede Cupid in his duties, but never 
make a fair showing toward success, in the 
true sense. Some old women pride themselves 
on the number of matches they have made, but 
say nothing of the fees they have put into 
lawyers' pockets. There is but one way to 
court and that is by, with and through the con- 
sent and under the direction of Cupid. Court- 
ing and chewing gum cannot be done success- 
fully by proxy. 

Some women are so busy loving little 
wooly-snooted poodles that they have no 
place in their hearts for the image of a man. 
If perchance a man finds a corner in the heart 
of a poodle woman, he soon learns he has a 
canine associate and is in danger of being a 
sufferer from hydrophobia if he does not move 
on ; and if he knows as much as when he was 
born, he moves. There is not room for a 
poodle dog and a man in the same heart. It 
should be all dog or all man. 

One of the swiftest kinds of courtship is 
when a widower courts a widow. It is a good 
deal like lightning — comes quick — soon gone 
— struck somewhere. The most rapid court- 
ship is when a divorced man courts a divorced 
woman. They finish up a courtship while the 
average young man is getting his sweetheart 
used to his coat sleeve. When Cupid sees a di- 
vorced man begin courting a divorced woman, 
he climbs on the fence and yells "Sick." 



Lecture on Marriage 175 



LECTURE ON MARRIAGE 

Marriage is a union of hearts — a tying up 
of two souls wherein there is but one beat and 
one thought. Sometimes the only beat is a 
dead-beat with only one shirt and no change of 
socks. Some women like romance so well that 
they marry the most worthless man that comes 
their way, just to see how near they can starve 
to death and live. If Satan were to select hus- 
bands for some women they would have the 
same old, worthless lumps of sun-baked mud 
that they now have. Many women spend a 
week selecting a new hat and then marry the 
first old pile of spoiled dirt that wants a place 
to board. It is easy to tell why women marry, 
but it is impossible to see why some of them 
marry a big zero just because he wears trous- 
ers. Of course some women deserve nothing 
in marriage and get it, while some women de- 
serve something and get nothing. This may be 
because they are tired of waiting, and it may be 
because they think nothing is better than no- 
body. All women intend to marry before they 
pass the thirty mark. If they do not, it is the 
result of necessity — they don't want whom they 
can get and don't get whom they want. They 
wisely believe it is better to go through life 
alone than to marry a man through sympathy. 



176 Lecture on Marriage 

The woman who marries to get rid of herself, 
always wishes she had another chance to prove 
that she is not a fool. 

Men exhibit no more good sense than women 
in marrying. Fully half of them make mis- 
takes, and have to "grin and bear it," unless 
the courts free them. Many men are less par- 
ticular in selecting a wife than in selecting a 
horse. It is impossible to deceive them on a 
horse, but they get fooled so bad in selecting a 
life partner that they wish they could die once 
every day for a year. They would not buy a 
horse until they know its pedigree from first to 
last, and will marry without knowing enough 
about the woman to fill the back of a postage 
stamp. The man who spends more time hunt- 
ing up the pedigree of a horse he wants to buy 
than he does learning the character of the wo- 
man he marries, has a big soft spot above his 
ears. 

People marry for different things : Some 
marry for love, some for money, some for 
honor, some for business, some for a 
home, some for convenience, some for 
spite, some for want of something else 
to do, and some because they are afraid they 
will never get a second chance. Those who 
marry for love are fewer than the world be- 
lieves. Those who marry for money, a home 
or honor are more numerous than they ought 
to be. God never intended that Satan should 



Lecture on Marriage Yll 

have an Interest in matrimonial affairs, but he 
does. When money or honor is concerned, 
Satan knows the chances for trouble are flat- 
tering. The woman who marries for money 
usually finds out she has a man but no husband. 
If she marries for honor, she learns the same 
bitter lesson. It is those who marry for good, 
old-fashioned love that are happy. Money and 
honor cannot bring real happiness. Satan 
would walk a mile to congratulate one who 
marries for money. 

Some marry as they would buy a horse — 
take him because he is cheap. Marrying for 
convenience is like the drunk man waiting for 
the bed to come along so he can get in. Marry- 
ing to get a home is rest for the body and 
trouble to the soul. A home without love 
makes the heart sick. Better live in a hut 
with the one you love than in a mansion with 
one you do not love. Hearts bound together 
with money soon long to be free. Marriage 
should not be a business transaction. The 
man who buys a heart with money will soon 
find that he has nothing better than liver. Mar- 
riage without love is like ice cream without 
flavor. 

People marry at all ages. They never get 
too old to take somebody for better or worse — 
often for much worse. Sometimes an old man 
with more money than brains, decides he wants 
a 16-year-old to rub St. Jacob's oil on his 

12 



178 Lecture on Marriage 

back and keep the steam off his spectacles, and 
he always finds her. There is always a young 
fool for every old fool. If she is not in sight 
he has only to ''beat the bush" when she hops 
out as nimbly as a scared rabbit, and is much 
easier caught. When Cupid begins to tickle an 
old man under the chin, his aches and pains 
have to take a rest, and he becomes as nimble 
as a colt in June. When an old fool gets the 
kinks out of his back, it is not long until some 
preacher gets a call. When January marries 
May, it is time to halter Cupid. When a girl 
wants to marry a man of 80, she ought to be 
sent to an asylum until she fully recovers. Too 
many are married before they know the alpha- 
bet of life. Wives in short dresses make Na- 
ture tired. God never intended that trundle 
beds should be robbed to get husbands and 
wives. But so long as parents encourage ''kid 
courting" there will be kids on the matrimonial 
market, and as long as they are on the market 
there will be fools to take them. When a 17- 
year-old boy marries a 16-year-old girl, it is 
pretty good evidence that a guardian should be 
named for their parents, and Cupid arrested for 
cruelty to animals. 

Marriages are said to be made in Heaven, 
but it is often impossible to believe this with- 
out believing the Devil has changed his place 
of residence. Some marriages are so difficult 
to account for that it is hard to think that even 



Lecture on Marriage 179 

Satan had anything to do with them. It is no 
wonder some marriages are failures when 
the principals to them are. They are no more 
fitted for engaging in a matrimonial partner- 
ship than devils are to sing psalms, yet they 
think others should take lessons from them. 
Some men who would not make creditable tails 
to well-conducted households are heads of fam- 
ilies. Because a man is at the head of a fam- 
ily is not positive proof that he is qualified for 
the place. Hogs are not the only things that 
sometimes have the head on the wrong end. 

So many people "take chances" in getting 
married that marriage is called a lottery. Per- 
haps no other lottery has so many blanks, and 
thousands of them are drawn every year. 
Sometimes a blank draws a blank — nothing 
gets nothing. Sometimes something draws 
nothing or nothing draws something. In either 
case it is like tying a can to a dog's tail — lots 
of noise and fun for the spectators. The man 
who enters the matrimonial market and comes 
out "canned," needs a dog to help him yelp. 
There are some husbands that a respectable 
dog would not yelp for, even if he were paid 
five dollars a day and board. They are so su- 
premely mean and worthless that a dog with 
a reputation worth having could not afford to 
take chances on losing it by associating with 
them. The meanest people often draw the best 
prizes in the matrimonial lottery. Sometimes 



180 Lecture on Marriage 

a man who is so mean that the cats refuse to 
quarrel on his back fence, will marry a woman 
who is fit to be an angel, and in less than three 
years is one — dies of a broken heart. Often a 
woman who is so mean that her chickens can't 
stay at home in peace, will marry the best man 
in town, and he has to turn devil in self-de- 
fense. If there were a law compelling the 
meanest men to marry the meanest women, it 
would be a great saving for Satan — he would 
not have to have telephone connection with 
so many homes. Without trouble in the home 
the Devil could not pay the running expense of 
his business and would have to draw some of 
his fires. 

Marriage is often a necessity, though it is 
usually regarded as a luxury. It is subject to 
the law of free trade. An American heiress can 
marry an English flunky and there is no tariff 
imposed if he is shipped to this country. The 
young men of the United States have no pro- 
tection against the pauper nobility of Europe. 
Rich American girls often get titles, but not 
husbands. The high-class dudes are shipped 
in free of tarifif, put on the matrimonial market 
as curios and they often bring a million dollars, 
and they are worth it — if they are to be used in 
museums. Buying a foreign dude is called 
marriage in New York. Some women would 
rather marry a title than a man. They have 
plenty of money and long for "nothing." 



Lecture on Divorce 181 



LECTURE ON DIVORCE 

Divorce is the legal separation of those who 
lied to God by promising to cleave to each 
other until death did them separate. They 
were married because they thought they want- 
ed to be, and want divorce because they were 
married. Those most anxious to marry are 
usually the most anxious to be divorced. They 
married in haste and want no delay in getting 
released. They forget (if they ever knew) 
about the divine injunction, "Let not man put 
asunder what God hath joined together." If 
God joins all together that get joined, he must 
have been absent-minded at times. Nothing is 
more certain than that some couples, who 
marry, will separate and be divorced in a short 
time. They are no more intended to live as one 
than a skunk and a rabbit. So many marriages 
are like tying a hog to a lamb that it is no won- 
der some lawyers have wool in their teeth — 
they get the fleece. If anyone sometimes feels 
that marriage is a failure, it is the lawyer who 
hears the stories of husbands and wives who 
want to be free. If people were compelled to 
"grin and bear it" till they had to borrow grin 
to keep them from going crazy, there would 
be less haste and more sense used in choosing 
partners for a Hfe waltz. Many people do not 



182 Lecture on Divorce 

even use colt sense in getting married. This 
is why the load of trouble soon gets too heavy 
for the pair to draw ; and one or both kick over 
the traces and want the law and lawyers to 
unhitch them. 

Many couples seek divorce because they are 
not lovers after they get each other. In less 
than a month after the wedding feast is eaten, 
the flame of love begins to flicker and soon 
flickers out. The young man feels that there 
was more pleasure in pursuit than in possession 
and the young woman (or school girl, perhaps) 
wishes she could always be pursued. There is 
no more pressing to the manly bosom; there 
are no more "lingering kisses;" there are no 
more such lies as "you are the only one I ever 
loved;" "I cannot be happy without you," and 
"I am happy only when you are at my side." 
The realities of married life have worked a 
change. The fires built in the heart by Cupid 
have gone out, and there are icicles on the 
heart strings. It is winter where once it was 
summer, and the snowflakes of discontent 
are falling fast. What promised to be a heaven 
becomes a hell. The man who used to call 
seven nights in the week and put in full time on 
Sundays, spends the evenings "up town" or 
down in the gutter. The man who prefers the 
company of loafers rather than that of his wife, 
has turned his home over to the Devil. No 
wife can be happy when her husband is not her 



Lecture on Divorce 183 

lover. The man who is with his sweetheart 
oftenest before marriage usually finds excuse 
to be up town most of the nights after mar- 
riage. 

Some marriages are failures and end in di- 
vorce because they are for convenience. The 
homes are only stopping places. The husbands 
are at home when there are no other women 
ready to entertain them; and the wives are 
at home when they are not somewhere else. 
The man who takes more pleasure in being 
out at night with women of questionable char- 
acter than being out with his wife in daytime, 
is not good enough for Hell. He is a rotten, 
stinking sore on society and ought to be 
dumped out with the other refuse matter. The 
man who promises before God to cleave unto 
a woman until death, and then seeks the com- 
pany of women without virtue, is a brute of the 
worst brand. No woman should allow her 
chances for Heaven endangered by living an 
hour with such zeros in the column of human- 
ity. Divorce frees hundreds of patient. Chris- 
tian women from such beasts too late to pre- 
vent them from going heartbroken to the grave. 
Many women remain the wives of brutes with- 
out hoofs for the "sake of their children" when 
they should leave them forever for the sake of 
themselves, their children and in honor to their 
God. There can be no good come of remaining 
a victim in a home of which the "head" is a 



184 Lecture on Divorce 

part of the tail of the Devil's kite, and the 
sooner the farce ends the better. 

Often the wife is to blame because the home 
is not what God intended it to be. She is not 
an angel in the domestic heaven, but is every- 
thing except what she ought to be — a true, 
noble wife. She does not try to keep alive 
the love of her courtship days. She neglects 
home until it loses attraction for her. She is 
absent at unseemly hours ; disgrace comes to 
the home, and it is soon wrecked. Sometimes 
it is divorce; sometimes it is murder. Some 
wives give so much attention to other men that 
they have no time to even visit with their hus- 
bands. They would rather receive a smile 
from a friend than a kiss from their husbands. 
The wife who is not true to a true husband is 
in league with Satan and will be given one of 
the best rooms in his kingdom. The husband 
who is untrue to a true wife will fare equally 
as well. The best workers for Satan will get 
the best accommodations from him. 

Some divorces are the result of too much 
growling or bossism on the part of one or both. 
Continued growling will drive a man to seek 
divorce or death. A growling woman can 
m.ake a man wish he had never been born. 
Men with growling wives are seldom happy. 
Some men think the so-called head of the fam- 
ily ought to be boss at all times and under all 
circumstances. Soon as the minister finishes 



Lecture on Divorce 185 

his wedding prayer they begin to swell up 
with importance, and do not stop swelling in 
time to prevent the necessity of clothes with 
more room on the inside. Some men feel more 
important when bossing their wives than 
others do in leading an army. The man who 
takes pride in bossing his wife is a coward be- 
fore men of his equal. 

As long as people marry for so many other 
things than love, there will be divorces. And 
well it is if divorce is the worst. Death is the 
divorce that separates thousands. To lessen 
the number of wrecked homes, parents can do 
much. They can teach their sons and daugh- 
ters the danger of marriage that is not for love 
and love alone. They can teach them that wed- 
ilock is not a business transaction. They can 
teach them that love is more precious than 
gold. They can teach them that a school girl 
or school boy is no more capable of selecting a 
life partner than they are of telling from which 
direction the wind will blow on their next 
birthday. They can teach them that the home 
is for the wife as well as the husband and for 
the husband as well as the wife. They can 
teach them that married life is different from 
single life. They can teach them that along 
with love there should be patience, forgiveness, 
faithfulness, sweetness of temper and a desire 
to make each other happy. They can teach 
them that people are supposed to put in use 



186 Lecture on Smartness 

good sense after marriage, even if they did 
not before marriage; and that if they do not 
there is much trouble ahead. 



LECTURE ON SMARTNESS 

It is no trouble to find ''smart" people. They 
are everywhere because they know they are 
needed everywhere. They are in the hut and 
in the mansion ; in the stores and in the offices ; 
in office and out of office ; in church and out of 
church ; in colleges and out of colleges ; in tem- 
perance and out of temperance. There is no 
occupation that does not have them. They 
always know they are absolutely indispensable 
to the business to which they attach. The man 
who is smart always knows it, and wants 
others to know it, not that he thinks it will 
benefit him but because he knows it will bene- 
fit others. It is easy to tell a smart man, be- 
cause he always has his sign out in big, plain 
letters. He differs from a behind-the-proces- 
sion merchant because he advertises. He does 
not hide his light under a bushel. He knows 
a light unseen is no better than darkness. 

People show their smartness in different 
ways and in different places. Some are smart 
at home; some at others' homes; some in 



Lecture on Smartness 187 

church; some in their own estimation; some 
in print and some in everything. The man 
who is smart at home always thinks he knows 
more than all the rest of the family, therefore 
never has to ask them anything. Some men 
are so puffed up over what they think they 
know that they treat their wives as ordinary 
passengers. They never ask their advice be- 
cause they think they are incapable of giving 
any worth considering. They think they know 
so much there is nothing left for their wives to 
know. Some men think a woman's usefulness 
ends with cooking, washing and scrubbing. 
Their "great" minds will not allow them to 
think she knows more than enough to go in 
when it rains. Men who think they are many 
times smarter than their wives are as numer- 
ous as mushrooms after a shower and about as 
soft, so far as good horse sense goes. The man 
who thinks he is too smart to consult his wife 
on matters of business, ought to have extra pro- 
tection for the soft spot in his head. It is not 
safe to let him go unprotected. 

Some women think they are smarter than 
their husbands in everything, and many of 
them are in most things. Some of them are so 
smart they can be out often with another man 
and their husbands be none the wiser. Not a 
few women that have husbands for the same 
reason that some have their names on the 



188 Lecture on Smartness 

church roll — as a cloak. When women get so 
smart other men are dearer to them than their 
husbands, the Devil smiles and puts on another 
stick of wood. Some women know more about 
politics than their husbands, and then don't 
know enough to properly mark an Australian 
ballot. When a women thinks she knows all 
about politics she is of little good as a wife, the 
kind that makes the sunlight of happiness shine 
through the home and the world seem brighter. 
Some women get so smart they think the 
world would cease to revolve if they were 
not on the street every day in the week instead 
of staying at home and getting acquainted 
with their families. 

The world is half full of smart children, 
those v/ho know more than their parents or 
anybody else. When a boy learns to chew to- 
bacco and swear, he thinks there are none other 
so wise, and he has to be knocked down before 
he begins to change his mind. A boy with 
more smartness than he knows what to do with 
is a burden to his parents. He is always ready 
to talk and is never ready to listen, and often 
gets in trouble. One smart boy has often 
made a financial wreck of his father. He was 
too wise to take advice and the sheriff took 
him. Then the lawyers took what money his 
father had to keep him out of the penitentiary. 
A boy who learns only by experience is a fail- 
ure. Some boys are so smart that it is difficult 



Lecture on Smartness 189 

for them to get their parents to do as they want 
them to. Boys who think they know more 
than their parents are easy to find and hard to 
get along with. They know so much that other 
people are in the way. 

Smart girls are as numerous as smart boys. 
They get so smart their mothers have to live in 
the wood shed when they are at home. Their 
principal talk is about parties and "fellers," and 
they chew gum because they can't think. They 
let their mothers "wash and iron" while they 
read yellow-backed novels and flirt with any 
man who will return the flirt. They call their 
mothers "old woman" and scold because she 
is not as smart as they think they are. A girl 
that calls her mother "old woman" is short on 
brains. The girl who will not respect her 
mother, often lives long enough to realize that 
she has been a fool. If so many girls did not 
get smarter than their mothers before they quit 
wearing short dresses, there would be fewer 
marriages with officers as witnesses. When a 
girl gets so smart that she thinks her mother 
knows nothing, it is time to lock her in a room 
and lose the key. Not a few girls have sent 
their mothers heart broken to the grave be- 
cause they knew so much. 



190 Lecture on Fun 



LECTURE ON FUN 

Fun is better than medicine, and don't cost 
as much. Fun has saved the Hves of more peo- 
ple than quinine. When the mind is clogged 
with business or other cares or the heart is 
bowed down, a few doses of good, wholesome 
fun judiciously given will do more to drive 
away the mists and let the rays of hope shine 
into the soul than even the wisest know of. 
Fun lifts the drooping spirit, quiets the aching 
heart, and drives the clouds of despondency 
before it like dust before the wind. Like a 
smiling maiden it trips into the sick chamber 
and the somber look, the sad countenance and 
the graveyard silence are gone, perhaps never 
to return. Cheerfulness is worth more than 
professional nurses in a sick room. Hundreds 
die sooner than they would if their room was 
not made a cemetery before there was a corpse. 
No one who is sick can improve when every- 
one about speak in whispers and look like they 
had just returned from the funeral of a near 
relative. A little fun is relished by eveiyone 
and no more by anyone than the one who is 
sick, and has been surrounded by people wear- 
ing faces that could be leased at fancy prices 
for funeral purposes. Those who cannot leave 
off the graveyard look ought to remain away 



Lecture on Fun 191 

from the sick. Only those who can look cheer- 
ful or make fun ought to hang around a sick 
man. Think of some one with a funeral look 
and a squeaky voice saying: "Why, you look 
so bad this morning; I'm afraid you will be sick 
a long time even if you ever get well." Or some 
other fool with tears creeping down both sides 
of his proboscis saying : "You breathe so much 
heavier than you did. Don't you think we'd 
better telegraph your brother?" Such idiots 
ought to be kicked out doors, over the fence 
and into a mudhole that the hogs have just 
left. Compare the feelings of the sick after 
they have heard such discouraging words with 
their feelings after some one had smiled and 
said : "You look better today. Don't you feel 
like taking a stroll across the meadow?" It 
is bad enough to be sick without having "death 
notices" posted on the walls of the room. 
Those who can't look cheerful in a sick room 
or object to a little fun there, ought to take up 
their abode in a cemetery. 

Fun like religion, is a good thing if you have 
it right. Everyone enjoys it and everyone tries 
to be funny at some time or times, but some 
try to be funny at the wrong time, or all the 
time, which is wrong. There is a time for fun 
and a time not for fun. The one who tries to be 
funny at all times is like the hen that cackles 
all the time but never lays. Nothing is more 
tiresome than the one who thinks he was born 



192 Lecture on Fun 

funny, and never finds out how much he is 
mistaken. Fun bubbles up from the soul like 
the clear water that f^ows from the spring. 
People have different ways of having fun and 
of being funny. Some men will get drunk, 
spend all their money and roll in the mud until 
it would be difficult to tell them from a real 
hog, and think they had a cargo of fun. Others 
will make love to the hired girl ''just for fun." 
Some will play jokes that cause ill feeling and 
think it is fun, and some will annoy dumb 
animals and call it fun. Some girls think it 
fun to have several "strings to their bow," 
and a string to each beau, and they marry one 
beau just for fun and find out that it is the 
most serious fun they ever met. Some boys 
think it fun to leave home and try to make their 
way in the world without the assistance of their 
parents, but soon find out there is more real fun 
on the old farm than can be found anywhere 
else. Father may get cross sometimes and 
mother may scold a little, but the storm soon 
passes over, the sun shines and the whole place 
seems boiling over with fun. The horses run 
and kick ; the cattle hold their tails at full mast 
and trot about the lot ; the swine feel so funny 
they say "boo boo," and in other ways show 
they are not sad. The roosters crow with de- 
light — and de lungs — and the hens cackle with 
joy, the birds sing, the guineas squawk, when 
they see a hawk; the turkey gobbles and 



Lecture on Fun 193 

spreads his tail, when he hears the "Bob 
White" of the quail; the cats mew, the dogs 
bark when John comes Katie to spark. 

Boys who want to have good, honest fun 
and plenty of it will stay with father and 
mother on the farm. There is the place for 
real enjoyment. One evening at the old hearth- 
stone is worth a year ''out in the cold world." 
It is the only place that is home. Be it ever so 
humble there is no place to equal it. Boys 
should not be in a hurry to leave it. They 
should stay while they can. After a while 
father and mother will go to Heaven, and it 
will not seem like home then. There will be 
no one to take their places. The old home 
will not be what it used to be. It will not be 
a place for fun. Every sound will have a 
solemn tone. The babble of the brook will seem 
sad, the murmur of the wind will have lost the 
joy of its sound, the song of the birds will no 
longer seem joyous, and all nature will sit as 
if in melancholy silence. Fortunate the boys 
and girls who have a home on the farm where 
they can grow to manhood and womanhood; 
where nature rocks them in the cradle of 
health; where the pure air of early morn 
lovingly fans their brow, the sun*s first rays in- 
spire with hope and the bloom of health is 
painted on the cheek. 



13 



194 Lecture on Devils 



LECTURE ON DEVILS 

Devils would rather do wrong for fun than 
do right for pay. They glory in keeping close 
to Satan, the king of devils, by never missing 
an opportunity to serve him. They obey his 
every wish and are proud of their slavery. If 
he says tattle, they tattle; if he says slander, 
they slander; if he says love thy neighbor's 
wife they love her ; if he says cuckold thy hus- 
band, cuckold it is; if he says stir up trouble 
by lying, trouble is stirred up; if he says rob 
and steal, they rob and steal; if he says get 
into the church and disturb its peace and quiet, 
in they go; if he says break up the home, it 
is broken up ; if he says drag a woman to ruin, 
she is dragged ; if he says murder, there is 
murder ; if he says do all other things mean and 
devilish, they are done without waste of time. 

Hell and the world are full of devils and they 
are getting more numerous every day. A fool 
is born every minute and the bigger the fool 
the easier it is for him to become a devil. A full 
fledged devil is an enemy to good society ; and 
too often it seems that the bigger the devil, 
the longer are his days on earth. Good men 
will die when devils get well. What would 
kill a saint often makes a devil feel bad It is 
a mistake for good people to be called up higher 



Lecture on Devils 195 

and leave Satan's forces in control. If a man is 
taken to another job about the time he under- 
stands how to be useful on earth it discourages 
those who would be good because of the good 
they can do. If God's best workers were 
always left on earth to battle with Satan's 
forces there would be fewer devils. Satan 
laughs when a good man dies. 

There are two kinds of devils — he and she. 
The number is about equally divided. In a 
contest for honors the result is always in 
doubt. She devils are seldom willing to ac- 
knowledge defeat, and if they fail to win they 
are always ready to contest again. 

If a woman starts out to be a devil she 
never allows a he devil to pass her. If a man 
and woman start Satanward at the same time 
she will be there and gone to bed before he ar- 
rives. Without women Hell would be a lone- 
some place; and without men there would be 
few women there — women always go where 
men are. Women are always too willing to go 
to Hell for a man. They will often accept a 
man that is a devil and reject one who is good 
and true. If women would refuse to recognize 
he devils, there would be fewer of them to be 
recognized. In this kind of idiocy women 
do not surpass men. The woman who is the 
biggest devil will often attract more good men 
than an angel. If men and women would not 
be so ready to marry devils there would be 



196 Lecture on Devils 

fewer hells on earth. Though marriage is of 
God the Devil gets a good share of the profits 
from it. 

If a woman is untrue to her marriage vows, 
she usually crowds enough devil into her life 
to arouse the envy of all the devils in Satan's 
kingdom. Such a woman can be guilt}^ of more 
hellishness than the king of devils would guess 
her to be capable of. Her deceit is original 
and without limit. A moment from the treach- 
erous embrace of her paramour devil she will 
greet her husband with a kiss and tell him how 
lonesome she has been during his absence. Few 
things are more damnable in the eyes of honest 
men than the unfaithfulness of a woman to a 
true husband. She blackens her soul and her re- 
ward is the ruin of her home ; for that is the one 
final result of playing harlot with the marriage 
vow as a shield. There is no devil that Satan 
prefers more than the wife who cuckolds a 
true husband. Women may deceive their hus- 
bands but never can they deceive God or the 
Devil. God knows they are not fit for his king- 
dom and the Devil knows they are fit for his 
kingdom. No man need go to Heaven expect- 
ing to see the woman who was his legalized 
strumpet. 

All husbands are not angels. Many of them 
are devils of the worst kind. They divide their 
affections between their wives and she devils, 
the wives receiving the lesser part. Wives are 



Lecture on Devils 197 

often driven to be devils by the devils they are 
legally tied to; and women often drive their 
husbands to the same end. It is easier for a 
devil to make a devil of an angel than for an 
angel to make an angel of a devil. If all men 
were as good to their wives as some men are to 
other men's wives the Devil would not smile so 
often. The man who deceives a loving wife 
will get a choice position in the land where 
there are no icicles. 

Evil is bold and good is timid. One devil 
can stir up more trouble in a day than a dozen 
good people can overcome in a week. Devils 
succeed because they go where they have a field 
for work. They go among good people to cor- 
rupt them, while good people go among their 
own kind, fearing the evil influences of the bad. 
Devils go to church, but saints are not seen in 
the places of evil. Most evil is accomplished 
where there is most good, and most good is ac- 
complished where there is most evil. There was 
no need of work for the Masters' cause in the 
Garden of Eden until Satan had passed that 
way. This was the Devil's first work and the 
devils have been at work ever since. They 
work continually. For thousands of years the 
battle against good has been on, and it will be 
on until God knocks all the devils off the earth. 



198 Lecture on Style 



LECTURE ON STYLE 

What is called "style" in dress ruins more 
people than whisky. It ruins them financially 
and morally. To keep up with the style the 
purse is robbed and the home mortgaged; vir- 
tue is sold; character blackened and souls 
damned. That miserable nothing, called style, 
is one of the worst curses that comes to home 
and country. It is a withering craze that finds 
beginning in the minds of those who are fools 
enough to change the cut of a coat, the make of 
a dress or the size and build of a hat every 
time some "authority" in Paris or somewhere 
else says so. Those who can afford to keep 
pace with the changes, do so without financial 
embarrassment or moral degredation; but the 
less wealthy who try to "shine" with their more 
fortunate neighbors, soon reach the bottom of 
the purse, and then, rather than retire from the 
race for show, turn to dishonesty or worse. 
The victims of style are numbered by the 
thousands. Daily it sends men to jail, and 
women to the devil, leaving wrecked homes, 
disgraced families and endless sorrow in its 
wake. That they and their wives may dress 
in the height of fashion men embezzle, rob and 
murder. That they may be arrayed gorgeously 
women barter their virtue and yet claim a right 
to respectability. 



Lecture on Style 199 

The crazy desire to follow the dictates of 
"fashion" as it is handed out by the "profes- 
sional" makers of it, is due to the fact that there 
is a streak of apishness running through hu- 
manity that crops out at different points like 
rocks from the soil. This cropping out is 
usually in those whom the thinking people 
label "dudes" and "dudines." In matters of 
dress they are walking dummies and in talking 
they are dummies walking. Some people keep 
pace with what is called style in dressing if 
they have to go hungry. They would rather 
wear fine clothes than eat three meals a day. 
They make an outward show whether their "in- 
wards" have a show or not. Many men parade 
in full dress on empty stomachs. The man who 
wears a fine coat and feasts on "wind pudding" 
is only three links removed from the monkey. 
He may have grown past winding his tail 
around a limb, but his reasoning has not been 
sufficiently developed for him to fully abandon 
his arboreal habits. This is why a dude always 
carries a stick. 

No style in men's dress was ever so absurd 
or idiotic but there were always plenty of fools 
to follow it. No matter what part is turned up 
or cut away it must be worn because it is the 
style. The old saying of "better be dead than 
out of style" is the watchword of many. Hun- 
dreds of men dress in latest style with what 
they owe. A Prince Albert coat often covers 



200 Lecture on Style 

a dishonest heart. The man who dresses in 
style at the expense of those who have trusted 
him, will receive a medal for "pure cussedness." 
He is a menace to honesty. One such man will 
injure the credit of a dozen men who would 
rather be out of debt than in style. Box-toed 
shoes, sideboard collars, pipe-stem trousers, 
pigeon-tailed coats, and trousers too long and 
turned up come and go, but common sense 
manners in dress remain from year to year. 

Style in women's dress has as many crazy 
spots as men's. Some dresses are too long at 
one end and some dresses are too short at the 
other end. If the long end of some dresses 
could be added to the short end it would not 
give some women the appearance of having 
grown out of them. Many dresses are made to 
be seen, but the part that is "out of sight" is 
usually seen the most. If women insist on put- 
ting themselves on exhibition, the men cannot 
be blamed for taking in the free shows. Women 
who wear dresses that make people think of 
Mother Eve, know but few men are blind. 

It is encouraging to know style is cutting 
dresses higher under the chin. Even men wel- 
come the passing of the "undress" style of 
dresses. Men are not fools if they are curious. 
They do not want their mothers, their wives 
and their daughters traveling back toward the 
Garden of Eden. 

While it is encouraging to know some 



Lecture on Style 201 

dresses are having more top put on them, it is 
discouraging to see sleeves chopped off until 
the arms are bare to the vaccinates. Why any 
sensible v^oman wants a dress w^ithout top or 
sleeves, is too much of a problem for an ordi- 
nary mortal to solve. It does not add to the 
grace or beauty of a v^oman to have the appear- 
ance of having just come from a butchering 
contest. For a v^oman to appear in public 
with a dress without sleeves or apex ought to 
be sufficient grounds for divorce. 

Often what a woman's dress lacks in height 
is made up in the height of the hat she wears. 
In no way does style make itself more mani- 
fest than in women's hats. It manifests itself 
in church, in the theatre and everywhere else. 
It is always in sight. Style in hats does more 
to drive people from church than poor sermons. 
Hundreds more would attend church if they 
could see the preacher. It is useless to expect 
to convert sinners when they are made to feel 
like swearing all the time the truths of the 
Bible are being hurled at them. 

Some people put on style in talking or 
singing. They seem to be ashamed of the 
sound God has given to their voices, and in try- 
ing to effect a change make bigger fools of 
themselves than nature intended. Some 
women try to improve on their voices until 
their talk sounds like a cross between a parrot 
and a choked crow. In their effort to prove to 



202 Lecture on Style 

God he does not know his business they make 
their friends tired, and the dogs feel like com- 
mitting suicide. Nothing will so quickly make 
a dog feel like escaping the torments of earth 
as to hear his mistress grinding out talk that 
sounds like a choked parrot trying to swear. 
No voice sounds as good as the one God has 
given ; and no fool is bigger than the fool who 
tries to adulterate it in talking or singing. 
There is a difference between noise and singing. 
A pig under a gate makes noise, so does a singer 
under the impression that style in singing does 
not make most people tired. Too much pecu- 
liar noise makes the soul tired, the heart weary 
and the brain whirl. No mortal can listen to 
what is often called singing three hours and 
not have symptoms of insanity. If a man has 
to die a horrible death, he ought to be extended 
some evidences of humanity — throw him in 
an old well and let him starve. 

Style even takes the knife off the table and 
compels mortal man to saw his beefsteak 
with a fork. Just what the knife has done 
that it is forced to take a vacation, has not 
been made known. If God, or anybody else 
with good sense to spare, intended that a fork 
was made to cut or saw with, he should stand 
forth. Beefsteak and boarding house pies have 
enough to endure without being mutilated with 
a fork. 



Lecture on Rich Boys 203 



LECTURE ON RICH BOYS 

Wealth is often a misfortune to boys. Many 
of them can trace their downward career to 
the day when they came into possession of a 
fortune. They were so bHnded by the gHtter 
of gold that they could see but a few feet 
in advance on the pathway of life. To them the 
world seemed to be a field for all play and no 
work. The possession of a fortune was enough 
to drive all thoughts of economy from their 
minds, and they could see no necessity for 
labor, thinking they could be lavish and yet 
always be rich. They were always taking from 
their inheritance, but adding nothing to it. No 
pleasure was too expensive for them to enjoy, 
and nothing was too costly for them to buy. 
Their wealth seemed as illimitable as the 
atmosphere, and their ability to spend it in- 
creased with their years. They went on and on 
blindly until their last dollar was gone and 
with it went many of their "best" friends. Pen- 
niless and almost friendless they awaken to a 
realization of their unenviable condition. It is 
more than easy for them to see they took 
the wrong train and landed at the wrong 
station. Perhaps friends had warned them 
they were not on the right road, but, filled 
with the false importance that money often 



204 Lecture on Rich Boys 

brings, they were too wise in their blind con- 
ceit, to heed the warning. When too late they 
see it all as they should at the beginning of 
the journey. The words of their friends are 
now before them continually, but it is too late 
to profit by them. Money caused their down- 
fall. Too often the possession of plenty of 
money drives away all forms of economy and 
stops the flow of reason. Thousands of boys 
are ruined because they inherited a fortune. 

Many parents who began business life at 
the foot of the ladder and by persistent industry 
and strictest economy accumulated much 
wealth, have a continued, crazy desire to leave 
their children enough that they will not have 
to work. They will deny themselves necessities 
and pleasures that their children may inherit 
a few hundred dollars more. It does not occur 
to them that their children have the same world 
to live in that they have, and ought to be as 
able to become wealthy as their parents. The 
blind desire to leave children independent of 
labor is as foolish as it is weak. It is folly for 
parents to want their children to live without 
work. They have worked hard from their 
youth, and why should their children give 
their lives to idleness. 

Wealth often drives out a desire for intellec- 
tual progress. Hundreds of rich boys have be- 
come mental dwarfs, who, had they been poor, 
would have been mental giants. They 



Lecture on Rich Boys 205 

possessed the power of mind needed, but, by 
the possession of wealth, were enticed to a Hfe 
of expensive ease, and the mind power was not 
developed. The mind driveled, while a fortune 
was squandered. 

More rich boys die in poverty than ever 
distinguish themselves in any of the honor- 
able avocations. They are failures because 
they place money above mind. The boy who 
is strong in money and weak in mind will 
soon be as strong in mind as in money — he will 
be lacking in both. Riches that came easy 
often go as they came. Many boys born with 
"silver spoons in their mouths" die with hunger 
in their stomachs. Few boys can resist the 
temptation to be lazy, indolent and wild when 
they know they do not have to work. Where 
one boy, whose parents are wealthy, makes a 
success in life, ten of his class are failures. 
This is not because they are not capable of 
being successful, but because they do not 
develop the powers that lift up instead of pull 
down. When a rich boy starts on the down 
grade, he gets to the bottom a hundred times 
sooner than a poor boy, because he has the 
means for making the trip in the shortest time 
possible. Usually when a rich boy gets to the 
bottom, he is there to stay ; for his money and 
friends are all gone, ^nd he didn't have sense 
enough to get a return ticket before starting. 

The mistake of many rich boys is the thought 



20G Lecture on Rich Boys 

that money makes the man. While this may 
sometimes seemingly be true, money makes 
fools of boys oftener than it seems to make 
men of them. A boy with plenty of money and 
little brains is like a balloonist with plenty of 
gas and little ballast: he will soar high and 
light hard. Many rich boys soar high while 
their money lasts, and then complain of the un- 
equal division of wealth. 

Parents are too often to blame for the wrong 
course pursued by their children. They edu- 
cate them in the love of money, but do not 
teach them the worth of an education. They 
are continually crowding money into their 
pockets, but make little effort to put knowledge 
into their heads. A boy with a full pocket and 
an empty head can be found by the noise he 
makes, while a boy with a full head and an 
empty pocket can be known by the silence he 
keeps. The hen that lays the smallest eggs 
cackles loudest. 

The boy who is rich in money and poor in 
knowledge is deserving of pity. But he is not 
to blame; his parents put on him the unbal- 
anced load. He would willingly have taken on 
less money and more knowledge if it had been 
offered. He learned what he was taught; 
believed what he heard every day in the year. 
He had a lesson each day, and the lesson v/as 
always on "Money." It was the one thought. 
The pile of money must be made higher that 



Lecture on Poor Boys 207 

he might not work when his parents were gone 
to their final rest. His mind was neglected in 
youth that he might loaf in his manhood. He 
was not permitted to spend a dollar for 
pleasure. His only enjoyment was in seeing 
the heap of money grow larger. It is little 
wonder that when it all became his that he 
sought enjoyment in its most extravagant form, 
and soon the fortune had vanished. The great 
pile of money was gone and he stood like one 
on a barren island — tired, disgusted and 
hungry. The lack of wisdom on the part of 
his parents left him a wreck ere he began to 
know money was his most dangerous enemy. 



LECTURE ON POOR BOYS 

Boys often become discouraged because they 
are poor. Seeing their playmates well dresseed 
and having plenty of money causes them to 
see only the dark side of life, and they feel more 
like giving up than pushing onward and 
upward. They see nothing but a future filled 
with hard work, while other boys revel in 
leisure and pleasure. They have never learned 
that all is not gold that glitters; that often 
those rich in youth are poor in old age. A 
poor boy is free of the temptation to spend his 



208 Lecture on Poor Boys 

days in a manner that brings disgrace to his 
home and his parents. Honest poverty is a 
legacy of which no boy has a right to be 
ashamed. It stimulates him to high and noble 
efforts, which often place him in the most 
desirable positions of honor and trust. On the 
pages of history are the names of hundreds of 
the ablest, wisest and most successful men 
who were poor boys. They began at the foot 
of the ladder, and by industry ascended round 
by round to places of greatest honor and 
responsibility. An honest heart, willing hand 
and a clear head is worth more to a boy than 
to be a millionaire. 

The poor boy who feels discouraged because 
his parents cannot leave him a fortune should 
read of the many truly great men who were in 
his class when they were boys. These lost no 
time in vain regrets. They resolved to go 
forward and went. They did not wait to ride 
with others to success, but walked rather than 
lose time. Such boys as these are not few. 
Their names are found in history during all 
time. They number such names as Columbus, 
Homer, Demosthenes, Cromwell, Franklin, 
Defoe, Virgil, Shakespeare, Burns, Napoleon, 
Astor, Burritt, Webster, Clay, Henry, Peabody, 
Vanderbilt, Girard, Lincoln, Grant, and hun- 
dreds of others who knew what it was to be 
the sons of poor parents. They did not deplore 
their condition, but went to work with a deter- 



Lecture on Poor Boys 209 

minatlon to climb higher, and trifles did not 
stop their progress. 

If a poor boy expects to be a success in 
life, he must not be discouraged at the loss of 
a dollar or frightened at the hoot of an owl. 
All along the pathway will be those seeking 
to hinder or dscourage. Many, having not the 
ability or the inclination to move forward, 
take pleasure in attempting to cause others to 
turn back. They are too lazy or too much 
lacking in ability to succeed and do all in their 
power to prevent others from doing so. 

It has been often said "the most successful 
men begin life in their shirt sleeves." It could 
as truthfully have been added, "and they kept 
their coats off until they succeeded." The 
world is indebted to the poor boys for most of 
its advancement. Had all boys been rich 
the world would be ragged and few men would 
have been great. Necessity pushes the boy out 
from home, and he is too proud to acknowledge 
he cannot make his way in the world without 
assistance, and is soon achieving success. 

Poor boys should take the world as they find 
it and not envy others. Envy breeds dissatis- 
faction and often leads to crime. If the path- 
way is smooth, travel is so easy that they do 
not profit by the journey. The way to test a 
boy's ability to go to mill is to give him a 
poor horse and send him over the roughest 
road. Then bread made from the flour he gets 

14 



210 Lecture on Poor Boys 

will taste sweeter, and he will enjoy the honor 
of making the trip in safety. The boy who 
overcomes difficulties without a murmur is the 
boy who wins. If he is poor, he realizes the 
necessity of not yielding to discouragements, 
and his chances for success are far greater than 
if he has money at command. Poverty is an 
incentive to industry, and industry brings 
success. The boy who is reared in a home 
where there is not plenty learns a lesson in 
economy that is worth more to him than to in- 
herit thousands of dollars. 

It is the poor boys who climb highest on 
the ladders of fortune and fame and remain 
there longest. Few of those who have achieved 
success in any business or profession have not 
been poor boys. Tom L. Johnson, the million- 
aire and man of honest courage who claims the 
admiration of the world, was a poor boy only 
a few years ago. By industry and obeying 
orders he soon held responsible positions and 
opportunities came to him that would never 
have been his if he had been lazy and careless 
about orders. The great need is for more Tom 
L. Johnson boys — boys who can be relied upon 
to do their work honestly and well. A boy's 
richest possession is a reputation for honesty 
and industry. It is better for the world to 
know a boy is honest and active than that he 
inherit a fortune. Such boys are so few that 
the demand for them is never supplied. Boys 



Lecture on Character 211 

who can be trusted are as scarce as honest men. 
The boy who deplores the poverty of his par- 
ents should resolve to waste no time in vain 
regrets, but congratulate himself on the splen- 
did opportunity he has for making himself 
rich by letting the world know he is honest 
and industrious. Every boy should say with 
Longfellow : — 

"Let us, then, be up and doing, 

With a heart for any fate; 
Still achieving, still pursuing; 

Learn to labor and to wait." 



LECTURE ON CHARACTER 

There are two kinds of character, good and 
bad, and there are three degrees of each. The 
good may be better or best; the bad may be 
worse or worst. Some have plenty of character 
and some have plenty of character to get. 
Character is what people are, and many are 
so near nothing that they can't have much 
character of either kind. Character is strong 
or weak, as its possessor is strong or weak. 
A weak man can't have a strong character 
any more than a fool can be wise. To accom- 
plish much for good or bad there must be a 
strong character. The weak good man cannot 
add greatly to the good, and the weak bad man 



212 Lecture on Character 

cannot add greatly to the bad. They are born, 
Hve and die and the condition of the world is 
little changed on account of them having gone 
through it. They would have accomplished 
something if they could, but they were not 
wholly to blame. Nature did not fit them for 
doing more than they did, and they quit near 
where they began. But nature was perhaps 
more kind to them than they believed. If 
they did not make progress in good or bad 
they had more friends and lost less sleep than 
those who did things. Those of strong char- 
acter accomplish something and others become 
envious, their envy often growing into hate. 
Those who push out into the fields of thought 
and action have more enemies than those who 
wait for the Car of Success to come along that 
they may jump in and ride. It is easier to sit 
on the fence and wait than it is to go down the 
road and help push. As buzzards wait for 
something to die, some people wait for some- 
thing to happen. They prefer to wait for some- 
thing to take place than make it take place. 
They allow their weakness of character to grow 
into laziness, and then blame God and the 
people for what they call misfortune. 

While nature has been unkind to some in 
the strength of character given, that is not good 
excuse for inaction. Character, like muscle, is 
capable of development. A weak character can 
he made stronger by putting it to test. Things 



Lecture on Character 213 

that seem most difficult are often the easiest 
to accomphsh. Those who never attempt more 
than they know they can do, never know all 
that they can do. So long as health and strength 
are perfect, it is always possible to go a little 
further or do a litle more than on the previous 
day. Often those who hesitate through fear 
of failure, see those of inferior ability or 
strength achieve success. It is well to stay 
close to the shore when the storm is near, but 
when the sky is clear and weather pleasant it 
is better to venture away from the ferns and 
moss. It is sometimes better to fail than not 
to have tried. 

Character like the mind, can be made to 
grow. Some have a great deal of character 
because nature gave it to them; others have a 
great deal of character because they added to 
that which nature gave them. Many boys who 
did not make their mark as boys have become 
successful men. They added to the strength of 
mind and resolution they had until they built 
up a character that was full of independence 
and individuality. If boys would add to the 
good of their characters, they must be wise in 
what they do. They cannot add to the strength 
of their minds by drinking to excess, chewing 
tobacco, keeping questionable late hours or in 
any other way robbing their strength or poison- 
ing their systems. A boy cannot lend himself to 
folly and vice without lessening his physical 



214 Lecture on Character 

and intellectual strength; and as these are 
lessened his worth as a man is decreased. It 
is not the young man who drinks most whiskey 
or smokes most cigarettes that is most sought 
by those who want capable and reliable em- 
ployes. If a boy seeks work he does not say, 
"I can smoke twenty cigarettes a day and am 
out with the boys every night until 2 o'clock." 
If a man seeks a position, he does not say, 
"I smoke ten cigars a day and drink a half 
a dozen whiskies a day, and personally know 
all the sporting women in town." These 
things are left for the employer to find out, 
and when he does find them out, he is charitable 
enough to allow it to be given out that the dis- 
charged employe ''resigned his position," thus 
encouraging him in continuing his downward 
way. If all employers would always tell why 
their employes "resigned" there would be 
more men and women, boys and girls capable 
of holding positions. If only those who are 
clean physically and morally could secure 
positions there would be thousands more who 
would be strong in the kind of character that 
is so much in demand. 

If character is what a man is, his character 
is what he makes it, and he can make it good or 
bad. He can climb the ladder that extends up- 
ward or descend the one that extends down- 
ward. He can be an honor to himself and 
friends or he can be all that he should not be. 



Lecture on Success 215 

The gates are open along both ways, and both 
are traveled by men and women but the scenery 
and stopping places are much different. The 
character of the traveler is known by the road 
he takes. The kind of a job he gets at the end 
of his journey depends on what he has been. 
He may be a "florist" or a "fireman." His 
home may be above or below. 



LECTURE ON SUCCESS 

Success comes to those who go after it. 
There is no such thing as luck. The lazy 
fool sits down and waits for Good Fortune 
to empty its horn of plenty into his lap. What 
comes to man in wealth must be earned, stolen, 
inherited of by gift. Only young birds hold up 
their mouths and wait to be fed. Man must 
work something or somebody or starve. 
Often he goes forth with honesty in his heart 
and returns full of the spirit of "do others be- 
fore they do you." 

Everybody cannot be successful any more 
than all can be wise and beautiful. There is no 
success without ability and that ability must 
be rightly applied. A man with ability to 
preach may be a failure as a lawyer or a doctor. 
Few are fitted to do more than Q\xe thing sue- 



216 Lecture on Success 

cessfully. The great secret of success is to 
know what that thing is and stick to it with a 
determination that knows no such thing as 
fail. Those who have had their names written 
high above those of the millions, did not drift 
aimlessly down the stream of Time, with eyes 
shut, listening for the Goddess of Fortune to 
call them to a feast of riches or fame. They 
started out to win and won. If misfortune 
came it nerved them to stronger effort. Men 
who succeed can be traced along the way they 
have traveled. Their steps were so firm, 
making tracks so deep and wide that they re- 
main forever to guide those who would follow 
where they lead. 

"Lives of great men all remind us 
We can make our lives sublime. 

And, departing, leave behind us 
Footprints in the sands of Time. 

"Footprints that perhaps another, 
Sailing o'er Life's solemn main, 

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, 
Seeing, shall take heart again." 

It is commendable to aspire to follow the 
footprints of great men, but the ambition to 
follow them should not exceed the ability to do 
and be something. A man with limited 
ability aspiring to be a Washington, a Lincoln, 
a Vanderbilt or a Sage is like a boy chasing a 
bear. When the ambition exceeds the ability 
there is disappointment ahead. Because a man 
makes a success of a peanut stand is no reason 



Lecture on Success 217 

he can successfully manage a department store. 
Thousands of business and professional men 
have been wrecked on this rock. Misjudged 
ability of self is where the danger so often lies. 
It is better to make a success of setting hens 
than a failure of breeding fine horses. ''Know 
thyself," said a wise man: every blade of 
grass, every bush, every tree teaches the same 
lesson. Grass does not try to be a bush nor 
does a bush try to be a tree and a tree is con- 
tent to be a tree. They grow as nature intended 
and never fail while life is theirs. The one 
who studies nature's ways will know himself; 
and no one succeeds until he does know him- 
self. 

Hundreds fail because they want to rise with 
the rapidity of a balloon. They cannot be 
patient long enough to lay a foundation for 
future use. If success does not come in a short 
time, they change their course, and continue to 
change until they know something of many 
things and nothing particular of anything. 
After repeated attempts to become wealthy or 
famous they begin to study themselves and 
learn they have been trying to do everything 
except what they are fitted to do. A man can- 
not change himself. If nature intended him to 
saw wood or clerk in a hotel, he had as well be 
contented to fill his designed place in the world 
as well as his ability will allow. 

Some fail because they mix strong drink and 



218 Lecture on Success 

business. If they have good business thoughts 
they give them a whiskey bath and then wonder 
where they go. No man can succeed when his 
back teeth are floating in corn juice. The 
stomach is the central for the telephone sys- 
tem of the human body, and the mind does 
not get proper messages when the keyboard is 
covered with whiskey. No man can make a 
creditable record in business when his brain 
gets drunken messages from his stomach. 

The lives of most of the great men teach a 
lesson that all young men should study. Hun- 
dreds of them began at the bottom and attained 
enviable positions by their own efforts. Abra- 
ham Lincoln was a rail-splitter, Ulysses S. 
Grant was a tanner, James A. Garfield was a 
driver on a canal-boat and Charles M. Schwab, 
who drew a salary of $250,000 a year, was a 
clerk at $3.50 a week when 15 years old, and 
hundreds of other poor boys have climbed high 
up the ladder of success, showing that wealth 
is not necessary to insure greatness. Wealth 
often hinders progress. The boy who has 
riches at his command too often lets his brain 
shrivel that he may develop the baser elements 
in him. A young man with a million dollars 
and a twenty-ounce brain is like a balloon with 
too much ballast — can't rise and soon "flattens 
out." 

Some are failures in life because they are too 
lazy to do anything but sit on the fence and 



Lecture on Swearing Off 219 

''pucker." They would whistle if it did not 
require some effort. Laziness is not a relative 
of success. Men who have made their mark 
were active and energetic. They did not wait 
for something to turn up but turned some- 
thing up. The hog that stirs the leaves most 
gets the greatest number of acorns. The hen 
that scratches the most has the fullest craw. 
The lazy man never gets to the front till he 
rides in a hearse. Success means action, and 
action brings its reward. 



LECTURE ON SWEARING OFF 

Swearing off belongs to the world. It is 
not peculiar to England, Ireland, Germany, 
America or any other country. Under all 
suns and in all climates swear-off pledges are 
made and broken. It is practiced in all coun- 
tries, by all classes. The rich, the poor, the 
handsome, the homely, the grave, the gay 
make promises to themselves to keep sober. 
They might well be made for many other 
faults, but seldom are. They are always made 
in faith and often broken in haste. Those who 
drink to excess often decide to quit drinking 
at the beginning of a new year. Many keep 
sacred the good resolve, but many more do 



220 Lecture on Swearing Off 

not. Such a resolve is highly commendable 
to the one who makes it, but less so to the one 
who breaks it. Though broken it is better 
than if not made; for it shows a desire for 
reform where reform is so badly needed. When 
a man resolves to snatch himself from the 
gutter, he should be encouraged by all his 
friends to remain true to his resolve. He who 
would try to induce a man to break a resolve 
to be sober is an enemy to society. He would 
drag him down when he is striving to build 
himself up. It is the duty of every self-respect- 
ing person to lend an encouraging word and 
a sustaining hand to the one who would 
throw off the curse of his life. The one who 
would not assist him deserves the burning 
condemnation of all his friends and a blazing 
reception in a place where there are no icicles. 

While swearing off is seldom used except by 
those who "drink deep and long," its worth 
is not limited. It should not apply alone to 
the drunkard. There are those who have 
greater need for its use than those who place 
themselves on a level with the swine when 
they "wallow in the ditch." Often those who 
cry most for reform in others need it more for 
themselves. If only the drunkard needed to 
reform half the church doors could be closed, 
half the ministers seek other vocations, and 
Satan reduce his working force in like propor- 
tion. 



Lecture on Swearing Oif 221 

Many who show sympathy for the man in 
the gutter need it more for themselves. The 
drunkard is often pitied by those who should 
envy him as he is, rather than what they are. 
The man who is mean to his family will wish 
his drinking friend would swear off. The 
woman who cuckolds her husband will say it 
is "such a great pity" the men who get drunk 
do not swear off. The man who has amber- 
colored teeth and lines of tobacco juice extend- 
ing from the corners of his mouth will advise 
his bibulous friend to try to be sober. The 
man who lies to his best friend that he may 
add a few dollars to his wealth, will almost 
shed tears if that friend takes a drink too 
many for sobriety. The church member who 
puts religion on as a cloak to cover up the dark 
spots in his character offers a long prayer for 
his friend who takes too much wine for his 
stomach's sake. Often a "good sister" who 
"wouldn't do anything wrong for all the riches 
in the world," except try to stir up trouble be- 
tween friends and accuse the minister of being 
too friendly with some other sister is "so sorry" 
some man outside the church "don't quit drink- 
ing and become one of us good people." Some 
young ladies who will go buggy riding with 
married men when the sun is down and the 
moon don't shine will refuse the company of 
a young man whose only fault is the lack of 
being sober at all times. Some young men who 



222 Lecture on Swearing Off 

visit houses of prostitution will advise their 
liquor-soaked friends to swear off if they want 
to associate with them. Sometimes the minis- 
ter, the elder or the deacon who sneaks in at 
the back door of a saloon at home after night, 
or walks boldly in at the front door when away 
from home will dwell long on the sin of drink- 
ing, and the necessity of total abstinence. The 
man who is seldom at home of nights because 
he is too friendly with the wife of his neighbor, 
will hope someone who takes strong drink will 
resolve to quit. Women, who are wives and 
mothers, and harlots on the sly will boil over 
with condemnation for the man who tumbles 
in the gutter, and wonder why his wife does 
not get a divorce if he does not swear off, and 
stay sworn off. And so it ever is. Through 
all the years that have passed and the years 
that will come — those who profess most sym- 
pathy or hatred for the drunkard often have 
least room to do so. It is often those who 
have the greatest faults that condemn most 
the faults of others. Pretense is not purity. 
The robber often attracts attention to himself 
by crying ''stop thief" too loud. Too often 
those who assume to have full-grown wings, 
don't have a promise of them. It is not often 
that those most ready to shun others would 
willingly consent to have a searchlight thrown 
on their characters. 



Lecture on Suckers 223 



LECTURE ON SUCKERS 

There are two kinds of suckers — those that 
live in the water and those that Hve on land. 
The former are good to eat, and the latter are 
good "to bite." A water sucker has scales on 
its body and a land sucker has scales on his 
eyes. Sometimes he sees through the scales, 
but is usually too late to benefit him. The water 
sucker has eyes in the side of its head but it 
can see a "point" much quicker than the land 
sucker who has eyes in the front part of his 
head. About the only thing that both suckers 
are alike in, is that both bite. One is always in 
the swim and the other is always trying to 
get in the swim but seldom does. One is a 
sucker whether it bites or not and the other 
is not a sucker until he bites, but usually im- 
proves every opportunity to bite. They bite 
often and hard. They would rather bite than 
not bite. So anxious are they to bite that 
they often swallow the bare hook and then 
wonder why they couldn't see in daylight. 
Were it not for the land suckers there would be 
fewer people making their living without work. 
Every time a sucker swallows a bait, some 
sharper gets a few dollars without earning 
them by the sweat of his brow. 

Those who "fish" know a sucker by sight, 



224 Lecture on Suckers 

and know when to jerk to land him. He goes 
after the bait with eyes shut and mouth open, 
and swallows it so eagerly that he rarely fails 
to pull the cork under, and hold it until he is 
landed safely. If human suckers were fit to 
eat, fish would not sell for more than two cents 
a pound. They are so plentiful. 

A man never gets too old to be a sucker, nor 
too wise to not bite. Often a statesman will 
swallow an intended bait more readily than the 
one with "room to let." It is not uncommon 
for a teacher to bite quicker than a pupil. 
Preachers bite, lawyers bite, doctors bite, mer- 
chants bite, everybody bites, the only differ- 
ence being that some bite oftener and harder 
than others. Every man or woman is a sucker, 
and can be caught. What will catch some 
will not catch others, and what will catch 
others will not catch some. Every man has his 
bait, and he always finds it somewhere along 
the much traveled pathway of life. He may 
not find it until he has started down the shady 
side of the "Hill of Life," but he finds it. The 
more mile posts he passes before he finds the 
bait, the harder he bites. Many men never 
swallow a hook until their heads are silvered 
and then bite so hard that the Lord wishes 
he had called them in while they could truth- 
fully say : 

Many years o'er me have flit, 
And I never bit a little bit. 



Lecture on Suckers 225 

It is well that boys become suckers early in 
manhood. They will then not bite so readily 
when older. "Teach a boy the way he should 
go and he will not depart from it." He can in 
no way quicker learn that fire burns than to 
get burnt. The boy that becomes a sucker 
early in life will shy around the suspicious- 
looking bait when he is older. Better be a 
young fool than an old one. Suckers can 
always be caught, no matter what the bait, 
if it is in the right water. The man who can- 
not catch a sucker, now and then, is a failure, 
and ought to surrender his place to someone 
who knows how to fish. 

Perhaps Cupid is the greatest and most 
successful angler alive or dead. He catches 
all kinds of suckers, old and young, short and 
tall, fat and lean, green and ripe, wise and un- 
wise and otherwise. He throws out a hook 
baited with love and lands a few good 
fish. He tries a hook baited with money 
and the suckers are so thick trying to 
swallow the bait and hook that they resemble 
a gang of tramps invited to a free lunch. 
Women are as big suckers as men when Cupid 
uses money for bait. Hundreds of young 
women eagerly swallow money-bait when they 
know they are to be landed by an old man 
who has plenty of wealth and no health. They 
think they can stand it to be an old fool's 
darling until he runs out of breath ; then they 

15 



226 Lecture on Suckers 

will have enough money to insure a big gang 
of younger suckers to choose from. Money is 
the only bait that all suckers jump after. 

Honor that comes from holding office is the 
bait that next is sought by suckers. Sometimes 
it is desirable, sometimes it is not. People have 
such a strong desire to hold office that they 
will fight each other for any little 2x4 position 
in sight. Men will often give up a good paying 
position to get an office with a much smaller 
salary. In this women have as little sense 
as men. They will snap up a tiresome little 
office as eagerly as a spider would a fly, and 
often become so puffed up with importance 
that they can't see women who keep house 
and try to make their home pleasant and their 
husbands happy. Because they are not suckers 
enough to bite at office bait, they are snubbed 
by some who happen to draw a salary from the 
state or government. 

The most-to-be-pitied sucker is the one that 
will get caught on the same bait more than 
once. He is a full brother of the one who tries 
to beat another at his own game. Were it 
not for these kinds of suckers the fakirs would 
be compelled to go to work or steal outright. 
Were it not for suckers there would be no 
^'street fairs" and "street carnivals." Were it 
not for suckers there would be no gambling 
rooms. Were it not for suckers there would be 
no "traveling swindlers." Were it not for suck- 



Lecture on Worrying 227 

ers there would be more people trying to make 
an honest living. Were it not for suckers there 
would be fewer unhappy homes. Were it not 
for suckers there would be fewer fools. Were 
it not for fools there would be no suckers. 



LECTURE ON WORRYING 

With many this is a world of worry. They 
worry all the day and dream things at night 
that worry them all the next day, thus making 
life one continual round of misery. They 
always find something to fret about. The 
weather is too hot or too cold. Their friends 
do not do just as they would like to have them 
do. It rains too much or it don't rain enough. 
The wind blows too hard or it blows too little. 

With them nothing is ever just right, and 
they threaten to enter into competition with the 
Creator by making a world of their own. Per- 
haps the only thing that prevents them from 
doing so is that they don't want to drive him 
out of business. But even if they made a world 
of their own it would not suit them, for they 
are always as much dissatisfied with what they 
do as they are with what others do. Neither 
God, man nor the Devil can do anything to 
suit them. 

Thousands of people never see anything but 



228 Lecture on Worrying 

the dark side of life. No clouds with silver 
linings ever cross their vision. No stars of 
hope ever twinkle their merry light across their 
pathway. No sun of happiness ever sheds its 
strengthening rays through the dusted win- 
dows of their souls. No moonbeams of cheery 
gladness fall upon their lives, made weary by 
continual worry, fret and stew. They know 
nothing of the sweets of life, because every- 
thing to them is sour. They drink in eagerly 
the vinegar of discontent and make faces at 
the nectar of happiness and contentment. Like 
a mean mule, they always find something to 
kick about. Instead of planting the seeds of 
hope in the heart, causing it to grow, they sow 
it full of seeds of doubt, causing it to shrivel 
until it becomes as useless for what it was in- 
tended as is a stone for food. 

People who are always worrying are a load 
to themselves and everybody else. They worry 
until they feel that life is a burden and they 
would like to die, and everybody around them 
shares the same feeling. But when the time 
comes for them to "lie down to pleasant 
dreams" — if such a thing is possible for them — 
they worry for fear they will meet a lot of 
people they don't like. If Death should call 
for them when they are in one of their strongest 
I-want-to-die moods they'd worry because 
they didn't know it in time to comb their hair 
and put on their best clothes. The one who is 



Lecture on Worrying 229 

always wanting to die, seldom gets ready to 
take passage for that undiscovered country. 

The home that has a worrying wife or a 
worrying husband is half in darkness. God 
pity the man or woman who has a worrying 
companion. A millstone about the neck would 
not be a greater weight. A wife that is never 
satisfied, can drive her husband to suicide, 
and a husband that knows nothing but worry, 
can drive the wife to seek divorce. Children 
brought up in a home where all is worry, stew 
and fret never know whether to laugh or cry. 
They have never seen a cloudless day in the 
home and are strangers to a fireside where 
all is peace and joy and love. 

Worry is the undertaker's friend, because 
it shortens life. It is also the lawyer's friend, 
because it promotes divorce proceedings. 
People who worry continually are always ail- 
ing; therefore worry is the doctor's friend. 
People who worry morning, noon and night, 
and most of the time between, never have 
healthy livers, because they never get any 
rest — that sweet, balmy rest that ''knits the 
raveled sleeve of eare," and does away with 
tendencies to despair. 

No home can be full of cheer and sunshine 
when it contains a soul loaded with borrowed 
care and anxiety. People who are always 
borrowing trouble, never have time to hunt 
contentment. They climb hills where there are 



230 Lecture on Worrying 

none and step high where the ground is level. 
They see things that do not exist and scent 
odors that do not arise. They magnify a mole 
hill until it is a mountain. They grope in 
the darkness when there is plenty of light in 
the next room. They are so blinded to the 
bright side of Ife that every look into the 
future reflects a shadow. 

If you are inclined to worry- 
Borrow fancied trouble and care — 

Don't give way to the feeling; 
For you've not a year to spare. 

If afflicted with stew and fret, 
And everything, you think, goes wrong, 

Don't believe there is no light — 
The sun is sure to shine ere long. 



Lecture on Domestic Trouble 231 



LECTURE ON DOMESTIC TROUBLE 

The numerous divorce cases are enough to 
make married people, old maids, old bachelors, 
dudes and other animals wonder what all the 
trouble is about. And the more they wonder 
the more they will want to call in help to assist 
in determining what is the cause of so much do- 
mestic difference. So much unhappiness in the 
home is enough to drive Cupid out of business. 
It is little wonder there are so many old maids 
and old bachelors when so many of those who 
commit matrimony are wanting to be divorced. 
They are foolish enough to think they would be 
no more fortunate than the divorce seekers. 
They seldom take time to consider why so 
many matches that some say are made in 
Heaven are unmade in a hotter place; that is, 
the home is a hell until the tie is untied and the 
ill-matched birds are free. 

There are many reasons why there is not 
happiness in all homes. Perhaps the greatest 
trouble is the lack of good, common sense in 
selecting life-partners. Often people who ex- 
hibit good sense in everything else are the worst 
fools when it comes to getting married. Men 
who would select a horse with the utmost care, 
always getting a good one, seem to shut their 
eyes and grab when selecting a wife. And 



232 Lecture on Domestic Trouble 

many women seem to choose husbands in the 
same manner. Then after they get each other 
they wonder what on earth they were thinking 
about; and sometimes will be idiotic enough 
to claim they were hypnotized. Too often the 
hypnotism was caused by the prospect of 
plenty of money and a life of ease, or a position 
in society. Men or women who are fools 
enough to think riches a good substitute for 
love ou^ht to have the soft spots in their 
heads bake ^ until the wheels get to turning in 
the right direcu ^ 

Some homes are strangers to happiness be- 
cause there is no more love on the part of one 
or both than is common among dumb brutes. 
The husband may regard his wife as a slave, 
intended to cook, wash and serve him. The 
wife may have married him because she 
thought she couldn't get anyone else, and cares 
less for him than she does for some other men. 
Such a couple is like a balky team — never of 
the same mind at once. 

There is domestic trouble in some homes 
because the husbands are not at home enough 
to get acquainted with their wives. They 
make their homes as a hotel — a place to eat and 
sleep — and are seldom there at other times. 
The wife tires of living alone and longs to be 
free once more. Perhaps another has spoken 
kindly to her and she begins to think there 
are better fish in the sea than she caught. 



Lecture on Domestic Trouble 233 

and longs to try her luck again. It often hap- 
pens that a good man has a bad wife or a good 
wife a bad man. In either case the lawyer is 
sure to get a fee. 

Many men are no more entitled to a good 
wife than the Devil is to a seat in Heaven. 
They go home drunk, curse the wife, frighten 
the children and vomit until the home more 
resembles the pen of a wild boar than the 
abode of a human. When the wife gets so 
tired of such treatment that she can't rest, she 
goes back to the home of her childhood, re- 
solved to die or be free. But she seldom dies 
very soon, unless the husband gets drunk and 
goes gunning for her. 

Some separations may be the result of the 
wife and the husband never having a pleasant 
word for each other. So far as evidence of 
love — that pure and holy love that makes the 
home a heaven — is concerned, they are as two 
strangers. Yet while there is no warmth of 
affection they make it hot — very hot — for each 
other; so hot that everything seems to sizzle. 
The sizzling continues until the "pot of 
trouble" boils over, and puts out the little 
blaze of love Cupid has been trying to keep 
burning, in the hope that the fools might have 
a little sense before it is too late. 

Often parents are to blame for the domestic 
troubles of their daughters by pushing them 
into society while they are in the short-dress 



234 Lecture on Domestic Trouble 

stage and allowing them to marry before they 
know the difference between love and desire. 
Think of a school girl, who has not outgrown 
the trundle bed, becoming a wife, perhaps a 
mother. She may be able to bake bread and 
she may not. After a while she begins to 
wonder what she is here for, longs to be some- 
where else, and goes. God never intended that 
the homes of the land should be presided over 
by kid wives. Neither did He intend the 
heads of families should be school boys, who 
can't stay away from their mothers a week 
without crying to go home. 

Less trouble in the home is one of the 
great needs, yet it is a need that is seldom 
even talked about. People in their mad rush 
to get rich or places of honor say of the 
quarreling couple, "Let 'em fight it out." 
Often the kind words of a peacemaker might 
open the maddened eyes of husband and wife 
and prevent separation and divorce. But the 
kind words are not spoken, and the quarreling 
ends in divorce or death. The result might 
have been prevented if any one had tried. But 
no one had time. The world was too busy 
smashing saloons, getting rich and running 
for office. But, after all, perhaps it was just 
as well. The kind-hearted peacemaker might 
have been killed and the following placed on 
his tombstone : ''This fool was killed while try- 
ing to make peace betv/een two bigger fools." 



Lecture on Kissing 235 



LECTURE ON KISSING 

Kissing is as old as the Garden of Eden. 
Adam discovered it when he was hunting 
trouble, and, like Columbus, he never realized 
the greatness of his discovery until after his 
death. Neither did he realize that the good 
that men do sometimes lives after them. It 
is perhaps, just as well that the science (for it 
is a science) of kissing, like most other impor- 
tant discoveries, was accidental. For awhile 
Adam was the only man that profited by his 
discovery. He did not mean to be exclusive, 
but wanted to thoroughly test his discovery 
before he gave it to the world. He tried it 
on every woman on earth, and it worked like 
a charm on each charmer. Each one pro- 
nounced it "perfectly lovely," "real sweet," 
and "just the thing for old and young." One 
lady gave him the following testimonial : 

Mr. Adam : — Your discovery beats anything 
I have tested. It makes me feel like I was the 
only woman on earth. It ought to be in every 
home, and used as regularly as baking powders. 

EVE. 

When Adam was sure it was a success, and 
could be used in all climates he gave it to the 
people to have and to use until the dawning of 
eternity. He sold no state, county or township 



236 Lecture on Kissing 

rights. It was free as the water and lasting as 
time. It can be used in more ways than a 
patent clothes rack. The rich can use it on 
the rich, the poor on the poor or the rich and 
poor can use it on one another; the husband 
and wife can use it together, the husband use 
it on the hired girl or the wife on the hired 
man. Like Pinkerton detectives, it is best 
adapted for "secret service," although it is 
often used in public by women, relatives and 
fools. Among those in the latter class are 
brides who allow the ministers to seal the 
words of the marriage ceremony by kissing 
them, or the brides and grooms who kiss each 
other soon as they are pronounced double. 
Women kiss each other to show the men what 
they expect. It is a silly practice that is not 
always without harm. 

There are few who know how to properly 
give or take a kiss. Some grab it like a tramp 
would a piece of fried chicken; some hold on 
like a pup to a bone; some soar around it like 
a buzzard around a carcass; some sit down 
and wait for it to come to them, and some 
don't know enough to take it when it arrives; 
others take it as if there was no danger of it 
getting away. The best way to take a kiss is 
to take it calmly, gracefully and tenderly. If 
it is ready to be taken there is no need to be 
in a hurry. A kiss that is ripe stays right 
where it is until picked. Some authorities say 



Lecture on Kissing 237 

the man should be the taller to insure the high- 
est possible blissfulness in a kiss, but that is 
only somebody's opinion. Only a fool would 
miss taking a kiss were it a little higher or 
a little lower than his osculator. 

According to the Bible there are several 
kinds of kisses, among them the ''deceitful 
kiss," the "holy kiss," the ''kiss of charity," the 
"fall-on-the-neck kiss," and the kiss on the feet. 
It is recorded "a woman washed his feet with 
tears and wiped them with the hair of her head 
and did kiss his feet." It is not stated why a 
woman would "stoop so low" as to kiss a 
man's feet. But it may have been then as 
now, some men's mouths were so filthy that 
their feet was a more inviting place to plant 
a kiss, especially after they were washed with 
tears and wiped with golden tresses. Some 
men's mouths are no more fit to be kissed 
than a bung hole in a slop barrel. 

It is recorded that men used to kiss each 
other, but they quit that long ago. They got 
tired of mixing tobacco juice and the smell of 
different brands of whiskey. Besides, they 
found they had no time for foolishness if they 
kissed the women all they wanted to be 
osculated. While men will not kiss where the 
smell of sour mash and the stink of tobacco 
is, thousands of women are not so particular. 
They will mix the sweetness of a kiss with the 
sourness of a "sour mash" as eagerly as some 



238 Lecture on Kissing 

people eat limbiirger cheese. When a sweet- 
Hpped, rosy-cheeked, tender-eyed girl allows a 
snoot that is colored with the juice of tobacco, 
and scented with the smell of "rot-gut" to be 
pushed against her face, it is enough to disturb 
the rest of Mother Eve. Such a sight is 
enough to make the women angels weep and 
fall from their seats of honor in the New 
Jerusalem. No man has a right to kiss a pure 
souled woman unless his mouth is clean and 
his breath is pure. As long as young women 
receive kisses from young men with amber- 
colored lips and breath loaded with doubtful 
odors, that long will they be expected to do 
so. They should at least demand that enough 
time pass between the chewing and drinking 
and kissing for nature to purify and water and 
soap cleanse. 

Of course, some women get tired of waiting 
to be kissed and never miss a chance. 
Thousands of women have never been kissed — 
that they can remember. When they were 
little tots with golden curls and dimpled cheeks 
some smart young men, who would rather lie 
than eat turkey, might have kissed them and 
promised they would make them their sweet- 
hearts and turtle doves when they got big and 
homely, but that was so long ago, that it 
would be too severe a strain on their memories 
to try to recall those happy days. And many 
of these women never had what is called a 



Lecture on Old Bachelors 239 

husband. They do not know how hicky they 
have been. 

But what is kissing, that nothing that has 
so moved the world. It is as much sought 
after as a jack rabbit in Oklahoma, yet it 
yearly undoes its thousands. Men have given 
up home and Heaven for a kiss ; for a kiss men 
have lost their thrones and went to their graves 
unwept and unsung; for a kiss women have 
forsaken home and friends and died of remorse 
in an almshouse. A kiss may mean life or it 
may mean death. It may lead to light or it 
may lead to darkness. It may make Heaven 
sure; it may make Hell certain. Beware! 



LECTURE ON OLD BACHELORS 

An old bachelor is an animal without a tail 
and often not much of a head. He usually be- 
longs to some family and always can be classed. 
Though he often ''makes a monkey of himself," 
he is not arboreal, but will sometimes climb a 
tree if a woman appears suddenly and will not 
"come down," though she calls him pet names 
and promises not to harm him. Sometimes a 
woman gets an old bachelor "treed" when there 
are no trees in sight. At such times he will 
often become tame enough to allow her to 
"touch" him — for a diamond ring. Sometimes 



240 Lecture on Old Bachelors 

he will even permit her to pat him under the 
chin. When an old bachelor will allow a 
woman to caress the place where whiskers 
grow, he is ready to surrender. No bachelor, 
young or old, can resist chin caressing. One 
pat under the chin will do more to win his 
heart than twelve hours of flattery. A man 
will doubt words of praise, but the moment 
a woman's hand lovingly touches his chin he 
is helpless. Old maids who did not know this 
are expected to send liberal remittances by 
first mail. 

Some women never capture an old bachelor 
because they are too sudden in their move- 
ments. They are as easy to catch as a lame 
goose if the proper course is pursued. They 
are so peculiar that they never like to have it 
thought they are "easy." If a woman wants to 
catch one of these cautious animals, she has 
only to convince him she is trying to catch 
another of his kind. He will then become as 
bold as a lion and as im-pressive as a bear. 
Old bachelors want to be captured, but they 
don't want it to seem they want to get rid 
of themselves. It is difficult for an old maid 
to capture an old bachelor because they are 
always suspicious of each other. That is why 
old maids so often marry boys in their teens 
and old bachelors rob trundle beds to get 
wives. In either case they ought to be arrested 
for cruelty to animals. One sensible old maid 



Lecture on Old Bachelors 241 

is worth a house full of school girls for a wife, 
yet hundreds of old bachelors are blind to this 
fact until it is too late. School girls are all 
right in their place and their place is at home 
with their parents until they learn why they 
were born. 

Like most other live animals, the old bach- 
elor was born and never died, though he some- 
times wishes he had. While he seems to be 
happy in his loneliness, he always expects to 
become less lonely. He has heard or read of 
the married state and thinks it would be a 
capital idea to learn something of its "re- 
sources." He has heard of others becoming rich 
soon as they got to that state, and wants to 
know more of the matrimonial Klondyke where 
the smiles of Fortune are as the summer's sun 
beating upon the hillslope's south side. After 
years of waiting and wondering he longs to 
know something of its mysteries. After decid- 
ing to shed his natural state he is anxious to 
know what he is worth in the market, and 
worries because younger and perhaps greener 
pumpkins are selected while he remains upon 
the shelf. He sees them go and wonders 
when his turn will come. He wants someone 
to take pity on him and lead him where the 
roses bloom, the doves coo and the rippling 
waters sparkle in the golden sunlight. No 
bachelor gets so old that the "coo of a dove" 
does not lift his soul and make his heart beat 

16 



242 Lecture on Old Bachelors 

with increased hope. When an old bachelor 
would rather hear cooing than attend to busi- 
ness, he is not worth fifteen cents to himself 
or anybody else until he becomes sane again. 
An old bachelor in love is useless except to 
assist Cupid. When an old bachelor falls in 
love, no one credits him with having more 
than half sense until it is all over. Then he 
thinks he is the smartest man in town, even if 
he did marry someone that nobody else 
wanted. An old bachelor getting married is 
usually like buying lots at auction — he allows 
others to get all the best ones and takes choice 
of what is left. If old bachelors knew as much 
about selecting wives as they think they do 
they would all have wives with wings. 

Some are old bachelors from choice, some 
from necessity and some because they were 
born single. "Choice" often means that some 
other man was taken. All old bachelors like 
to have it appear they could get married if 
they wanted to, even to claiming they will 
never marry. When a man announces he will 
never marry, it is certain he has lost a case in 
"court." Some men remain single all their days 
because they have such a high estmate of 
themselves that only an angel could meet 
their ideal of woman. The man farthest from 
being perfect often expects Cupid to favor 
him in furnishing a life companion. If some 
men could marry women as good as they think 



Lecture on Popularity 243 

they are there would be no limit to the num- 
ber of angel raisers on earth. 

There is no disgrace in being an old bachelor, 
but it's inconvenient when someone is needed 
to blame things on that did or didn't take place. 
Only those who have wives know of their value 
at such times. If the men who have long failed 
to secure a life partner realized the worth of 
wives when others are needed to fasten the 
blame on, there would be a closing-out sale 
rush in the matrmonial market. 



LECTURE ON POPULARITY 

Popularity is a common craze. Next to love 
of money it is humanity's greatest misfortune. 
As thousands would rather be rich than honest, 
thousands more would rather be popular than 
rich or honest. Popularity is their heaven, and 
they follow its guiding star, even if it takes 
them to the place where it is too hot to raise 
flowers. They would rather have it said they 
met the fancy of the people than to do good. 

Honest popularity is commendable. It is 
praiseworthy to be esteemed without an eflFort 
to win admiration. Truth does not need to 
be placarded; honesty is known without a 
letter of introduction ; true popularity is known 
by first sight. The man who follows the 



244 Lecture on Popularity 

promptings of his heart and does his duty, as 
he sees it, without thought of pleasing or dis- 
pleasing those about him is a hero. It is better 
to have popularity come unsought and un- 
beckoned than to sit among the rich men and 
feast on the morsels of praise that fall from 
their lips. The man who seeks popularity is a 
fraud, a deceiver and often a devil. Such peo- 
ple are found in all walks of social, professional 
and financial life. The madness for popularity 
often leads misguided mortals to the very gates 
of perdition. Men often seek to be popular 
through mammon. They give a few dollars for 
church, charity or some other worthy cause 
and because of the gift expect to be pointed out 
as one worthy of confidence and esteem. Many 
men try to, and some do, win favor with 
anxious parents and their daughters through 
a display of wealth. A rich young man with 
a vacant face, an empty head and a soul 
steeped in blackness is often a social hero, 
when one with a pure heart, honest brain and 
intelligent look must pose as a "wall flower" 
and goes home early, hating the day he was 
born. In fashionable society, and in many 
other cases, money counts for more than 
brains. If it were possible many young men, 
in discouragement, would trade a pound of 
brainrs for four ounces of gold. Lack of money 
to conduct a courtship in the modern way, 
often drives young men from the college into 



Lecture on Popularity 245 

stores, where they take money that is not 
their own to satisfy the desire of some fool 
female who would rather feast on fine candies 
and sleigh ride, at a dollar an hour to her 
"steady," than to have him know when 
Columbus discovered America or why the Pil- 
grim fathers crossed the ocean. 

Men seek to engage in business or pro- 
fessions thought to be popular without regard 
to the ability they possess. So long as this is 
true there will be men preaching who ought 
to be sawing wood ; some expounding law who 
ought to be pounding iron ; some writing, who 
ought to be digging and some giving medicine 
that ought to be "taking a vacation." 

The crazy desire to be in the "popular 
swim" often leads people into certain clubs. 
In joining clubs and societies, popularity rather 
than worth is considered. Some would not be- 
come a member where poor people are found 
and others would not have their names enrolled 
where those of the "best people of the town" 
are not written. The good the club or society 
may be accomplishing is not considered. Most 
people would rather be popular than do good. 

Perhaps more craziness for popularity is 
seen in the churches than anywhere else. 
There is desire to get into the church that has 
the largest or most fashionable membership, 
the finest church or the most wealthy members. 
Especially is this true of those engaged in 



246 Lecture on Popularity 

business. What the creed, or the amount of 
Bible preached is secondary. In the desire to 
win new patrons to business, money is put 
above "dictates of conscience," and one of the 
most solemn sentences in the Declaration of 
Independence is lost sight of. As long as there 
are hundreds who would rather sell a few 
dollars worth of goods or receive a few extra 
fees than follow their conscience in worship- 
ing God, the Devil will not have to advertise 
for business or professional men. Although 
women have a decided jealousy in dress, many 
of them would not unite with a church where 
the hats were not up to date, and almost up 
to the sky; the dresses made by the latest pat- 
terns, and glasses worn for "style." If some 
women associate with those more plainly clad, 
they become so disgusted with themselves 
that they lose all the love of God in their 
hearts, and it takes them a month to get up 
steam again. 



Lecture on Jealousy 247 



LECTURE ON JEALOUSY 

Jealousy is a mind poison. It is a rotten 
place in the heart. No mind is healthy that is 
tainted with it; no heart is at rest that gives 
it encouragement. It is a child of Satan doing 
the will of its father. The man of wealth and 
the man of poverty are alike its victims. The 
homely and the beautiful fall before it like 
snow melts under a warm sun. It grows and 
thrives in all grades of gray matter. The one 
of scant brains becomes its slave ; the mediocre 
yields almost as readily, and the wisest give up 
after a fruitless effort to not surrender. Then 
Satan laughs a good deal. He knows a victory 
over one strong in mind makes easier victory 
over others. The failure of an equal lessens 
the power of resistance in others. Many have 
given up because others have fallen. If the 
devil captures one rich in ability to resist, 
others equally strong are ready to capitulate 
on any terms he may ask. 

Jealousy has done much to populate Hell. 
It has ruined men ; disgraced women ; wrecked 
happy homes; murdered the husband and the 
wife; slain the children, and left ruin in its 
wake. No home is safe when it enters. It 
sneaks in when least expected and plants the 
seeds of suspicion which soon grow a crop 



248 Lecture on Jealousy 

of trouble. A heart with one seed of jealous 
suspicion in it is never at complete rest. 
Like the deer of the forest it wakes and starts 
at the least sound. It sees when half awake, 
and hears when deaf. 

Were it not for jealousy many lawyers would 
be in some other business. Jealousy is the 
cause of half the divorces and one-fourth of 
the murders. Daily hundreds of fretful lovers 
kill coquettish sweethearts and themselves, or 
one or the other take the "long journey" alone. 
Many a poor fool blindly jealous has sent his 
soul hence because his love was not returned; 
and others have taken their lives because their 
love was returned. The fair damsel who re- 
jected the Romeo and his love, perhaps lived 
till she died a natural death, was buried, and 
her friends said ''poor thing." 

The home has no greater enemy than 
jealousy; it drives out contentment; destroys 
happiness, and darkens the horizon with threat- 
ening clouds. It robs the husband of his man- 
hood ; makes a demon of the wife, and the home 
a hell. It kills love; murders domestic happi- 
ness and sets fire to the wreck it has caused. 
Though it always tears down and never builds 
up there are thousands ready to entertain it. 
A wife listens to the evil whisperings ; a hus- 
band questions not the fiendish purpose, and 
soon the happiness of the home is in ruins. 

Husbands and wives who give cause for 



Lecture on Jealousy 249 

jealousy should turn back on the dangerous 
road they travel ere they are the victims of 
their own folly. The man who reserves his 
caresses for women other than his wife, will 
sooner or later reap the harvest he has sown. 
The wife who growls at her husband and 
smiles at other men, invites a reward that will 
weigh her heart down with bitter sorrow. The 
man who regards his home as a hotel — a place 
to get meals and sleep — will learn when too 
late that jealousy came into his home because 
he seldom failed to be out. Wives who leave 
their husbands at home while they are driving 
or walking with their "cousins" are sure to be 
asked for explanations they cannot make and 
soon the worst has happened. There are hun- 
dreds of wives who have never learned to be 
true to their husbands. The great wonder is 
that many can live with their wives and seem- 
ingly be happy. Yet it is no greater wonder 
than that many women can live with their hus- 
bands and never suspicion what beasts they 
are. In the eyes of all that is moral and decent, 
hundreds of poor, deluded wives would be jus- 
tified in taking the lives of the animals they 
call husbands. If Hell becomes the home of 
all who should join hands there, there will 
be thousands of wives in Heaven without 
male escorts. 

Jealousy does not alone disturb the quiet of 
the home. It lifts its venomous head in social 



250 Lecture on Jealousy 

and business life. Some cannot digest their 
food well if others are seen wearing better 
clothes; some are jealous of the associates of 
their friends and cannot feel happy if they 
cannot monopolize the friendship of those 
they call their best friends. Some women are 
uneasy if they see a hat ornamented with 
more tips and tails than the ones they wear. 
Not a few are discontented if some of their 
friends wear a dress of later pattern. Socially 
there is less jealousy among the men than 
among the women, but there is yet room for 
better exhibition of good judgment. Men often 
become so jealous of each other that they 
would willingly see one of their number cast 
into prison or banished. The Athenians voted 
to ostracize public men who became obnoxious 
to them. This practice was put in force when 
two of the ablest men became such enemies 
of each other that it was thought best for the 
country that one of them be banished. For 
this reason when Aristides, called the Just, 
and Themistocles so bitterly opposed each 
other, a vote was taken to determine which 
should remain among his people. When the 
people were voting a man to whom Aristides 
was unknown, asked him to write a name on 
the shell used for voting. When asked by 
Aristides what name he should write, he re- 
plied ^'Aristides." "Pray what injury has he 
done you?" was asked? "Oh, none but I am 



Lecture on Jealousy 251 

tired of hearing him called the Just," said 
the voter. The spirit shown by this ignorant 
man has never disappeared. There are 
always those who tire of hearing others 
praised. They are jealous of the good name 
others may have, and would gladly see them 
suffer some misfortune that they may profit. 
There are always those who are glad to build 
on the ruins of the lives of others. 

In business life there is the same vile spirit. 
Some are sick at heart if others succeed, no 
matter if they have done so unaided by friends. 
They would without a feeling of sympathy 
see the well-earned fruits of labor vanish that 
a jealous spirit may be satisfied. As the voter 
was tired of hearing Aristides called the Just, 
there are many capable of tiring of hearing it 
said some one has been successful in business. 
Usually the one who is jealous of the success 
of others has been a failure in life's work. The 
man who has succeeded by his own efforts is 
glad to know that others are in his class; and 
if opportunity ofifers, reaches down and takes 
the hand of the one who is honorably ascending 
the ladder of success. 



252 Lecture on Fitness 



LECTURE ON FITNESS 

Every man is fit for something. To be 
successful he must fit himself to that some- 
thing. No one is able to change the qualities 
that are in him, though cultivation may v^ork 
wonders. There are good and bad qualities 
in every man, and the one that is most devel- 
oped becomes most prominent in his life. If 
the good and bad qualities are equally balanced, 
and the man associates with the better class of 
people the better qualities will be developed 
while the evil tendency of his nature will be- 
come less evident. If the association is with 
the class inclined to evil, that quality will be 
developed and the better qualities will be less 
evident. The boys who are constantly asso- 
ciated with boys whose idea of a hero rises no 
higher than the Jesse James type will not be- 
come men who lead in the work that makes 
the world better. The boy whose associations 
are with those who seek to build up character, 
will not become a leader of a band of high- 
waymen. Fitness is the first qualification, 
and this must be assisted by proper develop- 
ment. 

To determine what vocation man is fitted to 
follow, he should study himself. "Know thy- 
self" are words that should be his constant 



Lecture on Fitness 253 

aim. "The proper study of mankind is man" ; 
and self is the man that most needs to be 
studied. The man who does not study him- 
self until he knows himself, is a failure. 
If he does not fully know himself, he does not 
know what he is capable of doing. So far as 
placing a proper estimate on his abilities he 
is but little better prepared than the dog that 
bays at the mjoon. 

That hundreds of people have never studied 
themselves, is evident to those who look about 
them. They are on every hand that fail be- 
cause they undertake to do something for 
which they are not fitted. There is no busi- 
ness or profession that is not weighted with 
those who have engaged in some line of work 
without first learning whether they have any 
of the qualities necessary to success in it. 
Because a man is what the world calls ''smart" 
is not a proof that he can be successful in any 
business he may choose to enter. He may 
become a successful lawyer, yet fail as a minis- 
ter. He might be a good lecturer, though a 
poor professor in a college. He may win honor 
as a political speaker, yet fail as a campaign 
manager. There are many men trying to fill 
a pulpit that ought to be sawing wood. There 
are plenty of men starving as lawyers who 
could eat three meals a day if they were mer- 
chants. Hundreds of men are dabbling in poli- 
tics and sleeping with their friends that could 



254 Lecture on Fitness 

have homes of their own if they would go to 
farming. It is better to be a well-fed farmer 
than a hungry politician. In their desire to 
get an ''easy job" many men drag themselves 
and their families into poverty. Hundreds of 
wives and children go hungry and half clad 
because the husbands thought they were 
smarter than they were. 

Overestimating ability is one of the most 
common mistakes. A few make mistakes of 
underestimating. On the farm are men who 
ought to be on the platform, if a reasonable 
time were given to developing the gifts of 
nature. There are men working for wages who 
could be great leaders if proper cultivation of 
abilities were had. Many of the great men 
have come from the forge and the farm. They 
were fitted for something higher and when 
they came to know themselves advancement 
soon followed. Wealth is not brains. Station is 
not wisdom. The power of a man's ability 
cannot be estimated by the amount for which 
he can write a check. Man may be powerful 
in wealth and weak in brains. Fortunes are 
often squandered because the possessors were 
not fitted to retain them. The wheels in their 
heads were not properly adjusted, and the 
riches were soon gone. The money that came 
easy went fast and left them much poorer; 
perhaps but little wiser. The man who will 
spend a fortune foolishly would not keep 



Lecture on Fitness 255 

another if he had it. The man who cannot see 
a brick wall until he flattens his nose against 
it will never have better eyesight. 

If no one engaged in a business he was 
not fitted for, there would be few failures. 
If people were always permitted to select a 
profession for themselves there would be fewer 
lawyers, doctors, preachers and teachers. Par- 
ents are too often the cause of their children 
engaging in professions for which they are no 
more fitted than an owl is for singing. 

Parents often want their sons to be lawyers 
or doctors because of some fancied fitness. 
They even urge them to enter a profession 
against their will. Because a boy likes bottles 
is no evidence he ought to be a doctor. If a boy 
is a good talker it is no sign he ought to be 
a lawyer. A lover of bottles may be an evi- 
dence of fitness for a bar tender; and ability 
to talk may indicate fitness for an auctioneer. 
If ability to talk shows fitness for a lawyer, 
most of the women ought to be attorneys. 
Children should not follow in the footsteps of 
their parents unless they are fitted to, as they 
seldom are. Rarely is a son markedly success- 
ful in the same work in which his father en- 
gages. The boy who expects to succeed 
because he is a son of his father will need 
others to help him hold on. No greater mistake 
can be made by a boy than to think he is 
smart because his father is. No truly great 



256 Lecture on Fitness 

man ever had a son who equalled him in 
his life-work, though thousands of boys have 
tried to be, and many of them were fools 
enough to think they were. 

Everyone is adapted to some particular work, 
and his greatest success will be reached in that 
work. A great lawyer could never have been 
a great preacher or a great preacher a great 
lawyer. Nature points the way to success and 
greatness comes by zealous application of 
powers in this right work at the right time. 
If a man has not the ability to be great, 
favorable circumstances are as the wind to 
him. A dude was never known to lead an 
army. The young man who parts his hair in 
the middle and curls his mustache will 
never be president. The world loves the level- 
headed man because he does not try to be 
womanish and the level-headed woman because 
she does not try to be manish. They are both 
fitted for something besides clothing dummies. 

He who would succeed must know himself 
better than he knows others. Success is half 
won if the proper life-work is chosen. Many 
choose their business at random. They would 
select a horse with the greatest care but will 
choose a business without proper consideration. 
The motto of everyone should be : Choose a 
business wisely and follow it zealously. 



Lecture on Husbands 257 



LECTURE ON HUSBANDS 

A husband is an animal without a tail, and, 
often, not much head. He is usually born a 
boy and never wishes he had been born some- 
thing else. He is as amusing as a monkey, 
as interesting as a bear and frequently thinks 
he is as weighty as an elephant. He lives, 
breathes, eats and drinks. While he usually 
eats three times a day, he has never been 
known to drink unless he had an opportunity. 
He will quit eating when the room is all taken, 
but will often drink until his ears are needed 
as overflows. In this he shows less sense 
than the hog which always quits drinking 
before the "slop" runs out of its ears. A hog 
will never drink so much that it can't find the 
way to its bed ; but some husbands drink until 
they don't know the way home, or the home 
when they see it. Husbands often drink until 
the sense they had left goes to their feet, and 
the weight of their feet is not noticeably in- 
creased. Some men will have their sense in 
their feet for a week at a time and expect their 
wives to look patient through it all. If their 
wives would follow their example ten minutes 
they would swear until they were out of wind 
and expect them to apologize every half hour 
for a month. Many men send their wives to 

17 



258 Lecture on Husbands 

the grave because their brains are in their 
shoes too often and too long. The man who 
walks on his brains, often waits for the bed 
to pass his way before retiring. If all husbands 
would always keep their brains in their heads 
there would be more happy homes. Some hus- 
bands are without their wits so often that their 
wives would rather see a sober man than go to 
a circus. 

God intended that husbands should be men, 
but many of them are devils of the very worst 
kind. They are good to all women except the 
ones they should be best to. They never 
smile or speak pleasantly at home, but when 
there are other women they wear a smile that 
looks like a full moon in June. They are cruel 
and despotic at home, and real angels at other 
times. They take pleasure in making their 
wives feel miserable, and enjoy their tears. 
Such brutes should be sent to prison until they 
become men. The man who lessens his wife's 
years by cruelty, will find a home where the 
fires are always burning. 

Many husbands are at home when they 
can't be anywhere else. They always find an 
excuse to be up town or some other place. 
They often have "business to see to" when 
that business is with Satan or one of his assis- 
tants. It is often unfaithfulness to their vows 
at the marriage altar that takes them from 
home. They profess to be true to their wives 



Lecture on Husbands 259 

when the Devil is holding a torch to light their 
way to his kingdom. The man who deceives a 
pure and patient wife to be in the company of 
women of bad character will commit murder, 
if necessary to cover up his hellishness. The 
man Avho prefers the company of prostitutes 
or legalized strumpets to that of his wife is 
never a good citizen. He cannot be trusted. 
The man who will basely deceive his wife, 
will deceive his best friends ; and the man who 
will deceive his best friends will steal if not 
well watched. Such men always get their re- 
ward. The man who hunts fire seldom fails 
to find it, and he is often surprised at the 
height of the flames. The more a man disgraces 
his home the hotter the fire will need to be to 
do him justice after death. 

Some husbands are very good to their wives 
at times. Like spring weather, they are pleas- 
ant one day and storm}'- the next. They make 
their wives tired with kindness or miserable 
with unkindness. They are always in the 
extreme. Sometimes they are good because 
they mean it, and sometimes because they don't 
mean it. Often they try to be so good that 
they can stay out all night without having 
fault found. They think the wife who is patted 
under the chin now and then should not object 
to her husband being away from home of 
nights. They are hypocrites by day that they 
may be devils at night. Satan's best assistants 



260 Lecture on Wives 

are men who deceive their wives. The man 
who is a hypocrite in his home always gets a 
choice job in Hell, but he is well watched. 
Even the Devil will not trust a man who will 
deceive his wife or a woman who will deceive 
her husband. He knows them too well to take 
chances on losing his reputation as a good 
judge of humanity. 



LECTURE ON WIVES 

A wife is a partner in a domestic combi- 
nation that begins at any time and ends with 
divorce or death. The wife is called the weaker 
half of the combination, but she is often the 
stronger part. Some wives are the whole com- 
bination and most of the annex. They often 
make the other part feel like a zero at the left 
of the one. When a wife decides she is the 
whole combination the other part has a strong 
desire to jump in a well or flee to the mountains 
and play Rip Van Winkle. A wife with a will 
to be boss of the household seldom fails to ex- 
ercise that will to the fullest extent. Some 
women would rather boss a man than be a 
leader in society. They get so much enjoy- 
ment from seeing the thing they call a husband 
stand in the corner and tremble that it makes 
them sad to think death is certain. The man 



Lecture on Wives 261 

who has a "bossy" wife always feels like he is 
going to be struck by lightning and often 
wishes he would; to him thunder sounds like 
the coo of a dove, and the thought of death 
brings a ray of hope. 

Most wives are women — some are school 
girls. While there are thousands of young 
women old enough and willing enough to be- 
come wives, girls are quitting school to become 
wives. Cupid drags children from the trundle 
bed when grown people are ready to do his 
bidding. If school girl wives were not so num- 
erous there would be less evidence that mar- 
riage is a failure. Men who would not hitch 
a colt to a loaded wagon will allow their young 
daughters to be hitched to a domestic load, and 
tug their lives out trying to pull it along life's 
uneven highway. If parents were always as 
careful of their daughters as they are of their 
horses and cattle, fewer of them would go 
early to the grave. It was never intended 
school girls should become wives while there 
are thousands of old maids anxious to make 
men happy. 

A wife can make her husband feel bigger 
than a king or less than a peasant. She has it 
in her power to make him an angel or a devil. 
Some men need little assistance from their 
wives to make them devils. They are so full 
of Satan and his ways that they boil over on 
the least provocation, and never stop boiling 



262 Lecture on Wives 

until they are exhausted or knocked down. 
Too often the latter don't happen. An angel 
wife may make a sickly saint out of such a 
husband but she will come out of the work 
gray haired and with little faith in the good- 
ness of men. Some women marry bad men 
believing they can make them better ; but the 
woman who marries a man to reform him 
always wishes she had let some other woman 
have the job. The Devil always expects to 
get the man who puts off reforming until he 
gets a wife, and he is seldom disappointed. 

While some women reform their husbands, 
others deform them. Some wives make devils 
of saints, and then, like Nero, laugh at the 
ruin they have wrought. They make each 
day a purgatory to them, and are deaf to their 
pleadings for one day of rest. Some wives 
taunt their husbands into the grave, and then 
scald the grass above their place of rest with 
tears of hypocrisy. The wife who drives her 
husband to the grave usually sheds most tears 
over his remains, and remains a widow but a 
short time. The depths of a woman's sorrow 
cannot always be measured by the tears she 
sheds at her husband's funeral; often the big- 
gest hypocrite cries the hardest. 

The most dangerous wives to the home are 
those who are happiest when men, not their 
husbands, smile on them. They are among 
Satan's most trusted assistants. They do for 



Lecture on Wives 263 

him what others cannot do — wreck their own 
homes, and often send their families sorrowing 
to the grave. They pride themselves on being 
smart enough to deceive their husbands. While 
their husbands are hard at work to provide for 
their families they are entertaining other men. 
If husbands return at unexpected hours, the 
"guest" disappears through a rear door or win- 
dow while the legalized harlot welcomes the 
tired husband with a polluted kiss and assures 
him she has been "so lonesome" waiting for 
him. For such a woman. Hell will never have 
a fire hot enough to do her justice. If women 
must become prostitutes, they should not black- 
en the sacredness of marriage. The woman 
who disgraces her home by intrigue with other 
men should sufifer the torments of the damned. 
Why a woman with a kind husband, bright chil- 
dren and a happy home will listen to the whis- 
perings of a devil in human form is one of the 
unexplained and unexplainable things. If wom- 
en would shoot the heads off a few of these ad- 
vance agents for Satan, it would be better for 
the world. Men who break up homes because 
they can, will never get what they deserve until 
Satan's imps dance about them while they burn. 



264 Lecture on Curtain Lectures 



LECTURE ON CURTAIN LECTURES 

"Curtain lectures" have an endless line of 
victims; and no class of victims are deserving 
of more pity. They are the saddest looking, 
the most woebegone mortals that are to be 
found. They always look like some of their 
friends were dead or dangerously sick. To 
them life's sweetest pleasure is that it ends in 
death. They always tremble when they hear 
a dog bark or a hen cackle. The man who is a 
victim of curtain lectures would willingly die 
if he could. If anything would cause him to 
long to "climb the Golden Stair," it is the 
knowing he must be the object of a private 
lecture three or four times a day and a few ex- 
tras thrown in on Sunday. He is like a hunted 
wolf — never at rest. He wears an always-ex- 
pecting-something look, and is seldom disap- 
pointed in what he expects. His life is a long, 
dreary, drudge with no hope on earth. 

Many women wonder why their husbands 
stray away from home to loiter about the sa- 
loon or worse places. It does not occur to 
them they have been driven from home by a 
series of curtain lectures that have been daily 
killing their love of home and home surround- 
ings. They have had lectures for breakfast, 
dinner and supper so long that they are foun- 



Lecture on Curtain Lectures 265 

dered on them and want rest, before it is too 
late. When a tired man seeks his home and, 
instead of being greeted by a smile and a kiss, 
is greeted by a scowl and a growl, he loses all 
ambition, all hope, all love of home and wishes 
he could drop out of sight forever. A scolding, 
growling wife can drive a man to ruin in less 
time than angels can rescue him from Satan. 
She is the weight that drags him down and 
down until he sinks beneath the billowy waves 
of domestic turbulence. 

Curtain lectures are confined to no class. 
They are given in the palace of the king and in 
the hovel of the peasant. Philosophers, states- 
men, poets, thinkers, have all stood in awe of 
the stream of curtain oratory that has so often 
fallen upon, around and about them. Great 
power, wealth or fame do not drive away the 
withering curse of tiresome, life-wearing lec- 
tures delivered in the home. They unfit a man 
for business or pleasure. 

When men cannot stay at home in peace, 
they will stay somewhere else. To be sure, 
some men would not stay at home long at a 
time if their companions were angels. They 
could not be driven from home by lectures ; for 
they are not at home long enough to hear them. 
They are so little account at home that they are 
never missed. They are attracted from home 
easier than they are attracted to it. Some of 
them will go home long enough to get the mon- 



266 Lecture on Curtain Lectures 

ey their wives have earned washing, and has- 
ten back to the saloon or gambHng house to 
spend it. Such men ought never be allowed to 
hear anything as pleasant as a curtain lecture. 
Such an honor should never be theirs. Wives 
who waste time lecturing to such wind-galls on 
humanity ought to be sent to a feeble-minded 
institute. 

Wives should keep in mind that a husband 
driven from home usually, like an outcast dog, 
will kill sheep. He gets lonesome without the 
visual noise and excitement and wanders away 
from the path he had traveled, being driven into 
the bushes along the way by a woman with 
plenty of tongue and little brains, he finds evil 
to do. Many women make their home a hell 
when they could make it a heaven. Continued 
curtain lectures will make a devil of a saint. It 
is easy to judge whether a man is "lectured to 
death" by the way he enters his home. If he 
opens the door something like a thief would, 
and sneaks in as if he did not want his pres- 
ence discovered, it is sure evidence he has heard 
more lectures than he ever paid to hear. 

The subjects on which curtain lectures are 
delivered are too many to enumerate ; many of 
them too little to think about. Some women 
never look pleased or speak pleasantly. If they 
can't find anything else to growl about they 
growl about nothing. They would growl and 
scold about nothing, when they could get paid 



Lecture on Curtain Lectures 267 

for being pleasant. If they are ever happy it 
is when they growl. Their supply of growl is 
never exhausted ; neither are they. They never 
get tired ; never run down ; never stop to think ; 
and many of them couldn't think if they stopped 
a week. It is the women that don't think that 
are eternally growling. To a man that is tied 
to a growling woman, hogs squealing sounds 
like a band of angels singing. 

Every growling woman should read the sad 
story of Rip Van Winkle. He heard curtain 
lectures until his poor troubled soul longed for 
peace and rest. Taking his gun and dog he 
wandered to the mountains where he fell asleep 
and slept twenty years. He was not the first 
or last man driven from home by a wife who 
had more jaw than brains. But he is the only 
one reported to have gone to sleep in the woods 
after being driven from home. Most of them 
stay wide awake and see how much they can 
fit themselves for Satan and his kingdom. Some 
of them end it all by suicide ; some of them go 
to war, and some of them go straight to the 
devil. When a man can't stay at home in peace 
he don't care where he goes. 

Socrates, the Athenian philosopher, lived 
with a woman who made him long to go to the 
better land. Xantippe made him wonder so 
often why he was born that he wished he hadn't 
been. A scolding wife is as much of a happiness 
destroyer in a palace as in a hovel. The home 



268 Lecture on Novel Reading 

where she lives can never be a true home. She 
drives out hope, happiness and love, and then 
the husband goes in search of them. 

A sweet home can never be, 

Where happiness does not dwell; 

Without love there is no hope; 
And a heaven becomes a hell. 



LECTURE ON NOVEL READING 

Reading novels is as foolish as it is danger- 
ous. The mind of the one who is a slave to 
novel reading contracts instead of expanding. 
Reading novels has sent thousands to the peni- 
tentiary, the gallows, the insane asylum or 
dwarfed their brains until they were incapable 
of thinking an uplifting thought. Opium eat- 
ing and novel reading are twin brothers. 

Novels are said to be "yellow-backed" or 
"high-class." One is no better than the other. 
The only difference is as to the class of people 
that read them. Those who enjoy reading the 
former would not enjoy the latter; neither 
would the readers of high-class novels enjoy 
reading the yellow-backed ones. A mind poi- 
soned with either is almost worthless for any 
other purpose. The great men are not novel 
readers. The women who have been most suc- 
cessful have not been novel readers. The boy 
or girl who stands at the head of the class is not 



Lecture on Novel Reading 269 

a novel reader. The teacher worth most In the 
school-room is not a novel reader. The child 
mind stunted by reading novels may outgrow 
the misfortune, but it will be years in doing it. 
A mind fed on novels is like a body fed on soup 
— becomes emaciated and wabbles when the 
wind blows. 

Novels are often read by children because 
there is no other reading in sight. They would 
read a good book if they had it. The novel, a 
last year's almanac or a patent medicine circu- 
lar are all they have to choose from. But few 
parents realize the value of good books for chil- 
dren, therefore allow the young minds to feast 
on trash. They are particular to feed the bodies 
of the children on pure wholesome food, but 
provide nothing but rotten food for the minds. 
Men who will pay fancy prices for a cow, a 
horse or other animals will grunt worse than 
a dissatisfied hog if children want a history of 
the United States or the biography of one 
whose life is closely connected with the devel- 
opment of his country. There are few bigger 
hogs than those who will not provide their chil- 
dren with books that educate and uplift. Often 
the money that should buy books goes for whis- 
key or is lost in gambling. Think of a human 
being staggering into a home where there are 
bright, intelligent children with nothing to read 
but novels and almanacs. Such a brute does 
not deserve a home. He ought to be banished. 



270 Lecture on Novel Rcoxllnz 

Parents who would have three spasms an 
hour if their boys looked upon the wine when 
it is red, not only allow but encourage them in 
reading "blood and thunder" novels. They 
even burn the midnight oil reading these mind- 
dwarfing lies, without once realizing they are 
making as poor a display of good, horse sense 
as the man who drinks himself into the gutter. 
They take more pride in reading of the exploits 
of *'Crackerjack Bill" than of the heroic deeds 
of George Washington. The "Life of Lincoln" 
is dull reading for them compared with the 
"Life of Gander Creek Jim." 

Homes without good books are like men 
without good deeds. Children who grow up in 
an atmosphere of story papers and yellow- 
backed novels, are not the ones that are most 
useful to their country. They seldom get to 
the front until they ride to the cemetery in a 
"glass carriage." A boy that grows to manhood 
deprived of the broadening and uplifting influ- 
ence of good books, is but little less unfor- 
tunate than the one who becomes a slave to 
the mind-destroying cigarette. Girls who read 
novels usually chew gum, because neither re- 
quires thought. Boys who read novels usually 
carry unlawful weapons and, if not lacking in 
courage, become dangerous. No worse curse 
rests upon the people than the infernal influ- 
ence of the accursed dime novel. It makes cut- 
throats and desperadoes of those who would 



Lecture on Novel Reading 271 

otherwise be useful and honorable citizens. 
People rave about the degrading influence of 
the saloon, yet are silent about the dime novel, 
one of the greatest feeders of the saloons and 
prisons. The dime novel breeds a desire for a 
"wild life," and such a life as naturally breeds 
a desire for strong drink. 

Parents who would save their boys intellec- 
tually and morally should surround them with 
good books ; teach them their value, and induce 
them to spend their evenings reading instead of 
roaming the streets, or in some place of ques- 
tionable reputation listening to the debasing 
stories told by those who are old enough to 
have more sense. The boy or girl who becomes 
attached to good books becomes attached to 
home, and will honor parents more than the 
one whose mind is poisoned and dwarfed by 
reading novels. 

Novels would not be published if there were 
not a demand for them. There would not be a 
demand for them if parents would early teach 
their children the value of good books. The 
ruin of thousands of boys and girls can be 
traced to the reading of novels. It is high time 
parents think less of fine horses, fine clothes, 
society and more about the proper development 
of the minds of their children. Thousands of 
children have minds starved for good reading 
while they wear costly clothes. One of the 
most disgusting scenes is a girl dressed in silk 



272 Lecture on Widozvs 

reading a ten cent novel, because the parents 
''can't afford to buy costly books." A thousand 
times better would it be to wear calico and read 
books that will not weaken the mind and en- 
danger the soul. A mind fed on trash cannot 
become strong and active, any more than a 
body fed on soup can develop strength and 
endurance. 



LECTURE ON WIDOWS 

A widow is a woman that has been married 
and wants to be again. There are only two 
kinds of widows. They are widows and ''grass 
widows." The former have been deprived of 
their husbands by death, divorce or perpetual 
"mysterious disappearance." Sometimes wom- 
en are made happy by being made widows. 
Many women see more happiness in a week as 
widows than they did in two years as wives, 
yet they are anxious to try their luck again, 
and will accept the proposition of the first man 
who has nerve enough to want an answer. 
There may be a few widows who do not want 
to marry, but they usually are too old to take 
in washing. Most women whose husbands 
have been removed by death, respect their 
memories enough to remain widows until the 



Lecture on Widows 273 

grass grows over their graves ; but some begin 
to smile at other men before the floral tributes 
are wilted. Some women will shed more tears 
for a dead poodle dog than for a deceased hus- 
band. Some men are better as dead husbands 
than live ones, but that gives their widows no 
right to make idiots of themselves. Because 
death makes a woman happy is no reason she 
should celebrate the event before the sound of 
the rattle of the clods on her husband's casket 
has died away. 

When a widow is made by divorce, she is an 
entirely different proposition. Her companion 
is dead to her, but there are no tears ; no funeral 
sermon ; no clod rattling, and she is at liberty 
to cleave unto another man as soon as the de- 
cree is signed, and this she often does. Women 
have been known to marry in fifteen minutes 
after they were free and then kick themselves 
until the law came to their rescue again. A 
widow made so by the statute is seldom satis- 
fied until she has another lottery ticket and 
uses it. Some widows are so anxious to marry 
that they take the first animal that comes along 
with pants on for fear they will have to live 
single a whole month. Often a woman who has 
shed tears at the grave of a good husband will 
wed the laziest and most worthless old 2x4 in 
the neighborhood. She accepts the first thing 
the Devil sends along and then blames God for 
imposing upon her. Widows who marry in a 

18 



274 Lecture on Widoivs 

hurry sometimes marry foF love, sometimes to 
spite their ex-husbands and sometimes to show 
the young women how slow they are in corral- 
ling a man. If a woman with a divorce can't 
get married it is useless for other women to 
try. 

"Grass widows" are women who have hus- 
bands they don't live with, yet often can't get 
rid of them in a legal way. They are not al- 
ways as green as the name given them implies. 
They are too ripe to take in washing to sup- 
port a worthless man and often too smart to al- 
low him to be free to deceive another woman. 
Grass widows often have husbands that the 
Devil wouldn't have in his employ. If he gave 
them work he would have to put too good imps 
to watching each one. When a man is so 
worthless that his wife has to leave him to con- 
vince her friends she has good sense, he ought 
to be branded in the forehead with a zero that 
other women may not become his victims. 
Some men have wives to keep house for them, 
and have other women to spend their time and 
money with. They are Mormons in practice 
and devils in fact. They are blights on homes 
and stinkers in society. They pride themselves 
on their ability as "mashers" more than they 
do their desire to honor their family and make 
home happy. They would rather win the false 
love of other women than keep sacred the love 
of their wives. A man who does not prize the 



Lecture on Widows 275 

true love of a good wife enough to respect her 
at all times, is not fit for good society. The 
hottest corners of Hell are crowded with men 
whose wives had to desert them to be regarded 
respectable. 

Husbands are not always the cause of wom- 
en becoming grass widows. Often the blame 
falls on the widows themselves. In some way 
the husbands are made to flee for rest of mind 
and peace of soul. The reason may be growl- 
ing, cause for jealousy, "pure cussedness" or 
something as bad. Women often have hus- 
bands for the same reason that some people are 
in the churches — for protection and respecta- 
bility and not a few men are in the same class. 

Many women lead lives as wives that would 
condemn them as spinsters. Some married 
women, like some married men, are often ad- 
mitted into good society on account of their 
families. The reputations of thousands of 
women are bolstered up by the characters of 
their husbands. Many wives who continually 
wear frowns at home, will smile at every man 
they meet on the street. They may have good 
husbands, but think they are too blind to know 
they are false to them. If Satan had all the 
women who belong to him, there would be 
thousands more widowers. 

Some women enjoy being grass widows, be- 
cause they have husbands and don't have hus- 
bands. They are theirs, but are not in the way. 



276 Lecture on Resolutions 

They can have company without the danger of 
objection. They have the convenience of a hus- 
band without the inconvenience. 



LECTURE ON RESOLUTIONS 

The New Year comes laden with resolutions 
and good cheer. When the Old Year is dying 
everybody that amounts to anything makes 
resolves. Some ''swear off" on getting drunk; 
some swear off on using tobacco; others re- 
solve to quit making love to other men's wives, 
and not a few resolve to make love to their own 
wives. If all resolutions made at the first of the 
year were lived up to the world would be better 
than it ever was. People often make resolu- 
tions to try to deceive their friends and their 
God. Others make resolutions in good faith, 
but are too weak in will to put them in force. 
Some are led from their good resolves by oth- 
ers. There are those who never make a good 
resolution but always help to break those made 
by others. They would rather assist to break 
down character than build it up. The Devil's 
agents are always active. They never miss an 
opportunity to assist in locating people in that 
country where the sleet don't break the limbs off 
the trees. They always find someone to listen 
to them. Some believe all the lies told them by 



Lecture on Resolutions 277 

Satan's representatives. They seem to want 
to go where they can go barefooted and wear 
seersucker coats in winter. Some people would 
rather live on ten acres in Hell than on forty 
acres in Heaven. 

Resolutions to do good are jewels in the lives 
of those who make them. Resolutions to do 
evil are the weights that drag men down to 
ruin. The man who makes a good resolution 
and lives up to it is a moral hero. The man who 
makes a bad resolution whether he lives up to 
it or not, is an enemy to good society. Good 
resolutions have made men famous. They se- 
lected a spot well up upon the hillside of fame, 
and resolved to reach it. Perhaps it took them 
years to do so, but they worked zealously and 
never tired until the resolution had become a 
reality. The man who would be somebody 
must resolve to do something and do it. Sit- 
ting down and waiting for good fortune to 
bring success is not a part of the life of one 
who would be a man. Action is the difference 
between somebody and nobody. Even the dude 
who is three degrees below nothing, resolves. 
He does not sit down and wait for glasses and 
cane to come to him : he goes after them. It is 
only the drunk man who can afford to sit down 
and wait for the bed to come to him. Wash- 
ington became famous because he resolved to 
do something. He resolved to free his 
country and it was free. Dewey resolved 



278 Lecture on Resolutions 

to sink the Spanish fleet, and sank it. 
True, resolutions are not always realized, but it 
is better to have resolved and failed than to 
have never resolved. No one can afford to be 
as a knot on a log — there to stay until moved. 

As the New Year comes on everyone should 
resolve to do something that will better him- 
self or others. Husbands and wives who have 
been trying to see how infernally mean they 
can be to each other, should resolve to quit be- 
ing fools or throw off the double harness. There 
are no bigger fools than a quarreling couple. 

The man who has been getting drunk should 
resolve to spend his money for good books in- 
stead of whiskey. It is better to have a well- 
filled head than to have the life-giving organs 
floating in corn juice. 

The woman who has been spending all her 
husband earns for dress, ought to resolve to 
help him lay by a few dollars for an emergency. 
The woman who cares more for dress than she 
does for her husband, ought to be a dummy in 
a dry goods store instead of one at home. 

The man who has been trying to cheat his 
friends should resolve to be honest a year and 
his food will digest better. Dishonest men are 
the Devil's hope. He has a warm spot in his 
heart and home for them. Satan's Imps always 
meet dishonest men at the depot with a brass 
band, and escort them along the main street 
playing, ''There is no place like home." 



Lecture on Resolutions 279 

Those who have stolen should resolve to 
steal no more. Next to a dishonest man, Satan 
loves a thief. He lets him sit on his left hand 
and spit on the floor w^ithout being reprimand- 
ed or fined. The man who steals is sure to get 
a good position in Hell. 

Children who have not been good to their 
parents should resolve to show due respect and 
filial love to those who gave them life. The 
boy who is good to his parents can be depend- 
ed upon. His heart is in the right place and his 
brain is well balanced. The children who are 
good to their parents will get first choice of 
wings in Heaven. 

Girls that have been on the streets and at 
dark corners at unseemly hours might become 
respectable and be an honor to their parents if 
they would resolve to stay at home of nights, 
read good books and help their mothers instead 
of traveling the road to ruin. The girl who 
loans her soul to the Devil will find it is black- 
ened when it is returned. 

Boys who have been giving their lives to 
idleness and sin should resolve to try to fit 
themselves to be men. The boy who has no 
aim higher than to read novels, squirt tobacco 
juice through his teeth and tell indecent stories, 
had better not been born. Only boys who try 
to be somebody get away from the scent of the 
sewer. An offensive odor taken on in youth can 
be removed only by disinfection of character. 



280 Lecture on Blindness 



LECTURE ON BLINDNESS 

There are two classes of blind people — those 
who can't see and those who can but don't see. 
Fortunately there are not many in the first 
class and unfortunately there are many in the 
second class. People who have lost their eye- 
sight often see better than some who have 
never suffered such a sad misfortune. A blind 
man can often "see a point" quicker than one 
who is not blind. An eye-sight that is not 
backed by a good brain is always dull and slow. 
It is better to be blind and have a good brain 
than not to be blind and have no brain. It is 
not always the one who sees the most that is 
worth most to the world. One Milton was 
worth more to humanity than a thousand 
writers of yellow-backed novels. A blind 
musician can do more to cheer the heart than 
a regiment of professional loafers. 

Some see too much and some see too little. 
While some see faults where there are none, 
others overlook them where they exist. Though 
many have beams in their own eyes they can 
always see the mote in their neighbor's eye. 
It is natural for people to see where others are 
wrong and believe themselves right. It is not 
to be wondered that some go blind — they never 
give their eyes a rest because they are always 



Lecture on Blindness 281 

looking for the faults of others. The man who 
is ever looking for what is wrong in the lives of 
his friends, dare not leave the window shades 
to his existence up. Those who see most of the 
faults of others have most faults at home. 
People who have business of their own, do not 
have time to attend to the business of others. 
Some cannot attend to their own business 
because they have no time left after looking 
after the business of their neighbors. They are 
blind to their own interest. One of the most 
dangerous characters in society is the one who 
sees the faults and overlooks the good in 
others. 

Some are blind in business : they never see 
what is best to do until the worst has happened. 
They could be but little slower of sight if they 
were blind or blindfolded. They do the wrong 
thing at the wrong time or the right thing at 
the wrong time. They try to make money 
easy and it goes hard with them. They bite at 
the games of others and get bit. Often a hun- 
dred "suckers" will be trying to swallow the 
same bait. They all lose it except one, and he 
wishes he had died when young. He got his 
eyes open too late. The real suckers are those 
who never suspicion a design until they have 
swallowed the bait. Lack of proper foresight 
has made financial and moral wrecks of 
thousands. By one blind act they lost all their 
wealth or their good name. 



282 Lecture on Blindness 

The blind often lead the blind. Those who 
pose as leaders, do not see the obstructions 
along life's pathway until it is too late. They 
do not only fall in the ditch themselves but lead 
others into it. A blind leader is a dangerous 
friend. Some select friends blindly. They would 
be careful in the selection of a horse, but any- 
body will do for a friend. Some young ladies are 
more blind in selecting gentlemen friends than 
they would be in selecting comic valentines. 
They seem to be so anxious for a "feller" that 
they would not object to a *'scare-crow" if it 
had trousers on. Yet every girl thinks she is 
an expert in selecting gentlemen friends. She 
thinks she knows so much about this that it 
makes her sick when she finds out she knew 
nothing worth knowing. When a girl wants 
a man friend so bad that any old dude will do, 
it is time to have the wheels in her head 
looked after. 

Love is said to be blind, but true love is 
never sightless. It is the fool who thinks 
he loves a pretty face, golden hair or a 
graceful form that makes it seem love is 
blind. No one can love a winsome face 
or a "lovely head of hair." Admiration or 
sympathy is not love. The woman who 
thinks she loves a dude mistakes love 
for sympathy. It is very common for 
young ladies to see nothing but the clothes 
that young men wear. They are blind as to 



Lecture on Blindness 283 

whether they are industrious, honest and 
noble-hearted. If he wears fine clothes and is 
full of talk, no matter how silly the talk is, 
he finds favor in their eyes. Many noble young 
men have been rejected suitors because they 
did not wear fine clothes or were bashful. A 
bashful young man is a load unto himself. 
Clothes do not make the man but many women 
think they do. If a woman is so blind she can- 
not see the kind of a heart that is under a 
fine coat, she is an object of pity. Men are as 
blind as women in matters that are supposed to 
touch the heart. A silk dress is often seen 
when a kind disposition is overlooked. Many 
a poor fool has taken a "clothes dummy" for 
a wife when he could have had a woman. The 
more "blind" people there are the greater the 
need of pity and sympathy. There are thou- 
sands who don't see a hole in their pathway 
until they fall into it; yet they do not profit. 
They dig the dirt out of their eyes and tumble 
into the next hole. 



284 Lecture on Poverty 



LECTURE ON POVERTY 

Poverty is the beginning of success, as surely 
as necessity is the mother of invention. It is 
the foundation upon which has been builded 
many of the greatest fortunes and the grandest 
characters the world has known. Without it 
hundreds of men of wealth would have died 
in the poor house ; without it thousands of men 
who have ascended high on the ladder of fame 
would have died unknown. Most of the really 
great men were born in poverty, schooled in 
adversity and graduated from the University 
of Determination. 

Poverty may be inherited or acquired. The 
poorest men often become the most wealthy 
because they are spurred on by poverty and 
the most wealthy often become the poorest 
because they are burdened with luxury. Thou- 
sands who were born in palaces die in the poor 
house, and thousands born in huts die in pal- 
aces. The exchange shows what poverty can 
do and what wealth does do. Riches without 
effort is often the greatest misfortune that 
comes to mankind. It encourages idleness and 
extravagance which leads to moral and finan- 
cial ruin. Inherited wealth kills the necessity 
for effort, murders ambition and leaves its 
possessor, like a rudderless ship, to be blown 



Lecture on Poverty 285 

here and there by the winds that drive along 
only the aimless and unconcerned. A fortune 
at birth is often a misfortune till death. The 
child that begins life with millions too often 
ends life undeveloped physically and mentally. 
That which hinders effort lessens development, 
causing the mind and body to drivel. 

Poverty may be the result of misfortune, 
mismanagement, laziness, useless expenditures, 
or a desire to trot in the 400 class when the 
means are only sufficient for the common class. 
Pity for the unfortunate is due from all classes ; 
sympathy for those who mismanage is never 
lacking; but those who are poor because of 
laziness, useless expenditures or for other 
foolish acts do not deserve pity or sympathy. 
The man who prefers poverty to industry, is 
always hanging around the foot of the ladder 
of life. He never climbs because climbing 
means exertion ; he moves slowly and does not 
sweat enough to be healthy. Many men have 
the ability to become wealthy if they would 
develop it and put it to work. Their ability is 
like an uncultivated rich soil — is as nature left 
it. 

Useless expenditures brings poverty to the 
homes of millions. The wolf hangs about their 
doors because it is well fed on what is foolishly 
thrown away. Such homes are found in every 
community. Their occupants are always buy- 
ing things they do not need. No matter what 



286 Lecture on Poverty 

the income, the outgo exceeds it, and there is 
scarcity of what is needed. Many homes that 
are heavily mortgaged contain a piano; costly 
paintings are on the walls, brussels carpet on 
the floor, and everything is the best except the 
income. The occupants of such homes get all 
things before the home is paid for, if it ever is. 

Misjudging their class often sends thousands 
to the poorhouse. They overestimate their 
ability to shine and are lost sight of in the 
whirl, called society. Many wives wear silk 
on a calico salary, and the husbands often wear 
broadcloth on a "worsted" income. She wears 
diamonds and socks with holes in them; he 
smokes ten-cent cigars, carries a gold-headed 
cane, and goes to bed hungry. They would 
rather put on style than be well fed. Many 
people sit in the front row at social affairs and 
go to bed hungry. They attend all functions, 
give entertainments and soar like birds until 
their flight is checked by creditors. The less 
some have the higher they soar. The value of 
a bird cannot be estimated by its flight. Fine 
clothes and social standing are not evidence of 
a good bank account. Satan often wears a 
pious look. 



Lecture on Extravagance 287 



LECTURE ON EXTRAVAGANCE 

Extravagance is a full brother of waste, and 
both often lead to ruin. The down-hill road is 
strewn with wrecks that began with extrava- 
gance, which is one of mankind's greatest 
faults. It means lack of good judgment in 
expending. Its tempting glitter leads those 
foolish enough to follow until they stumble 
and fall over the rocks along the way. The 
extravagant never realize the danger of their 
course until it is too late to avoid the trouble 
that is sure to meet them. 

Extravagance may be in many guises. It is 
seen at almost every turn along life's highway, 
and always has many friends from the lowest 
to the highest. It is not confined to the rich or 
the poor, the wise or the unwise. The poor 
are often the most extravagant; the wise are 
often the most unwise in what they expend. 
Those who have little often expend much and 
most of it unwisely. The man who can least 
afford it often wears the biggest diamond, and 
the woman who most needs necessities will 
spend most for luxuries. The man who works 
hardest will spend his earnings easiest. He 
often buys what he does not need and needs 
what he does not buy. He will buy whiskey 
when his family needs bread. He will buy 



288 Lecture on Extravao-ance 



tobacco when the sugar bowl is empty. Chil- 
dren are often hungry while the father makes 
a whiskey jug of his stomach; they often wear 
ragged clothes while he makes a tobacco box 
of his mouth. Many spend enough unwisely 
to keep their families comfortable. Many 
women take in washing to get bread for their 
children while the thing they call a husband 
loafs. The Devil has a place prepared for men 
who allow their wives to wash their lives out 
while they do the loafing. 

Many women will wear silk when their 
children have to remain away from Sunday 
school on account of having poor clothes. Chil- 
dren often remain at home that their mothers 
may become style "dummies." Women who 
prefer show to sense are a load to their families. 
A wife who insists on wearing silk and dia- 
monds when the home is mortgaged or there 
is no home to mortgage, is a fool with no 
chance for apology. Extravagance in dress in a 
vain effort to shine with neighbors to whom 
money is not an object has sent many to ruin 
and not a few to Satan's dominion. Folly in 
dress often leads to the bankrupt's home or a 
term at the poor house. 

Women are not alone in such exhibition of 
folly. Men, who owe the butcher, the baker 
and the tailor, are often seen with a new suit 
every time the moon fulls. They wear broad- 
cloth and go hungry. The man who wears a 



Lechire on Extravagance 289 

tailor-made suit and socks with holes in them 
will rob his stomach to buy diamonds. 

Extravagance has ruined almost as many 
homes as strong drink, yet it is seldom discour- 
aged or condemned. It is taught in many 
homes where lessons in saving are greatly in 
need. If all children were taught to buy what 
they need instead of what they want, there 
would be fewer men and women who are in- 
capable of the financial management of a home. 
Parents should early teach their children that 
what is not needed is too dear at any price. 
A child that is made to know the worth of a 
dime will not have to be told the value of a 
dollar. The financial lessons that are learned 
in youth are put into practice in manhood. The 
parents who lead a child along the way of 
extravagance can know where to look for it 
when grown. The most useful citizens are 
those who know how to get one hundred cents 
in value for one dollar. Fewer have learned 
to spend money wisely than have learned to 
pray. 



19 



290 Lecture on Idleness 



LECTURE ON IDLENESS 

Idleness is inaction ; inaction means rust and 
rust means death. Machinery not in use soon 
rusts and becomes unfit for use. Idle people 
become sluggish and incapable of putting their 
powers in action to the fullest capacity. The 
more idleness the more rust, and soon the phy- 
sical and mental machinery is fit only for the 
"scrap pile." With some, idleness is the half 
brother and with many the full brother of lazi- 
ness. The former do things that are half as bad 
as idleness and the latter do nothing. Others do 
things that are worse than idleness or laziness. 
The statement that it is better to do wrong 
than do nothing is a lie, and the one who first 
said it was perhaps a thief or some other kind of 
an enemy to the public welfare. The wrong doer 
is the Devil's first assistant and the one who is 
lazy or continually idle is in danger of becom- 
ing a wrong doer. "There is always some mis- 
chief for idle hands to do," therefore it is im- 
portant that there be no idlers; but there will 
always be enough of them for Satan to get 
recruits from their ranks as fast as he needs 
them. 

Sometimes people honestly want work and 
are sorry they can't find it, while others dis- 
honestly seek work and are glad they can't 



Lecture on Idleness 291 

find it. A lazy man with an industrious wife 
who sews or takes in washing will go hunting 
and walk himself tired trying not to find it. 
The same wives may have daughters who 
would rather be idle than possess the healthy 
look that work would bring to their cheeks. 
Many young ladies who wear a corpse look 
could exchange it for a glow of health by help- 
ing their mothers with the work that is wearing 
their lives away. The girl who can fool her 
time away while her mother plays a tune on 
the washboard, is as near nothing to the world 
as a hole without the circle. If anyone is 
unfortunate enough to become her husband 
he will always wish he had committed suicide 
before he met her or had never been born. 
A girl who would rather be idle than have her 
mother live longer is too much of a nonentity 
to be listed by the census taker. 

The world has thousands of boys who are 
daily piling up trouble for future use by loung- 
ing about when they could be leading useful 
lives. They drift down the stream of life 
without any thought of where they will land. 
They have no aim except it be to avoid becom- 
ing friendly with work. Continued idleness 
soon leads them to think they were born to 
feast on angel food, the fruits that come from 
the labor of others and listen to the birds sing. 
To themselves they are angels in embryo; to 
others they are devils in disguise. If a boy who 



292 Lecture on Idleness 

prefers idleness to industry does not become 
a devil, someone must strike him on the head 
with a club hard enough to turn his course. 
When a boy gets well started toward perdition 
a club is about the only thing that will open 
his eyes wide enough to make him see the dan- 
ger places ahead of him. 

The sad thought is that parents often en- 
courage their children in idleness. The mother 
will wash, sew, iron, or bake while her daughter 
sits around and tries to look pretty, entertains 
dudes seven nights and part of the days in a 
week or promenades the streets when she ought 
to be at home making herself useful. Many 
mothers who had mothers with sense enough 
to teach their daughters how to work and wis- 
dom enough to make them put in practice what 
they had learned, will allow their daughters to 
grow into womanhood with little more knowl- 
edge of household work than a child. These 
same mothers after raising daughters in idle- 
ness, will expect to marry them off to men of 
industry, as they usually do. This is why 
so many men get wives given to them that 
they would have given large sums to induce 
others to take them as gifts. A woman reared 
in idleness is almost as helpless as a doll in 
charge of a home. 

Boys are also often reared in idleness because 
their parents believe it is not necessary for 
them to work or that they are smart enough to 



Lecture on Flattery 293 

get along without work. They are allowed to 
loiter their days away when the world hun- 
gers for men of action. The indolent boy too 
often is a lazy, worthless man. The man who 
amounts to something was not a zero as a boy. 
Hundreds of boys have gone to ruin because 
they have not been taught the value of in- 
dustry. They have learned to live without 
labor and believed the world owed them a 
living without work, even if they had to steal 
or do worse to secure it. 



LECTURE ON FLATTERY 

Flattery is "soft soap" made of double- 
strength lie. People willing to be praised are 
the ashes over and through which flattery 
trickles. Few are not susceptible to flattery 
and many enjoy it as much as ducks do a warm 
rain. Like ducks, the harder the shower the 
more they enjoy it. People will listen to 
flattery an hour and feel rested when fifteen 
minutes talk about business would make them 
feel weary. There are few who would not 
rather be flattered than well fed. Some can 
drink in praise until they feel as important as 
a ward politician who has been given a position 
for his "valuable services to his party." 

Flattery is used in all the corners of life, 



294 Lecture on Flattery 

but in no corner more nor with more fatal 
results than in courtship. It is Cupid's highest 
card and it is played with commendable suc- 
cess. Often when other things fail Cupid wins 
with a good dose of flattery. The nearest way 
to a woman's heart is through flattery; and 
it makes a man feel like he had been appointed 
postmaster. Flattery will score in courtship 
when truth and honesty will not get to first 
base. It is natural for God's fools to enjoy 
being praised whether it is merited or not and 
when Cupid is hanging around they believe it 
all merited. Courtship without flattery is like 
bread without yeast — too weak to rise. People 
who are truthful at all other times will lie like 
a horse trader when they get mixed up in a 
courtship. If fewer were not prize liars before 
marriage there would be fewer homes with 
brimstone in them after marriage. If Cupid's 
victims could know each other before marriage 
as they come to know each other after mar- 
riage, there would be thousands of wives living 
with other men. Those about to marry should 
not sing, "Shall we know each other there?" 
but ask "Do we know each other here?" This 
cannot be if they are not honest to each other 
and with themselves. 

Cupid does not confine flattery to words. He 
uses smiles, paint and acts. He smiles flattery, 
uses paint to flatter and flatters for pastime 
when he has time to spare. He causes women 



Lecture on Flattery 295 

to smear paint on their faces that they may 
appear more beautiful than they are; they 
flatter with deceit, foolishly believing that the 
more powder they use on their faces the sooner 
they will "go off" in the matrimonial market. 
A woman who paints her face deserves pity. 
Sometimes the powder wins, and when the vic- 
tim sees his life partner as nature made her 
he is reminded of a frozen leaf after the frost 
is melted off. The woman who paints or 
powders to win a husband tells a silent lie that 
will be in her new home when she arrives. 
If a woman can^t get a husband with the face 
nature gave her, unpowdered and unpainted, 
she does not deserve one. If her natural face 
is not good enough to court with, it is not 
good enough to live with. It is better to lie 
with words than with paint or powder; a word 
lie will not rub off. 

People often flatter themselves by acting 
better than they are. They will be as good as a 
saint one day and as bad as a devil the next day. 
They will be good when they have a chance to 
profit by it. Some will sing "Praise God from 
whom all blessings flow" while they have their 
hand in another^s pocket; others will give a 
dollar to the Lord that they may beat one of 
His followers out of five times that amount. 
The depth of a man's honesty cannot be 
measured by the noise he makes singing in 
church. Satan often has a string to the man 



296 Lecture on Extremes 

who sings loudest, "Take Me as I Am, Dear 
Lord." If the Lord would attempt to take 
him the string would be pulled and a chorus 
would be heard singing in Satan's Kingdom: 
The King of Darkness has a string to those 
he owns, and pulls it when he needs them. 



LECTURE ON EXTREMES 

Humanity is a bundle of extremes. Few 
people are fully satisfied with being at a safe 
medium. They want something different from 
what they have, and find fault if they do not 
secure it. They even find fault with their 
Maker, and in this often go to an extreme that 
does not indicate a well balanced brain. The 
weather is too hot or too cold; the winter too 
long or too short; the seasons too wet or too 
dry; the wind blows too hard or too easy; 
the sun shines too much or too little. These 
and many others are the extremes in criticising 
the work of nature and yet God does not com- 
plain. He keeps still and considers the source. 
If He wishes He had never made this faulty 
old world, it is never known. Man builds 
and makes and then wishes he had not, but 
God pronounced his work "very good" and let 
it go at that. If it does not suit man, it is his 
privilege to stand aside and let the procession 



Lecture on Extremes 297 

pass. He sometimes thinks he could make a 
better world, but has never gone to the ex- 
treme folly of trying to make one to his own 
fancy. Human power cannot regulate the heat 
and the cold. Neither is it given to man to 
cause the windows of Heaven to be opened or 
to remain closed, causing the grain in the fields 
to grow or to wither and die. 

The folly of man is shown when he criticises 
what he thinks are extremes in nature, yet over- 
looks the extremes in himself. He assumes to 
know what God should do or should not do, and 
fails to be wise in the things he has power to 
do. 

One of the most common and most dangerous 
of extremes is in too much talk about others. 
People seem to feast on talking about each 
other in an uncomplimentary way. They talk, 
and talk, and talk, then smile upon the ruin 
they have wrought. Often the poisonous words 
from the tongue of slander sink deep into the 
soul, causing a life to wither and fade away. 
Often one that bids fair to a life of usefulness 
has been made to lose hope, abandon ambition, 
bid farewell to home and friends — all that is 
most dear — to seek a home among strangers 
or find rest within the walls of the silent tomb, 
because the tongue of slander followed him 
with a fiendishness that was full of a murder- 
ous intent that laughed when its hellish pur- 
pose was accomplished. Such are the human 



298 Lecture on Extremes 

vultures that prey upon the good character of 
others. 

Pride in a reasonable way is commendable. 
It lifts manhood from lower to higher ideals, 
and makes civilization a success. Pride in 
measured amount braces manhood, regulates 
wisdom and strengthens ambition. Without 
pride humanity is a failure. But there must be 
a wise limit. The danger lies in vanity — in too 
high an estimation of self. It is a folly that 
overtakes thousands. It is wisdom to never 
take on vanity. 

The extreme of pride is slovenness. It is but 
little less dangerous than vanity. While the 
former raises i>eople too high in their own esti- 
mation, the latter drags them too low. The 
lack of neatness is as tiresome as the primpish- 
ness of vanity. It is the part of wisdom to be 
without either. 

One of the most common extremes is in 
dress. Millions of dollars are uselessly spent 
for dress each year. The highest aim of thou- 
sands is dress ; fine clothes is the first considera- 
tion, no matter what the consequence. The one 
aim is to outshine others. Fashion is their 
god and it often proves to be their devil. Wives 
often wreck their husband's business in the en- 
deavor to be "leaders in society.'* They are 
willing to go hungry if they can wear fine 
dresses and hats of the latest pattern. There 
must be an expensive and senseless wardrobe, 



Lecture on Extremes 299 

whether the sacrifice be wealth, honor or virtue. 
The ''height of fashion" must be maintained 
no matter what the cost. Satan must be 
feasted, even if God goes hungry. Keeping up 
with style in dress, daily drives men to the pen- 
itentiary or the grave. Driven to desperation by 
failure they become thieves or commit suicide. 
The Fashion road is strewn with innumerable 
business wrecks over which hangs the specter 
of a dress and a woman's hat. Many men have 
gone to ruin because their wives would rather 
parade as fashion dummies a few years than 
have plenty all their lives. If all wives exer- 
cised good sense in dressing there would be 
fewer men wearing convict clothes. 

Woman is not alone in her extreme folly for 
dress. Man holds equal sway with her in 
devotion to the god of Fashion. All the fools 
for dress are not among the women. The 
dandies and the fops have been described as "a 
body without soul, powder without ball, light- 
ning without thunderbolt." They will spend all 
their money for clothes and feast at free lunch 
counters. They are slaves from choice, and 
their desire for dress often makes them thieves 
from necessity. Many men would rather steal 
than not wear fine clothes. A household with 
two fashion fools must have a fat purse to sus- 
tain it. 

In the discussion of religion and politics 
people go to extremes. Though followers of 



300 Lecture on Extremes 

Christ are supposed to be meek and lowly they 
usually exhibit little patience or sense in dis- 
cussing religious matters. They are sure their 
church is right and all others wrong. They 
know its plan of salvation is the only one that 
will stand the test. If possible, people are more 
stubborn in religion than in politics. Some are 
so unreasonable in belief that they will not 
listen to preaching or political speeches that 
conflict with their ideas of salvation or govern- 
ment. It is such lack of good judgment that 
hinders the cause of Christ and endangers the 
safety of the country. The unreasonableness 
of Christians makes Satan smile. Lack of con- 
servativeness in politics puts rogues in office 
and keeps them there. If people would not 
go to extremes in belief it would be better 
for God and country. 



Lecture on Hurry 301 



LECTURE ON HURRY 

This is a world of hurry. There is hurry 
at every turn and every corner. It is hurry, 
hurry, hurry, hurry here and hurry there; 
hurry in and hurry out; hurry up and hurry 
down; hurry away and hurry back; hurry till 
the human frame is on the rack. 

People never know where or when to stop 
hurrying. They hurry into the world, then 
hurry through it, and hurry out of it, and so 
ends the journey. They come without being 
sent for ; don't stay long, hurry away and none 
know where they go. They may hurry along 
flowery paths and they may hurry over heated 
surfaces. They may walk where the streets 
are golden or they may sit where the fires 
never go out. 

Hurrying began away back there. God made 
the world in six days, and never admitted he 
could not have improved it by putting in a few 
days more before he called it done. He made 
man, and rather than waste any more dust 
making a woman he performed the first surgical 
operation — he got in a hurry to give man a 
mate, and hurried them into the Garden of 
Eden; they got in a hurry to investigate the 
mysteries therein, and they were hurried out of 
the gates, and their off-spring have since been 
hurrying toward eternity where there will be a 



302 Lecture on Hurry 

grand reunion some day and they will all won- 
der why they hurried so fast along the way. 

Hurrying begins with childhood and ends 
when the flutter of the wings of the death angel 
is heard. The child is taught to hurry by its 
parents, its teacher, its preacher and everybody 
else. Children are hurried to school before they 
are hardly big enough to toddle so that they 
will be out of the way at home and in the way 
at school. When they are at school the 
teacher hurries them through the book to make 
it seem they are learning. He hurries them 
from the primer into the spelling book, from the 
speller into the first reader and so on until the 
child graduates, knows little and thinks it is 
wise. The parents are puffed up with pride 
and the teacher gets a raise of two dollars a 
month or a recommend. Such hurrying makes 
fools of children and idiots of them when they 
are older. The child mind was not intended 
to solve problems in algebra or analyze beyond 
its years. The more the mind is loaded in 
youth the weaker it will be in manhood. 

Boys are hurried into creased pants ; girls 
into stylish dresses and both are hurried into 
society. They hurry to fall in what they think 
is love ; hurry to get married, and hurry to get 
divorced. When there is trouble there is hurry 
to be freed, and soon as freed there is hurry to 
be married again. It is seldom divorced people 
are not in a hurry to marry just to spite the 



Lecture on Hurry 303 

other party to the dissolved partnership. If a 
divorced woman does not marry it is usually 
because she has not had a chance, and if a 
divorced man remains single it is usually be- 
cause he tries to marry one younger or better 
than he deserves. A widower hunting for a 
wife is like a boy trying to get a dime's worth 
of candy for five cents — he wants more than he 
is entitled to. A widower trying to catch a 
widow is amusing and interesting — to others. 
Both are in a hurry to marry, yet try to make 
others think that it is the most distant thought. 

People often hurry because they are not wise 
enough to go slow ; others hurry because they 
think it an evidence of much business, and some 
hurry because they live in Chicago where 
they seldom have time to walk a block. To 
some, waiting five minutes for a three-minute 
ride on a street car is an evidence of business 
sense. People are always in too much of a 
hurry to ride on a slow train. They will wait 
an hour for a minute-a-mile train when one 
half as fast would take them to their destination 
before the fast train was due. 

So runs the world; hurry all through life, 
and when the end is reached the corpse is 
hurried to the cemetery, hurried into the 
grave, the friends hurry home, and so ends 
"Life's fitful fever." 

The race of life is ended — 

Allotted years have passed away; 

The weary soul is at rest 
Beyond its tenement of clay. 



SEP 3C IS03 



